Avoid, rinse, repeat and confusion

Out of curiosity, has anyone ever avoided without really realizing that they were avoiding something unpleasant? (I’m talking about sexual abuse now and not the issues with my mother and physical abuse.) It’s more like, it’s occurred to me that I was possibly avoiding unpleasant thoughts but then I reasoned that perhaps I’ve been convinced that as an abuse victim I’m supposed to think about the abuse all of the time and therefore I fought it back and believed that I wasn’t avoiding anything, instead I was taking control and not allowing myself to dwell on dark, disturbing thoughts.

I don’t know if that sentence made any sense but I need it to be understood so I’ll try again.

Being in therapy made me think that I’m supposed think about memories and my uncle and what happened all of the time so I can “deal” with it. Then I thought that therapy had made me like that and that in real life I didn’t have to think about anything that I didn’t want to. That led me to thinking that I’ve gotten over the whole situation with my uncle. Then comes this morning and I’m thinking about it again and it hurts. Now I’m wondering if I’m just looking for reasons to be upset so I’ve dredged this stuff up again. I thought I was over it, I really did. So how do I know what I’m really feeling and thinking? Part of me even says that there’s nothing to be upset about because nothing happened. The rest of me says that isn’t true and I have to deal with the darkness that’s in my mind. But I don’t want to because it’s dark and sad and unsafe. Then I go back to thinking that I’m just trying to get upset for…for what? For attention? Attention from who I ask? It’s not like I’m going to share this with anyone apart from my therapist and I don’t need to make up stuff to tell my therapist; she gets paid to listen to whatever I say.

I’m confused, really confused. Have I been avoiding or am I trying to stir up drama for myself? I don’t understand what I’m feeling. Help?


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Avoid, rinse, repeat and confusion

  1. Pandora says:

    I completely relate, hun. When I was with my last therapist, before I admitted to most of the sexual abuse issues, we talked about other stuff, even if it was unsuccessfully. In my more recent therapy, the sex abuse became the focus (though to be fair, the bloke did allow other discussion occasionally), and whilst I appreciate that I need to deal with issues arising from it, I also think it’s only one (admittedly big) thing that has screwed me up over the years.

    So the feelings resultant from it are really frustrating, because it’s hard to tell whether they’re about the abuse in and of itself, or whether they’re about therapy for the abuse (or at least concentrating on them in that context).

    And I still often have the whole “but nothing happened!” thing a lot. I’m coming to the conclusion that I’m never going to really know whether much of what I ‘remember’ really happened – at the moment, all I have to solidly go on is evidence (which suggests that it’s true, but that doesn’t make me ‘feel’ it).

    Both of these – the uncertainty, and the confusion re: therapy – really suck. I know where you are, I think, and it’s horrible. I wish I could do or say something to somehow make it better, but since I can’t please at least know that I empathise – and am thinking of you, and hoping you’ll feel less crap soon (I wanted to write ‘much better soon’, but I figured it sounded over-optimistic or platitudinous!).

    Take care, tai

    Pan xxx

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I really appreciate what you said Pan. At the moment it feels like I’m stuck in a therapy vortex where it’s either going to be about my mom and my feelings of rejection or I have to go back to talking about the sexual abuse stuff. Part of me just doesn’t want to talk about any of it anymore. The problem is that I don’t think my therapist would agree…

  2. I understand every fucking word you’ve said. (sorry to swear- it’s not at you, it’s about what’s going on). I had a perfectly lovely life, had made premium organic lemonade from the lemons, all that kind of crap, and it was only when a separate set of stuff brought be down with depression that I ended up with PTSD (after a ConPsych said “oh, mindfulness would be a good lark”). My therapy now is for a much wider set of issues than regular PTSD, and -mercifully- isn’t going too much into the SA stuff. (yet?) .. Sorry, not sure I can say anything really to help. But it sounds like you just need peace, and it’s possible the whitecoats are right in seeing early abuse/neglect as causing wide-ranging damage, and coming to terms with that in some way could be the route into that peace. Here’s hoping… 😛

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Believe me, I understand the cussing. 🙂 And I understand what you mean about life the way it was “before” too. All of that stuff does cause a wide range of damage, it’s just tiring to deal with. I agree: here’s hoping…

  3. empty says:

    I get ya. My anxiety gets high going to therapy, never knowing if it’s going to be, “one of those days.” Not knowing how much of the abuse I will be talking about. I have those days when a shit load of memories pop up. And there’s no controlling them. That’s where our lovely therapist comes into play. We talk about them, hoping they won’t be so powerful the next time. Sounds so simple. NOT! Now I’m the one not making sense.

