Feeling bitter and angry


I’ve noticed the last few days that if I hear other people talking, I feel very bitter. It’s certain people; people who are saying nice, cheery things. It’s driving me crazy and I just want to tell them to go to hell and die! I get angry and I keep thinking that the only people who feel that way, are people who’ve never had anything really bad happen to them. I know it’s petty. I do. I feel like I’m in a pity party but I’m not interested in me, I just want everyone to shut up. How bad of a person am I to feel this way?

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depression, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, suicidal ideation, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Feeling bitter and angry

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    You aren’t a bad person at all, Tai. In fact, I absolutely know in my heart that you are a wonderful, caring human being that I am glad to know exists somewhere in my world. You MIGHT be depressed just a tad, or just more than a tad. I know how hard it is to even recognize that part of the world could possibly be having happy moments when I have felt this way. And I understand that feeling – can’t find it, you must have said it in another post- of not wanting to get out of the hole, the pit, the deep dark place. It is the nature of the beast. It is hard to be around cheerfulness when feeling like this. That is OK.

    I hope you will feel more alive soon. I haven’t said this before I don’t think: Safe hugs to you.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Yeah, I think it’s more than a tad depressed. 🙂 It’s silly to put a smilie face after that sentence isn’t it? And you’re right, not wanting to get out of the hole is part of the problem.

      I know that part of the “cheery” issue for me is that everyone sounds fake, like Pollyanna’s or something, but annoying fakers who want to rub it in my face. It sounds silly and I probably shouldn’t be writing when I’ve taken my sleeping medicine haha.

      I’m not wonderful or caring but you are, and thank you for being so supportive and kind Freasha.

  2. Lilly says:

    i’ve been catching myself staring at people who are “joyous” wondering what happened with my own sense of joy. i wonder if it is an act or maybe there was a joke i just missed.

  3. meredith says:

    Oh, tai;

    Today isn’t a time to judge yourself. You’re facing things that are not joyful, and that you must grieve. Yes, some of the world is busy with their joy, but some are also choosing joy on your behalf because they know you cannot do it for yourself. Did you know that?

    As you work with hurt and bitterness, your joy is not easily accessible. It’s that way for me when pain makes itself at home with me. It’s still there, though.

    You are safe and right to have the feelings you experience, presently; they’ve always been there, and they, too, need to be acknowledged.

    The joy will return. You’re a whippersnapper, of that I’m sure.

    Love,

    Meredith

  4. castorgirl says:

    Is this related to the changes they’re making with your meds? That was my first thought when I read this, because in all honesty tb, you are a caring, wonderful person. As Meredith said, sometimes this is the place we’re in because of the healing process; but sometimes it’s medication related, so just wanted to raise that possibility.

    Go gently on yourself… don’t judge yourself so harshly, and allow yourself space to breathe.

    Sending (((warm safe hugs))) your way, if they are wanted,
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      It’s something I should probably consider I guess. It could also be a manifestation of depression. I don’t feel like a very good person right now. I have a friend whose sister just died and I’m going to call her tomorrow to see how she is. I hope that I can be what she needs.

      • castorgirl says:

        Then this is one of those times that you need to listen to other peoples press about yourself… read the comments here, they’re all saying what a good person you are. We’ve all seen some rotters in our lives; and you are so far from being a rotter, that it isn’t even funny. You are a good and caring person…

        I hope one day that someone will be what you need.

        Go gently,
        CG
        PS, I’m really hoping that what I just wrote isn’t too much of a kiwism that you don’t know what I’m meaning.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        🙂 It wasn’t too much of a kiwism. I watch the BBC all the time and even though I know New Zealand isn’t England, I still understand the words.

        A totally serious question: Does it ever make you uncomfortable when people like us tell you how great you are? If yes, then why is that? Most people like being told nice things about themselves.
        I’m feeling that way, like I don’t deserve it or something. That’s a terrible thing to say when people are trying to be nice isn’t it?

        Oh, I talked to my therapist about her use of the word “irrational” and I’ll post what happened here in a minute.

      • castorgirl says:

        Hi,

        It both terrifies me, and pleases me when people praise me. Parts of me strive to achieve some sort of positive recognition, and other parts hate it. It’s an odd paradox. I’m sure it’s to do with my self-worth and the messages about being seen… praise means that people see you, and that is uncomfortable. A lack of praise means that you aren’t valued, which feeds all of the negative messages from the past.

        It’s ok to feel uncomfortable with that praise, but each time you hear it, it might reach a part of the system which means that the positivity slowly works it’s magic on those old dysfunctional messages. Learning new ways is uncomfortable, and learning to accept praise for what it is, and not about them expecting something from you in return, is a big lesson. I’m used to “paying” for the compliments/gifts… so it’s a nice, dysfunctional mix.

        I do think we need to hear those positive messages, as they do help part of the system, and help us build up our self-worth. I know that they can be very confusing and uncomfortable, but it’s a lesson in working with tension and conflict.

        Does that make sense? It’s how I experience it, and it might not work for others…

        Take care,
        CG

      • CimmerianInk says:

        You said that really well CG.

        It’s so weird to both want praise and compliments and to hate them at the same time isn’t it? I understand thinking that something’s expected from you when people say nice things. I always believe that people are just being nice or polite when they say something nice. My therapist and I just discussed this yesterday and I might blog about it.

  5. Mrs. anonymous says:

    I feel something meaner than that….you are not mean, just the thought…I angrily wonder why highly susceptible family members did not inherit their families’ mental illness, while I did. They all have jobs, kids, a normal life. I strive to have normalcy, remnant s of it in middle age. Yes, I have become bitter and ashamed of my shitty life. Hope you feel better soon. You’re normal to have those feelings.

  6. Mrs. anonymous says:

    I am in a very bad place. No kidding! ❕

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