The desire to be a stupid girl: a conflict

I’ve been tossing around writing about the desire to experience being a different type of girl and my conflicting feelings on it. I figured instead of debating it, I should just write about it and see what comes up.

My first thought is that I find this desire embarrassing. There’s a part of me that’s very different from the image that I project in my daily life. In reality, I make sure that I come off as strong, not prone to crying, not needing anyone to help me or support me. I make sure that I present myself in the way people expect. They expect a show, I give it to them. If they want to laugh, I make them laugh, if they need someone to listen, I listen, if they need compliments, I try to find something honest that I can say. I’m not sappy, or romantic. I recognize that I’m not pretty and never will be, and I pretend that I’m ok with it.

So, what’s the other side? The other side is that I really do wish I was pretty. I find that embarrassing and I feel like it puts me on the level of the idiotic women I hate who are really into their looks. And yet…I still wish. What else? I secretly wish that I could experience that kind of romantic silliness where some guy is all protective and intense about you. I know, it’s romance novel crap, but I’m thinking more about it being ok to let someone take care of you. I can’t do that because it’s weakness, and I can’t be weak, but the idea is attractive, which makes me feel stupid.

It has nothing to do with my husband because he’s great and would baby me if I would let him. BUT I honestly don’t want to be babied. I find it incredibly insulting. I mean the thought makes me mad. Isn’t that a contradiction of nonsense! I don’t like being held or having my face caressed. I tolerate hugging for other people but I’m not big on it. When I’m sick, I take care of myself and I don’t want my husband coming in and asking me how I am etc. I want silly things but I also hate them.

I hate the romantic images of women who swoon and get carried around by big heroic men. That’s not what I mean. I don’t want some man paying for me and humoring me and telling me that I’m pretty, blah, blah, blah.

So what do I want? I have no idea. I set out to figure that out when I started writing this but I’ve only succeeded in embarrassing myself further. That’s ok. You guys know more about than anybody so I’m long past the embarrassing mark.

Is this more about wanting to be more normal? No? What’s normal anyway?

I do know that I’m a full-grown woman and I shouldn’t fantasize about silly things. I know that I shouldn’t see the petite women who are shorter than me and feel like a lumbering oaf, but I do. I know that I should be happy that I have “personality” instead of looks but I have to admit that I’m shallow enough to wish I had both.

I’m actually tempted to laugh at myself for entertaining such pathetic notions. I’m better than this so why am I whining about being plain? Maybe I’m tired of being depressed and hating life and I wish that I could just have something a little bit shallow.

Writing this, I’m reminded of a time when I was talking to a group of women and they were talking about hair and nails and stuff. They were talking about manicures, and they laughed at me when I said that I’ve never had one. I remember being partially smug that I wasn’t that vain but I was also shamed, like I wasn’t normal or something because I don’t like that stuff. I fancy myself more of a “guy’s girl” because I’ve always gotten along better with men. I usually find women to be very irritating. But I also feel out of place with them because I feel too tall and too ugly and too ‘into guy stuff’ to fit in. It’s weird though, because I love being a woman. I’m perfectly happy to be female.

Hmmm, I’m pretty sure that I had a point when I started writing this but it has definitely gotten away from me lol.

I give up. I have no idea what I was trying to figure out. Maybe I just wanted to admit out loud that I’m silly and vain. Now everyone knows lol.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in dissociative identity disorder. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to The desire to be a stupid girl: a conflict

  1. Pandora says:

    tai, have you been reading my mind? Seriously, I could have written every single word of this myself (bar the fact that you’re tall – I’m a complete short-arse!). I’ve nothing remotely helpful to say, but I did want you to know that I empathise pretty much 100%. Sending hugs, as ever. x

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I’m actually glad you said this because I was seriously considering deleting this post. A few hours after I put I it up, I was horrified that I had said such stupid stuff. Now, I feel better. So, you were very helpful. 🙂

      How are you Pan? After what ahppened to Ms.Cat you’ve been on my mind.

  2. a) I’ll bet you are beautiful, whatever you are telling yourself
    b) you might *think* you want to be ‘beautiful’ because that’s what society tells us women should be; in expressing this wish you are wishing society valued you for being a person not a thing
    c) wanting to be ‘rescued’- whilst not appropriate in an adult, is a part of you; the bit that was damaged, that didn’t get the help it needed, all that. You as a person did the best you did to rescue that self, but it’s right to be pissed you didn’t get the necessary help from outside yourself.

    Sorry, blunt, probably not saying it right, but you are saying things really clearly if you can see it yourself.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi urbanwarrior,

      I didn’t think you were blunt. I think you brought up a logical point with point C. I have to imagine that there’s some residual desire for rescue leftover from childhood, it would make sense. I just really hate sinking down to a level about physical stuff but it still happens.
      I’m glad that what I wrote came out coherently because I was looking at it thinking that it made no sense. Thanks. 🙂

  3. callmeams says:

    You could have been describing me with this post. Don’t feel embarrassed, because you are not alone here. I want those romance novel things too, but not really. I relate better to men than women and in fact didn’t have a female friend other than family until I was into my 20’s. I always have to put up a strong front and be what others need even though it’s killing me inside.

