Post number two from this week: Unpleasant sexual feelings *This is part of my therapy homework so be aware of the subject matter ok?*

Originally I was going to start this post off by talking about an internal debate I had about performing a specific sexual act. Yep, I’m jumping right to it aren’t I? Well, since then something happened last night that just added to everything. I’m not sure how delicately I’ll put this, so if it makes you uncomfortable just skip this post. I had trouble talking to my therapist about the first thing that happened so she suggested that I write it out and then bring it to read at our next session.

Part one of the problem started with me trying to be more expressive with my sexuality. I really hate it when the media etc. tries to pigeonhole people with labels. According to magazine articles or self-help authors, women are supposed to be all about emotions and cuddling and taking things slow and romance. I’m not like that. Sure, I don’t get to the end as quickly as a guy can but I’m highly sexual. There’s part of the complexity. I often wonder why I’m so sexual. Is it the way I am naturally or did something happen to me to make me like this? Ok, moving on. So, I had this bright idea that I would try really hard not to engage in compulsive sexual behavior. I felt that it was unfair to my husband even though I don’t do it for the “end result” (Ha! Was that delicate enough?). I do it purely for the fantasy that goes along with it and of course the fantasy is all bad and twisted. The more twisted and degrading the fantasy, the better it is for me. And the fantasies always star myself as the victim. But of course I’m the victim who’s getting what she deserves and secretly likes it.

Well, I wanted to do what my therapist had talked about, which was making new brain pathways instead of reinforcing old ones. With this in mind, I told my husband that I wanted to have an intimate weekend. You know what I mean. Of course, he was all for it and things were ok at first. I thought that I was opening myself up to being less self-conscious and it was a good thing. Then things got…not so good.

I had all these adventurous ideas for us to try and we’ve always been very honest with each other about what we like or don’t like or what we’d like to try or not try. We actually have the same boundaries which is great because he would never ask me to try something that I didn’t want. Well, I had something that I wanted to try. Here’s where it got too difficult to talk to my therapist and I honestly have no idea how to type out what I need to say here either. Ugh! How do I say this? Ok maybe I’ll just say that it was something oral and leave it at that. Ack! It was awful just saying that! The thing that makes this complicated is that it was something very specific in this area and that’s when the trouble started.

I had this idea and there was a…resistance to doing it. It wasn’t anything huge but the particular way that I wanted to do it was the problem. I couldn’t tell what was happening. I thought that I was just being stupid and I discounted the possibility that the resistance was actually coming from a particular part. I don’t know why I thought that. But the more I thought about performing this particular act in this specific manner, the more resistance there was and the stronger it got. I found myself having an internal debate that went something like this:

I’m going to do it. No, don’t do it. Yes, I’m doing it. It’s not good, don’t do that. What is your problem!? I’ll do whatever I want! No! It’s bad and it will feel bad. You won’t like it and it make things bad for you. If it’s so bad then I want to know why, so I’ll do it just to find out what happens. No! Don’t do it, it’ll ruin everything. The more you tell me not to do it, the more I’m determined to do it to find out why it’s bad. No! Yes! It’s a way to gather information, otherwise you’re just lying and nothing happened. Don’t do it!

It went like that inside my head. I was being obstinate and I don’t know why. I don’t know if the internal debate was even real or if I was just being weird. Anyway, after a while things changed again. The more I thought about this act, the more freaked out I got. I felt kind of sick and just weird. The thought became scary and I started to believe that I couldn’t go through with it. It got to the point where I started pulling away (emotionally) from my husband and I didn’t want anymore physical contact.

Needless to say, our intimate weekend was done. My husband didn’t mind. He didn’t know why I had changed, he just teased me saying that I had run out of energy. I let him think that, and comforted myself with the thought that at least I had done some sexual stuff before I lost the urge.

The thought that came with the freaky feelings was about my uncle. No matter how hard I tried to tell my therapist what the specific act was, I just couldn’t say the actual words to describe it. It was too embarrassing and it made me feel like I was a pervert for even wanting to do it.

