Post-therapy. Feeling low.

I told my therapist all of the stuff I wrote about here over the last week. I got everything out and then we talked about it. We didn’t get in the specific sex act which is fine because we covered some other stuff.

One positive thing was that I realized that even though my husband and I had a miscommunication last week, the end result was that he made it clear later that he wants me to tell him if I need to stop while we’re being intimate. I didn’t know until I was talking in therapy today that I have never considered saying “no” to be an option. Now it is.

We discussed my thoughts on me being a liar who’s seeking attention. She told me that she’s been treating clients who were sexually abused for over 30 years and every single one of them has the same doubts. She said that it has to do with being a child and it get worse if a relative or a person close to the child was involved. She said the exception to the doubting thing is people who were assaulted as adults. She said that in those situations people tend to be very clear on what happened and identifying who the bad guy is. Children tend to look at themselves as the bad guy and things can be confusing.

She told me that there are other ways, easier ways, that I could get attention if that’s what I was trying to do. She said that I’m doing something I hate, which is being probed and questioned and having to talk about feelings etc.

I tried to put the question of character aside and talk about the possibilities if I could accept that I’m not making things up. That was difficult. If I look at the things I listed when I wrote about being afraid, I would have to accept that more than mouth-related stuff happened, a lot more. I know Freasha mentioned that I have said before that more stuff happened so I will clarify that I’ve swung to the denial end of the spectrum again and when I do that I reject everything that I’ve said before except for the “kiss”.

She made an interesting point about my memory.I told her that when I think of my uncle now, I only remember one day, the day he kissed me. It’s like every interaction I had with him happened that day. I don’t vividly recall anything else. I’m not talking about flashes of things or whatever, I mean straight, lucid memory. I don’t remember him before that day. She said that the reason that particular would stand out for me is because that’s the day I told my grandmother and I was humiliated in front of everyone. Obviously that would stick out. She made a point of saying that logically speaking, a person would not kiss a child between the legs as the first step in molestation. That person would have no idea if the child would tell or how they would react. He would do it he’d had experience and was comfortable with the child. It’s so weird. I have weird images and bits and pieces but nothing of any length to work with. I can’t reconstruct a day or an hour with him that contains specifics. I see a room and I see my aunt and I see the hallway. My body feels all sorts of things that don’t make sense for a normal person. I’m trying to reconcile things so that I can move on to the work of getting better. I know that I don’t need to know every single thing that happened. I know that something happened, I just don’t know how much. I’ll have to deal with that.

I mentioned one of my fears which was trying to understand why I can’t stand my husband touching my hair while we’re “together”. I literally have nothing to go with on that. I can only say that the feeling that comes over me when he does that is overwhelming and I’ve actually had to stop myself from getting combative when he does it. I have to suppress a shudder and I try to move his hand without being obvious about it. I asked my therapist if she had any thoughts about that. ***I’ll put a brief trigger warning here and mark where it ends*** She said that it could be several things. One thing she’s sure of is that it’s a trigger of some kind, we just don’t know why. I asked her about possibilities, not to have an idea planted but because I honestly don’t know how hair could be triggering. She said that maybe he touched my hair to soothe me, maybe it was a turn on for him etc. We just don’t know. ***trigger over*** She said that I should try some free writing, no censoring and just see if anything comes up. I’ll see if I can do that.

By the end of the session I was feeling sad and teary but I didn’t cry. I’ll be brutally honest here: I got in the car and it was really sick because about two tears fell but I was also aroused at the same time. That’s hideous!

My stomach was tense and jumpy and my body felt weird. I wanted to cover myself with my arms but I was driving. I had so many sensations and thoughts going through my head I just didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I played Adele on the way home and sang along with “Set Fire To The Rain” with watery eyes and clenched up muscles. I feel perverted and dirty and confused. My fantasy world is calling me and I wish I could live there with the people in my head. It actually makes me sad that I can’t be with those people. I don’t want to be in this world, it’s too sad. I told my husband not to take it personally if I don’t talk to him today and I’m quite happy to be by myself. I don’t want to be around other humans and right now I wish that it could be this way all the time.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depression, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Intimacy, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Post-therapy. Feeling low.

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Hi Tai,
    I hope you don’t mind being around your fellow souls from cyberspace. At least you don’t have to interact at all unless you want to.

    Again, I am feeling so impressed by your therapist. She really knows what she is doing, it seems to me. It sounds like today’s was a good session.
    I don’t blame you one bit for being in denial about what happened to you. It is not something that an innocent child deserves to experience, or have to remember. If I had walked in on him doing these things to you, I would have gotten violent and very angry, and done what I had to do to get you away from him, then sat on him while I called 911 and made sure that I testified in court and that he got put away in prison where he deserved. It seems in a way, you are the one who has wound up in prison and that was a hugely unfair travesty, and I know it happens even though it is. Then I would have held you on my lap, comforted you and saw to it that you got the help you needed to try to put your life back together and to be able to trust again.

