Out of curiosity, has anyone ever avoided without really realizing that they were avoiding something unpleasant? (I’m talking about sexual abuse now and not the issues with my mother and physical abuse.) It’s more like, it’s occurred to me that I was possibly avoiding unpleasant thoughts but then I reasoned that perhaps I’ve been convinced that as an abuse victim I’m supposed to think about the abuse all of the time and therefore I fought it back and believed that I wasn’t avoiding anything, instead I was taking control and not allowing myself to dwell on dark, disturbing thoughts.
I don’t know if that sentence made any sense but I need it to be understood so I’ll try again.
Being in therapy made me think that I’m supposed think about memories and my uncle and what happened all of the time so I can “deal” with it. Then I thought that therapy had made me like that and that in real life I didn’t have to think about anything that I didn’t want to. That led me to thinking that I’ve gotten over the whole situation with my uncle. Then comes this morning and I’m thinking about it again and it hurts. Now I’m wondering if I’m just looking for reasons to be upset so I’ve dredged this stuff up again. I thought I was over it, I really did. So how do I know what I’m really feeling and thinking? Part of me even says that there’s nothing to be upset about because nothing happened. The rest of me says that isn’t true and I have to deal with the darkness that’s in my mind. But I don’t want to because it’s dark and sad and unsafe. Then I go back to thinking that I’m just trying to get upset for…for what? For attention? Attention from who I ask? It’s not like I’m going to share this with anyone apart from my therapist and I don’t need to make up stuff to tell my therapist; she gets paid to listen to whatever I say.
I’m confused, really confused. Have I been avoiding or am I trying to stir up drama for myself? I don’t understand what I’m feeling. Help?