I told my therapist all of the stuff I wrote about here over the last week. I got everything out and then we talked about it. We didn’t get in the specific sex act which is fine because we covered some other stuff.
One positive thing was that I realized that even though my husband and I had a miscommunication last week, the end result was that he made it clear later that he wants me to tell him if I need to stop while we’re being intimate. I didn’t know until I was talking in therapy today that I have never considered saying “no” to be an option. Now it is.
We discussed my thoughts on me being a liar who’s seeking attention. She told me that she’s been treating clients who were sexually abused for over 30 years and every single one of them has the same doubts. She said that it has to do with being a child and it get worse if a relative or a person close to the child was involved. She said the exception to the doubting thing is people who were assaulted as adults. She said that in those situations people tend to be very clear on what happened and identifying who the bad guy is. Children tend to look at themselves as the bad guy and things can be confusing.
She told me that there are other ways, easier ways, that I could get attention if that’s what I was trying to do. She said that I’m doing something I hate, which is being probed and questioned and having to talk about feelings etc.
I tried to put the question of character aside and talk about the possibilities if I could accept that I’m not making things up. That was difficult. If I look at the things I listed when I wrote about being afraid, I would have to accept that more than mouth-related stuff happened, a lot more. I know Freasha mentioned that I have said before that more stuff happened so I will clarify that I’ve swung to the denial end of the spectrum again and when I do that I reject everything that I’ve said before except for the “kiss”.
She made an interesting point about my memory.I told her that when I think of my uncle now, I only remember one day, the day he kissed me. It’s like every interaction I had with him happened that day. I don’t vividly recall anything else. I’m not talking about flashes of things or whatever, I mean straight, lucid memory. I don’t remember him before that day. She said that the reason that particular would stand out for me is because that’s the day I told my grandmother and I was humiliated in front of everyone. Obviously that would stick out. She made a point of saying that logically speaking, a person would not kiss a child between the legs as the first step in molestation. That person would have no idea if the child would tell or how they would react. He would do it he’d had experience and was comfortable with the child. It’s so weird. I have weird images and bits and pieces but nothing of any length to work with. I can’t reconstruct a day or an hour with him that contains specifics. I see a room and I see my aunt and I see the hallway. My body feels all sorts of things that don’t make sense for a normal person. I’m trying to reconcile things so that I can move on to the work of getting better. I know that I don’t need to know every single thing that happened. I know that something happened, I just don’t know how much. I’ll have to deal with that.
I mentioned one of my fears which was trying to understand why I can’t stand my husband touching my hair while we’re “together”. I literally have nothing to go with on that. I can only say that the feeling that comes over me when he does that is overwhelming and I’ve actually had to stop myself from getting combative when he does it. I have to suppress a shudder and I try to move his hand without being obvious about it. I asked my therapist if she had any thoughts about that. ***I’ll put a brief trigger warning here and mark where it ends*** She said that it could be several things. One thing she’s sure of is that it’s a trigger of some kind, we just don’t know why. I asked her about possibilities, not to have an idea planted but because I honestly don’t know how hair could be triggering. She said that maybe he touched my hair to soothe me, maybe it was a turn on for him etc. We just don’t know. ***trigger over*** She said that I should try some free writing, no censoring and just see if anything comes up. I’ll see if I can do that.
By the end of the session I was feeling sad and teary but I didn’t cry. I’ll be brutally honest here: I got in the car and it was really sick because about two tears fell but I was also aroused at the same time. That’s hideous!
My stomach was tense and jumpy and my body felt weird. I wanted to cover myself with my arms but I was driving. I had so many sensations and thoughts going through my head I just didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I played Adele on the way home and sang along with “Set Fire To The Rain” with watery eyes and clenched up muscles. I feel perverted and dirty and confused. My fantasy world is calling me and I wish I could live there with the people in my head. It actually makes me sad that I can’t be with those people. I don’t want to be in this world, it’s too sad. I told my husband not to take it personally if I don’t talk to him today and I’m quite happy to be by myself. I don’t want to be around other humans and right now I wish that it could be this way all the time.