    But none of that happened and the only thing I know of that we have now that can help is a few good therapists.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,
      I meant to say that I wasn’t talking about any of you. Sorry about that.

      That was really sweet of you to say what you would’ve done with my uncle. Very kind. I wish things had been like that and thank goodness for therapists.

      You made me smile which is no small feat tonight. 🙂

  2. meredith says:

    Hey, tai;

    I started to leave a reply yesterday, but I got awfully preachy… and I really didn’t think you needed that.

    One thing that really hits me is how well you intellectualize your arguments and discussions, both here and the way you describe therapy. That’s a great way to avoid getting down to business, but it’s going to fuel your anxiety ten fold. i do the same thing, in my own way, and it’s usually when I want to get around something that’s more than uncomfortable.

    Could your mind be giving you a telescoped view of this incident to assure you that you’re not confused about what happened to you, that you felt shamed and betrayed for telling, and you swore you’d never tell again because… whatever?

    People can’t put thoughts in your mind and make them stay if they’re not true. This, I know for certain. I was given specific imagery, shock, and other things to “alter” my perceptions… but even the memories of conditioning are returning.

    Do you ever say, “thanks, guys” at some point when you realize that you’re on your side? Sometimes, when I wash dishes, I think about how determined, early fragments come together more, then more, then more… until I get the message. I used to resent the intrusion, but lately, I’ve been saying ‘thanks.’ It’s not that I want to think awful thoughts, it’s that I want to have clarity. Doubt doesn’t trump clarity once enough details fit together and create a thread with remembered thought.

    I think you’re trying so hard to keep this technically correct. I get that, too. Just be kind of gentle with yourself, as if you’re taking care of Little You as you go through your days. You’re in charge of protecting yourself now, but you have support and listeners… and it’s a very different time.

    Thinking of you;


    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi Meredith,

      Am I intellectualizing? I asking seriously; what do you see in particular? I want to know because it’s good for me to see what I say from another perspective.
      You’re comment about the telescope view is interesting, can you expand on that? What I mean is that I’ve never heard of that kind of point-of-view before and I’m curious what it means. It also means that my brain is operating like goo this morning and I need things explained to me lol.

      The problem with thoughts is that I can’t accept that it comes from experience. That would be horrible to face. But my therapist hasn’t tried to tell me details of what she thinks happened, only that it’s her opinion that more than that one even happened based on my own feelings and her professional experience. The one time she made a leap early on in our discussion of this last year, I shut her down immediately and told her that I didn’t want her to do that, which she respected. So why can’t I accept it?

      Speaking of horrible, what you went through was torture and I wish I could kick someone’s ass for you. Again, I wish time travel was possible.

      Hmmm…as for saying thank you, no I haven’t done that in a while because it feels like whatever clarity I had before has disappeared into oblivion. There’s nothing to be thankful for right now, I wish there was.

      Is it wrong to wish that I didn’t always have to protect myself? I feel like I’ve been protecting myself my whole life in one way or another. I’m tired of it. Hmmm…I may actually write about that so thank you for giving me something to think about.

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    I agree with your therapist, that kiss was unlikely to be the first step in his grooming of you… which makes me feel so much sympathy and pain for the little girl that you were. You’ve carried that pain around for a long time, and it’s slowly being tended to… give that process a chance.

    Some of my worst self injury is carried out after I’ve been close to the emotions, and confusion that the abuse caused. This makes sense, as it’s so overwhelming. So to feel arousal and sadness makes sense. It feels uncomfortable, and brings with it pile upon pile of shame… but you can work through this. You’ve taken so many brave steps already… including sharing this with your therapist, and you can keep doing this. The thing we often forget as we move along in our healing, is that we are growing stronger as we move closer to the pain. Our skills and ability to cope are increasing… I know there are days when we don’t think we can, but we have so many more resources than we did in the past.

    Go gently and take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Oh my God, it’s like you read my mind or something CG!

      I woke up this morning feeling barely human and so sad. I tried to get through the day but everything got darker and darker and I literally had unshed tears in my eyes the whole time but they wouldn’t fall. I ended up doing some stupid stuff. Looking at things at shouldn’t have etc. Afterwards, it was the first time that I’ve ever felt hatred for my uncle. I’ve never felt that before, but I felt it because I did things that I don’t want to do. Now I’m here and I’m just…nothing. I don’t feel anything except a fear that I’ll backslide more. I’m seeing his face and seeing him in my grandmother’s house again. I’m thinking about my hair and I feel like crap.

      Wow, aren’t you glad you commented? Sorry about that.

      • castorgirl says:

        Yes, I’m glad I commented… Sending you (((warm safe hugs))) only if they are wanted…

        It’s really good that you could direct that hatred at where it belongs – towards your uncle. It’s so much better to be able to direct that anger to where it belongs, and not reflect it back on yourself. That’s a really important healing step!

        Go gently,

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Thanks for the hugs. They’re always good. 🙂

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