Why am I scared?


I’ve been thinking about my upcoming therapy session and I was mulling over my feelings of apprehension and resistance. I decided to try to write and see if it helps me work out why I’m afraid. The point of writing this is to be honest with myself so that I can be honest with my therapist.

I’m afraid of a lot of things it seems. I’ll start with what I oddly feel are the negatives:

I’m afraid that I’m a liar. I’m afraid that I’m just an attention seeker who disguises it with seemingly nice behavior and has everybody fooled. I’m afraid that deep down I’m more like my mother, which would mean that I just make up my own reality to make people feel sorry for me. How do I know that I’m not? How can I be sure that I’m not just like her? Even though I believe that she was raped by her brother, her denial when it comes to her treatment of me is an outright lie. Am I any different? Am I creating a dark past out of some sick need for pity? I’m afraid that the fact that I can fantasize about horrible sexual practices means that I’m twisted and sick. I’m afraid that I’m just a sexual deviant who’s managed to convince a group of nice people that I belong here with them. I’m even afraid of saying this because there are people out there who like to believe that stories of sexual abuse are made up and they may look at my words as proof of their disgustingly insane beliefs.

That’s just one side of my fears and it’s weird that I would view those fears as a bad thing, but I guess I’d rather not believe that I’m a liar and a bad person. Looking at the other side of fears, I come up with these:

I’m afraid that the feelings I’ve had are based on fact. I’m afraid that there are terrible things that I don’t remember. I’m afraid that much more than a “kiss” happened. I’m afraid that there’s a reason I couldn’t open my legs for the gynecologist. I’m afraid that there’s a more sinister reason that I had vaginismus. I’m afraid of talking about any of this. I’m afraid of looking into why I don’t like it when my husband touches my hair during sex. I’m afraid of thinking of the reasons I would have my rubbed myself against my stuffed animals when I was a kid.

It feels like I could come up with many more fears but I’m tired and I don’t want to write anymore.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Why am I scared?

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Hi Tai,

    My therapist talks about the “inner critic”. That is maybe the identity of the process that you have within where you criticize your thoughts and or feelings, especially when you are pretty sure that the truth is the opposite. Anyway, if so, your inner critic is alive and quite healthy, and has plenty of company.

    Without me going through all the history of your blogs, I am still pretty sure that you have already told us who read your writings that there was more than the “kiss”.

    I highly encourage you to bring these things you wrote to your therapy session tomorrow. She is the one who can help you sort this out. I hope this doesn’t leave you more off center than you are already.

    Therapy sure is slow, unfortunately. I feel that way myself, anyway.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi Freasha, The problem with the inner critic is how do you know when it’s that or your brain telling you that you’re a liar? I will take this entry into therapy and read it to her. It’s easier than trying to tell her myself.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    Please show this to your therapist as it’s written… it’s really telling that you talk about your fears of being a liar, before you talk about your fears of the abuse being real, and more than you are currently aware of. It sort of sounds like something that you would have heard a lot as a child… someone questioning or discrediting your opinion, even when there are obvious signs that things aren’t right, and that what you are saying is true.

    Does it make it any easier to know that we all have these doubts? I know it probably doesn’t, but I will say it anyway. I believe you were hurt, and I’m so sorry that you were hurt in the past, and that you live with the ramifications of that hurt in the present.

    Please go gently on yourself…
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I was actually surprised that you didn’t respond with outrage at the thought that I had deceived all of you. Part of me was expecting to be yelled at for pretending to belong here. I’m actually curious in an odd way why any of you would believe me? And for some reason I’m getting teary and sad. How weird.

      • castorgirl says:

        Hi tb,

        I’d never yell at you. No matter what, I’d never yell at you.
        It’s not weird to get sad and teary at the thought of someone believing you.
        I’m going to send you an email, ok?

        Take care,
        CG

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Ok. I don’t want you think that I was insulting you with the yelling thing. I meant that I deserve it if I’m lying.

      • castorgirl says:

        No one deserves to be yelled at, and it’s not something that I would ever do. Why do you think we would yell at you?

        I didn’t take it as an insult, I took it as being the words of a person who was yelled at in the past – often for things they didn’t understand.

        Take care,
        CG

  3. Sunny says:

    I read this and thought to myself. Oh my! She is writing just what I feel. thank you for putting into words.

    Sunny

  4. alice says:

    iv been quietly reading ur blog for a while but reading this, i hav to comment, this is exactly how i feel! Im so scared about these thoughts, thank u for writing
    alice

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