Here comes my friend Pain


The last couple of replies I wrote to comments probably sound stupid but I’m kind of in a weird head space right now.

I had therapy today and I brought up the subject of my uncle and asked if I was being a drama queen or looking for attention. My therapist actually laughed at the thought. She said that I’m the opposite of a drama queen or attention seeker. She asked me to notice how I was making everything unimportant. She said that drama queens don’t ask themselves if they’re being drama queens.

I think I may have trouble writing at the moment. I thought I could write about my session but I’m too upset. I want to cry and the thought of death is kind of nice. I can’t cry because my husband might hear me or come looking for me, so that sucks. Everything hurts and I don’t know what to do about it. I want to scream but I can’t and I wish I was dead every couple of minutes. I want out of my skin but that can’t happen either. I want to run away but I can’t do that. If I could just be alone and cry and sob that might be helpful but I can’t.

I don’t like today.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depression, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Here comes my friend Pain

  1. hearing you. knowing it. wishing good things for you.

    (and drama queen=not=refusing to cry in case husband hears…)

  2. castorgirl says:

    I wish you had been able to cry. I wish you had been able to cry, and your husband found you crying. I wish that when he found you, he had held you, and comforted you. You need and deserve that comfort. I’m sorry you couldn’t cry.

    Is today any better?

    Sending positive thoughts, and warm safe hugs if they are wanted,
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      You know what’s funny CG? I’ve never been able to tolerate being held by someone. At least not when I’m crying or something like that. It makes my skin crawl. That’s part of the reason why my husband hovering makes things worse. I can’t open up if he’s around. Of course I also was unable to cry when I was alone so that didn’t help either did it? 🙂

      It’s so much easier to accept virtual hugs instead. Even regular hugging in a non-sad context can only be endured for so long. And depending on what mood I’m in I may not be able to tolerate touch at all.

      I’ll always take the warm hugs here though, so thanks.

      • castorgirl says:

        I wish you were able to be held, as it sounds like you need comfort and holding. I can understand not wanting to be touched or held, I just wish things were different for you. I know wishes don’t count for much, but they’re still there, sort of like a hope.

        Sending warm safe hugs your way…
        CG

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Hey wishes can keep a person going CG so I appreciate it. 🙂

        That whole concept of being held sounds so weird to me that I can’t even imagine it. It’s one of those things where I thought I was normal until therapy and seeing other people told me otherwise.

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