Fast-forward to yesterday. My therapist told me that I should talk to my husband about what happened so he could understand what was going on with me. I did. I told him what I had wanted to try and I told him that I got freaked out by it and that I couldn’t do it. I told him that was why the “weekend” ended when it did. Now, considering what happened later that night, I have to believe that I didn’t make what happened clear. I didn’t actually tell my husband that it had to do with sexual abuse or my uncle. I assumed that my awkward statements had gotten the point across. Later that night my husband wanted to be intimate. I wasn’t really interested but I had just told my therapist earlier that day that I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve said no to him. Now let me make it clear that this is about me, not him. He’s very un-stereotypical guy-like. He’s fine if I don’t want to. It’s me that  feels like I’m not being a good wife if I don’t have sex. Sometimes I initiate it on purpose just to make sure that he’s getting…whatevered. My mother liked to say that I had to have sex with my husband because he’d cheat otherwise. Yes, I know. Good thing for her to say right? Anyway, I decided to go along with it because I wasn’t opposed to the idea of sex. I wasn’t enjoying it at all and I just wanted to roll over and make him go away. He hadn’t done anything wrong. My husband is an incredibly attentive person in these matters so he’s all about me and making me happy. Something was just…wrong. Really wrong.

 At some point while we were “together”, my husband asked me what the act was that I had wanted to do. I told him and he did this kind of sexy chuckle and said that I could try it anytime I wanted to. That was not a good thing to say. A million feelings and thoughts went through my head, a main one being that he was incredibly cruel to say that to me. It wasn’t until later that I realized I hadn’t made myself clear about the act being tied to my uncle in some way that I don’t understand. I didn’t say anything and to get through the rest of it I had to think about incest to “enjoy” it. It was terrible.

Afterwards, he was asleep and I was just laying there covering myself up with my arms. I felt dirty and my skin was crawling. To be very clear, the act was not done, it was just regular stuff. But I felt beyond awful. I wanted the feeling of my husband’s hands erased from my body in the worst way. I can’t even describe it. But he didn’t do anything wrong!

I ended up engaging in compulsive behavior with the specific aim of getting rid of the feeling of his hands on me. I made sure that it was very degrading and it worked.

Now I’m left with so many questions and bad feelings. I don’t understand where any of this came from or why I reacted the way that I did in several of these situations. It’s amazing that I wrote all of this and still couldn’t bring myself to describe the act itself! How am I supposed to read this to my therapist if I couldn’t get it out?

Why am I so horrible?


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Intimacy, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Post number two from this week: Unpleasant sexual feelings *This is part of my therapy homework so be aware of the subject matter ok?*

  1. Pandora says:

    First of all, this was a really brave post, tb. Your were brave to discuss this with such candour, especially given how triggered things have made you feel.

    Secondly, you are not horrible. You were sexually traumatised as a kid, and unfortunately you have to deal with the ramifications of that as an adult – so it’s hardly surprisingly that sex can act as a trigger (even if you have desired or instigated it). From reading your previous writing here – and particularly given that you have DID – I’d say it’s very likely that there’s a lot of the abuse you don’t consciously recall, so it’s entirely understandable that the oral act, although fun in theory, didn’t work out so well in practice. It is not your fault! It’s your sorry uncle’s fault, the scumbag.

    Third, re: sex more generally…this is possibly going into the realms of TMI, so feel free to delete it all. Up until the last few years – I’d say when I started taking Mirtazapine, which is about five years ago (although I no longer take it, but Citalopram and later Seroquel/Venlafaxine have continued the tradition) I too was highly sexual (and unemotional about it, like you) – it’s the medication that changed things. Coupled with this drive, I also had ‘out there’ tastes…I was never hardcore enough to be part of any BDSM community or anything (this was only ever A and me), but it was in the mild version of that general arena. My fantasies (and occasional realities) were about my being degraded, rather than being the one doing the degrading. (An aside – A would really have preferred it the other way, but he never really got it ;)).

    I know BDSM is a practice engaged in by people who have never had a second of sexual abuse in their life, but nevertheless I do speculate as to how my childhood impacted upon my ‘preferences’. My (admittedly highly anecdotal) observations have suggested that quite a few survivors have what society may regard as unorthodox sexuality, and it’s hard to think it isn’t linked sometimes.

    So, in short (I actually wish I would just sometimes write the ‘in short’ version!), what I’m saying is that you’re not alone. it’s so hard to talk about this kind of shit, but I’m glad you did and I just wanted to afford you a sense of empathy, I suppose.