    Avoiding the unpleasantries is what therapy is all about! I’m good at it. Therapy is what we make it. Some day’s are better than others and most suck.


  4. Pingback: ‘Grounded’ in air… « theurbanworrier

  5. castorgirl says:

    There’s no rules in healing… well if there are, no one has told me them. I’m a big believer in gaining balance in life, so if you were thinking about the past all the time, that would mean you’re not balancing that with what you need to make it through today. If you were doing a fake happy, cheery, frolicking through the daisies thing, then I’d be wondering if you were aware of the past, and had plans for the future.

    Healing isn’t easy, and it isn’t fun. At times I forget things that I’ve already talked about, and will be blindsided by them again… other times I’m sure I’m making it all up. It’s like we’re learning to ride a bike, and we’re all wobbly and sometimes the training wheels fall off. Then we’re like “wow, I can do this”. Then we’re like “I don’t need to ride a bike anyway”.

    So what you describe makes perfect sense, and sounds incredibly normal. Which I know probably doesn’t help much…

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Actually CG, that helped a lot! Really. The bike illustration was very good and it makes me feel better that what I said made sense. Thank you.

      I have therapy on tuesday so i know I’ll be bringing this up with her.

  6. Absolutely I have avoided those thoughts. I am only now, after almost 20 years, learning to really deal with it. I spent a great deal of my 20’s putting myself into very bad situations and even involving myself in BDSM and multiple/bisexual relationships to try to “fuck the pain away”. Sorry for the language. But I tried everything that I could to take back that control that was taken from me and to make it known that even though I had been raped and assaulted, it did not define who I am. Truth is, it does define who I am. I am a survivor of sexual assualt and rape. I am a person who has been through these things and has survived them and has come out the otherside swinging, taking a stand, fighting back with my words, fighting for real change in this world and working to help others like me.

    I learned to stop trying to fool myself and learned to look at it and own it and not be afraid of it anymore. I did not crumble to pieces when I stopped moving and stopped trying to ignore and avoid it. I became stronger. You will too.

    I do not think that we are ever really “over it”. I think that we learn to live our lives and we learn to use what happened to us to make us stronger and help us to grow and help others.

    Maybe I am “full of it”….but this is what works for me now. Helping others make me know that it was not all for nothing…that there was a reason that I went through what I did and that reason was to help others who have gone through it to.

    Love and light dear one. I hope you find peace within yourself. Here for you if you need me.

    Lucky Star

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I don’t think you’re full of it 🙂

      I think those are the goals we all wish to reach; just being able to live life and help others if we can along the way. And you’re right, there’s no way that these things don’t define us in some ways, it just depends on how we let them define us.
      I appreciate everything you said. It’s very brave to speak about things done to try and get rid of the pain.

      Take care and thank you for the kind thoughts.

  7. Bay says:

    We relate a lot. Think we’ve worked on something, dealt with it, everything ok for some time, and then it’s back and hurting again. Think we deal with stuff in layers, peel off one layer, leave it for a while and then go back to it to peel off the next layer. So in a way it’s avoidance, in a way it’s just taking things as they come.
    Don’t think you’re stirring up drama for yourself, don’t think you’re attention seeking. But sorry you’re going through a rough patch and hurting.
    Gentle thoughts,

  8. attached says:

    Thank you for writing this Tai. I could have said most of it especially the fear that I’m agonizing over it for attention. I also tell myself it wasn’t so bad. I did bad things myself and it shouldn’t matter anymore because it is all in the past.

    just catching up on your blog and this hit me hard.


    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hello di,

      It’s good to see you. I’m sorry this was painful. That happens to me from time to time with other blogs as well so I know the feeling.
      My therapist said I’m the opposite of an attention seeker so I’ll try to believe that. She said that drama queens don’t ask themselves questions like that so maybe that will make you feel better too? I’ll probably post about my session today, maybe that will be helpful.

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