One of several posts to come. First up: I lost my music again

So I had my session today and I was on my way out of the grocery store afterwards when I saw that I had missed a call on my cell. I check my voicemail and it’s the place where I take music lessons telling me that my teacher is gone. Just like that. Gone.

In the message they said that they usually want notice from their instructors but that in her instance they felt it was better not to have her on staff anymore. They’re offering to move me to someone I don’t know and I can’t do that. Trying to learn the viola was a huge step for me. If you read my posts in the past about it, you know that losing that because my mother moved me to different schools every year was something that stayed with me all these years. Opening myself up again as an adult like that was very scary. I felt so vulnerable and I was incredibly nervous and thinking that I would fail. The woman who taught me, understood the bipolar thing. She understand that sometimes my brain didn’t cooperate the way that I wanted. She even took into account my muscle problems and was patient when things hurt. She was always positive and praised any little achievement I made. I had just gotten to the point where I could play “Ode To Joy.” We were playing harmonies together and everything. I was cautiously proud of myself for possibly not sucking at this. She was amazing and she’s gone. Part of me wonders why she didn’t call but I don’t know what happened between her and the studio. Obviously from the message, something went down. But I feel betrayed, like why didn’t she at least call me to let me know that she was leaving. After I got over the initial shock I was surprised that I felt like crying. I felt grief and loss. This sucks.

I’ll write about my session later and I also have writing “homework” to do for the next session. I don’t feel like writing anymore at the moment.

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
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7 Responses to One of several posts to come. First up: I lost my music again

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    That does suck, Tai. Playing the viola is such an important part of your life. I am so sorry.

    Listen, I have a couple ideas. If it WAS a falling out, maybe your teacher is still around and will contact you personally about continuing lessons. Or can you find her name in the phone book? There could have been extenuating circumstances and she’s laying low and wants to contact you ASAP.

    My other thought is that you MUST keep playing music. It is vital – or maybe I am projecting my own feelings about music onto you- for your well-being, isn’t it? Maybe life is testing you AGAIN. Screw up your courage (or however Shakespeare put it) and go after what you you deserve. If this teacher was good with you, there will be another one, but you have to look for them and you might find a few too highly strung, or otherwise not harmonious with what you need before you find the right one. (Couldn’t resist the music metaphors.) You have already done it once. What do you think? (I am sure you will let me know.) Is that just way too hard for you at this time in your life? I can understand that, too.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hey Freasha, Good metaphors. You’re not projecting. I think music was always important and actually getting the chance to play has made it important in a deeper way. At this point, after hearing the news today, I’m terrified of opening up that part of me that’s so connected to the viola specifically, to a new teacher. It’s weird because it’s like letting someone see a very vulnerable part of me that no one else sees. Does that sound stupid? Of course if I don’t try to continue the failure will be my fault this time, not my mother’s. That’s a hard thought to handle. I’m going to call the studio tomorrow and see if I can get any information.

      • Freasha1964 says:

        Hey Tai,
        Nothing you say sounds stupid, so no, that doesn’t sound stupid, either. I can feel how scary it is for you to open up a part of you that is particularly vulnerable. Did you see that video that has been sent around a couple of these blogs on vulnerability? Here, I found it on Dawn’s blog via Faith’s blog via??? Anyway, I hope this is the link.

        You warm my heart to say you will call the studio. What a kind thing to do for yourself.

  2. Sorry to hear this. My comments were pretty much exactly Freasha1964’s
    -try and find the teacher separately
    -respect that it sounds like serious stuff that the studio couldn’t tolerate for the wellbeing of students and the stoppage was for the best (it sounded like it, but perhaps it was just about the relationship with the studio breaking down in which case it could still be OK for you?)

    my instinct was to go for the second one, but the level of understanding you had was precious. There are *lots* of good teachers (as well as some bad ones), tho, so it could be a test for your courage and self-love to find someone who gives you what you need. whatever happens, you need to do something to keep playing!

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hey urbanwarrior,

      I ended up finding my teacher on Facebook and I sent her a message. We’ll see if she gets back to me or not. The studio tried to set me up with a male instructor that I’ve met before and that was not happening for me. Not because he’s a guy but I just don’t feel ok with him. He doesn’t have the credentials or experience that she does and I don’t feel comfortable around him.

      Thanks for the encouargement. I’ll try to figure things out.

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi ya,

    My first thought regarding contacting your old teacher, is to find out why they parted company with the school. It could be because of a personality clash, but to be that sudden, it raises a few alarm bells (why yes, this is me being protective). I don’t want to see you hurt, yet I know how difficult it can be to find that connection with someone over something that feels vulnerable and important, so it’s worthwhile following up with the teacher to see what happened.

    Do they have any other instructors that you can meet?

    Please don’t give up on an important dream because of this set back.

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hey CG,

      I understand your alarm bells and thank you for being protective (hug). The whole situation is odd, so I’m sure something not so great went down with my teacher. At this point I’m still waiting to see if she gets back to me on FB. The only other instructor is the guy that helps run the place and there is absloutely no way that I would be comfortable with him as a teacher. It is a setback but I haven’t given up yet. A good thing is that I was going to have to do something about my lessons when winter comes anyway because I’m not a good ice and snow driver. We’ll see what I can figure out.

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