    Anyhow, again – you’re not horrible, and none of this is your fault. It sucks to have to deal with the aftermath of all this, but you didn’t do a single thing to be blamed for.

    Take care, and be kind to yourself.

    *gentle hugs*

    Pan xxx

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Ha! Pan, half the time I don’t know if it’s bravery or stupidity!

      I have a hard time accepting that there may be things that I don’t remember. Not because I don’t believe that happens but because it freaks me out not to be sure.

      I felt it was brave of you to be willing to talk about your own sexual experiences with A. And your statement about A’s prefences made me choke on a giggle because of the wink you inserted. 🙂 It is hard to dismiss the thought that abuse could change a person’s sexual desires or tastes or whatever. I don’t like that; not knowing. I have to believe that it’s not my natural state to fantasize about being used sexually and I think there’s a difference between the stuff I fantasize about and the cutesy, romantic fantasies that other women may indulge in. I know you get what I mean. I really appreciate you opening up like that here. It was really hard to hit that publish button with this one but I’m glad I did it. I’ll probably have more to write about later.

      Thanks so much Pan *Big Hug To You*

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    This was a long post, and many thoughts came by me, and with luck I can still catch a few of them.

    Maybe to help your brain re-patterning that needs some work – your query “Why am I so horrible?” seemed a non sequitur. This post was not at all horrible as aren’t you, neither, and you do know that. (However my grammar… that is another question.)

    For my own non-sexually abused upbringing, I still find it very difficult and uncomfortable to talk about sex. My father drilled it into my sister and me – not sure my brother got this refrain – “don’t shack up, you will feel bad afterward.” So, of course I felt bad afterward – and long ago. It is still very hard for me to talk about sex in any detail, and I am not going to start now! 🙂 So, I understand that. I do enjoy it, but even revealing that much is a stretch for me.

    And I have a dear friend, who was not sexually abused, though she is an adult child of alcoholics, and spent a lot of her childhood hiding under the bed with her brother, and so has had her demons to fight. She talks about sex all the time. Used to, I guess. Menopause slowed her down.

    These are examples of other real world and it seemed you were asking for some perspective or comparisons.

    Does you husband know – maybe I have asked this already, I forgot the answer if I did- you were sexually abused, or that you have DID as a result? He sure sounds like an understanding and caring person. I really like how respectful you are when you describe him or his behavior or demeanor.

    As for that back and forth in your head when you were wanting to try this new “adventure”, I have no idea. Sorry. Hopefully it will make sense to you soon. All I can testify to is that there is a humongous amount of stuff going on deep down in our psyches and it is fascinating, if not vexing, perplexing, and pain causing.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      H Freasha,

      Yes I know, this post was the length of a frickin’ novel wasn’t it?

      Parents have a lot of influence on how their kids view sex even when no abuse is involved. There have been plenty of stories showing that if you’re taught that sex is dirty and sinful etc. you may have trouble with it later in life. So what you said in your situation makes total sense.

      To answer your question, yes my husband knows about both the abuse and the DID. It was necessary to tell him some things but an important point came up in therapy that I may write about concerning how much to tell someone.

      Thank you so much for caring.

  3. callmeams says:

    I have so much I want to express I’m having trouble focusing all of it. So, first, let me congratulate you on writing such a personal post and having the courage to publish it. That being said, I know what you’re feeling. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I have had my forays into the world of flashbacks and horrid feelings during particular sex acts. I haven’t been able to say the words or describe them. I have worked really hard to take away the power that the words have over me. I would sit and look in a mirror and repeat the words over and over again until they were as common as apple or television. I took away their power and gained some of my own. That was step one for me. It took me many years of faking it and trying to focus on other things during oral sex before I could actually begin to focus on enjoying it. And now, when I’m in the right mood, I enjoy it a lot. But it’s always on my terms. When I tell my husband “no” he stops. From the sounds of it, your husband would respect your terms as well.

    All of that aside, I want to say to you that while you may feel degraded during sexual situations, no consentual interaction between two people who care for each other is degrading. Feeling pleasure or giving pleasure to someone you love, regardless of how it is achieved (and if you want to know more about my own experiences, please feel free to email me) should make you feel like less of a person. I’m sure that your husband does not think less of you after these interactions. And I know it might be hard, but the part of you that is the grown up, married woman needs to be in control and remain in control when you are sexually engaged. I’m not a DID expert, but perhaps this is something you could talk with your therapist about.

    Anyway, Im so proud of you for continuing to work hard to heal. I thought of you earlier today after leaving “meet the teacher” night. And I wanted to tell you to remember that when life throughs roadblocks and obsticals in our way, the turn we have to take may be sharp and the changes difficult but often it leads us to something better. Keep hope!

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi Amy,
      Nice to see you. 🙂

      I’m glad that you found a way to get your power back. That takes a lot of work and it’s really good that you got there! My therapist would agree with your point about consensual stuff not being degrading. I guess the issue is being sure that I really want to do what I’m doing and I’m not just going along with it and causing possible damage to myself.

      To reassure you, I have no doubts that my husband thinks less of me in any sexual situation no matter what we do. He thinks it’s sexy, so he’s all for whatever. I’m glad that you’re husband is also understanding with that and stops if you say so. That’s great and I’m glad you have him. I hope you and your family are doing well.

      Thank you for thinking about me, that was very sweet. 🙂

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    I just want to sit beside you on the step and watch the world go by for a bit. Would that be ok? We can listen to the birds, and watch the flowers dance in the breeze.

    I’ve had those internal debates. I’ve said “yes”, when I should have said “no”. I’ve done sexual acts and been in tears before it was over. I’ve done acts which I know mirror my abuse, and asked for it to be rougher/harder/more degrading, then walked away smiling.

    You were hurt by people that should have protected you. That is going to have an impact, no matter how much you don’t want it to. There are going to be parts of you who will remember things beyond their capability to understand, all they know is the hurt. It can be difficult for those parts to communicate why there is the hurt, but sometimes it can come in the form of urges, or images that are easily misunderstood. Please go gently on those parts… they, like you, are doing their best.

    You were really brave to write this down. Even if you hand the writing to your therapist, and go from there. Once the ice has been broken, I’m sure you’ll find it easier to talk about it. Did I tell you I was once terrified to talk to Allison about something? I put it off, stewing about it for weeks, then blurted it out… she calmly said another part of the system had told her that months ago 🙂 Often the shame associated with the acts we describe, is so much stronger than the act itself.

    Go gently, and sending (((warm safe hugs))) if they are wanted,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      You made me smile right away with that first sentence CG. 🙂

      Thank you for being so strong and saying what you did about your own circumstances. That couldn’t have been easy and I appreciate it so much.
      You raise an interesting point when you said: “There are going to be parts of you who will remember things beyond their capability to understand, all they know is the hurt. It can be difficult for those parts to communicate why there is the hurt, but sometimes it can come in the form of urges, or images that are easily misunderstood”

      That’s a scary thought especially when I’m still going back and forth in denial. I’m glad you said it though. The not knowing is horrible and then when things like this happen, it freaks me out because I have to consider the possibilities that are implied by my feelings. That part about Allison already knowing something because a part told her was really interesting! Wow. I think that after writing this out I may be able to just look at the floor and tell my therapist exactly what I’m talking about. She made me nervous because she said that she thinks whatever it is that’s going on with this is “important”. I immediately freaked inside. I don’t like the idea of things being “important”. Important means bad things and pain. But, on the other hand I feel a huge need to talk all of this through so that’s what I’ll do.

      Seriously, thank you again for being so open. It helps to read that other people know what I’m talking about.

      • castorgirl says:

        I know what you mean about the association with words. Can you reframe the context, or words, and say that it’s a painful area for you to talk about, so it would help you to understand why this is a trigger for you. That leaves out the word you don’t like, but still allows you to address the feelings. It’s easy to get distracted with the words, and forget about the real issue… you deserve the healing attention needed to work through this.

        I’m of course, now panicking that I said too much here. I’m sorry if I did.

        Please that care,

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Don’t panic! You didn’t say anything wrong nor did you say too much for me. If you’re uncomfortable with what you said as far as your safety goes, you can tell me and I can delete it. If you’re worrying about me there’s no need. I found everything that you said helpful as always. 🙂

  5. castorgirl says:

    You’re not horrible. You’re not bad. You’re not terrible.

    You’re hurt, and trying to heal that hurt. That takes courage. Thankfully, you have courage 🙂

    Take care,

  6. argh. you’re so brave (and thankyou so much for posting).
    I found it difficult to read, so may have got the wrong end of the stick, but something struck me about your husband’s response. You’re painting him as awesome. he probably is. But it seemed to me that -having heard your stuff- he later came back with demands.
    this likely says more about me than you (and I could have got it wrong, as I’ve said), but it reminded me of various of my partners’ *need* for sex whenever we’ve moved into new houses. ie- not even before there’s furniture or anything, just going there for the first time after contracts have been signed. Stamping ownership on the place. Using *me*. A corner in an empty room on dirty carpet.
    My thinking is that the need isn’t so much about a natural expression of desire, but of needing to reclaim you for himself. Sorry, i could be wrong. and if i’m right you almost certainly don’t want to hear it. sorry to piss you off.
    your post was about yourself, not about him. you’ve been incredibly brave to get there. *hugs*

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hey urbanwarrior,

      Don’t worry about anything you said. You didn’t upset me or anything. Actually it came up last night and he was wondering why I was acting so weird and I told him that I didn’t like what he said the other night but I also said that I realized I didn’t make myself clear about why I had trouble with the thought of that particular act. And it’s true, if I go over what I said, I didn’t come right out and say, ‘This act is connected with my uncle somehow’. I just told him that I had sex when I shouldn’t have and that I realized he didn’t understand what was going on with me at the time.

      The problem was his reaction when I told him. He got mad that I had sex. Again, it wasn’t the right reaction to my statements. He was mad that I did something that I didn’t really want to do and I told him that by the time I realized that I didn’t want to it was a little late to back out. Anyway, the rest of the conversation didn’t go that well. We didn’t fight or anything close but I felt defensive and annoyed that I had to explain myself. I really need to talk to my therapist about all of this so I’m just going to put the brakes on initmacy right now until I’m sure that I’m ok.

      I actually understand what you’re saying about your other partners actions. Back about 10 years, my husband did something similar after I had my bipolar breakdown. I haven’t really written about it but I was psychotic and delusional. For some strange reason I thought I was in love with this guy I worked with. Now when I say that you have to understand that this “feeling” came overnight after I hadn’t eaten or slept for days. I was complately looney and I had never looked at this doofus twice. Thankfully even the guy knew me well enough to know that I wasn’t myself, so he ignored me which was good since some losers would have taken advantage of me. Later that day I was locked up in the psych hospital and that’s when we found out what was wrong with me. When I finally came through the psychosis I had no idea why I would have thought anything about that guy. It made absolutely no sense! It was all because of the delusions. Anyway, nothing happened at all except for me making a fool of myself and I was glad when the drugs levelled me out. BUT, when I got home from psych ward, my husband had bought me tons of lingerie and he wanted sex. To this day, that is a horrible experience in my mind, and he did it because he needed to feel close to me after thinking that I had cheated, which of course I hadn’t, and he knew that. I gave in at the time because I felt so guilty about causing trouble even though it wasn’t my fault and nothing happened.

      Things have changed A LOT between us in 10 years and I know that he would never do that now. He’s come a long way; it’s ridiculous how much better he’s gotten with the mental stuff. Of course, that’s bipolar stuff and this is about abuse so once again we’re going to need communication but first I have to get my own thoughts straight.

      I’m really sorry that you’ve had such uncaring people in your life. No one should feel used and that’s really sad that it happened to you. I’m sending you a safe hug right now.

  7. attached says:

    You’re not horrible. You are very brave. It is hard for me to comment because I have had the same experiences. I used to say I loved sex like a man, fast, hard, very little foreplay, and no need for after connection. It has changed but I’m not able to stick with the change. My husband is kind and supportive too but I often can’t say anything while I struggle with sex or the aftermath.

    It is a very brave post. I hope you can talk to T about it and it helps. It helped me to read it and I felt less alone.

    Love and Hugs,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hey di,

      I’m sorry you’ve had similar experiences. I totally get the doing it fast with no emotions thing. I’m glad you have a supportive husband. That’s really important. I will definitely be talking to my therapist it and I’m glad that the post made you feel less alone. It’s easier for me to be stupid-honest if I know that it might help someone. 🙂

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