    I don’t think there is something wrong with us. I think it’s them. We should start a club.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi Amy!
      How are you?

      Like I told pandora, your comment also made me feel better or at least, less silly. 🙂 I do think that people who have been abused tend to put up really strong fronts even if they’re falling apart inside. It doesn’t seem right to have to go through such bad things at a young age and then still have to put on a show as an adult. Even though on the flip side, I think it’s good to have a kind of inner strength that many people lack.

  4. I can relate. Never had a manicure, no interest. I’m always painting, gardening, or doing some household task that would ruin expensive nails anyway. I always wonder how those pretty, all put together people do anything real with nails like that? or maybe they don’t? I also refuse to wear cute shoes that hurt my feet. But I still do a double-take walking by cute shoes, then yell at myself for caring. You’re not silly. Our brains are just complicated.

  5. castorgirl says:

    I think the title for this post is really interesting… why is the desire to be a girl stupid, and are all girls stupid? What is it about being a girl that is so scary?

    I work with an incredibly intelligent, strong woman… and she reads Mills and Boon romances. I’ve worked with other woman who use their nail polish and make-up as war paint… So they have all the trappings of appearing like a girl, but act very though, and quite frankly scare me.

    I wear baggy jeans and shirts as my uniform at work… I do this to protect myself and appear as unattractive, and unfeminine as possible. I learned from an early age that being a girl hurt, and that people would use any sign of weakness as an opening to hurt you more. It became almost like a conditioning to appear as asexual as possible.

    Do you remember the doll that I used for the photo of the self-portrait in one of the Expressive Arts Carnivals? I mutilated the doll, and one of the most important things for me to do was to cut off her hands and feet, so she couldn’t get away, and she couldn’t reach for help. Reaching for help is scary, as you might be rejected… it takes strength to allow someone to help you, it’s not weak. You’re allowing someone in when you’re vulnerable, and showing someone that you do need help.

    This is a really important post tb, I hope you show it to your therapist.

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      You think this is important CG? Why? I’m seriously curious which is hard to convey with words so I’m saying it. 🙂 Oh, let me clarify that I don’t mean the subject isn’t important. Your comments about the doll and your feelings about that are very powerful and very important. I’m talking about my own gibberish here. It seems to me that my feelings are embarassing and unworthy of someone claiming to have a brain. Again, I’m applying the “I’m the exception to the rule” rule and I’m not talking about anyone who’s commented on this post. I, personally feel stupid having thoughts like this. When the others commented that they understand these feelings I felt sad that they would feel bad about themselves but I don’t feel that way about myself. It seems arrogant and vain and petty for me to want to be pretty or feminine or whatever and I hate that about myself. The title of the post is about me feeling stupid for wanting to be like other girls/women. I can feel jealous of petite, delicate women and even though I like being a “guy’s girl”, more often than I’d like to admit, I wish that I was the girl that guys are attracted to.

      It seems weird that I would feel that way. It seems like I should hate them. And for some reason, it’s not enough that my husband tells me I’m pretty. I don’t believe him. I think he says it because when you love someone they tend to look good to you. It’s like my ego needs feeding and that’s what’s so unacceptable. I don’t want to be that person.

      Your tactic of “dressing down” so to speak is very normal. I’ve heard a lot about women who were abused working to make themselves either blend in, or as you said, appear asexual. It’s a defense and I think it makes sense. It makes me sad though because…huh, I was going to say something nice about you but then I thought about the reason you protect yourself and I’m not going to risk causing you pain by saying something about your appearance. Hopefully you know what I mean since I’m mucking it up. 🙂

      Another thought occured to me. Maybe you’re thinking that the part about letting someone help, or take care of me making me feel weak is the important part? I’m really slow tonight. I started that new medication and I’m trying to get used to it.

      Did my explanation come out in any understandable way or am I too drugged?

      • castorgirl says:

        Hi tb,

        The whole post is important because it shows your vulnerabilities, and where you struggle between how you perceive yourself, how others perceive you, and your ideal of what a woman should be. I could be reading this wrong, and projecting my own issues all over the place, but it seems like you have this ideal of femininity as being small, delicate, attractive, and being able to be rescued. This is pretty much in keeping with what society prizes in a woman… but is this really femininity? What does being female really mean to you? What within your thinking is the society ideal – which no one can live up to, and what is based in reality?

        Is it threatening to consider yourself feminine? If so, why?

        Why is it scary to let someone take care of you? What is acceptable for someone to do for you when you are sick?

        It seems there’s lots of core beliefs within this post, so it would be good to explore them some more with your therapist. But again, i could be projecting my issues everywhere, and you should ignore everything I’ve just written 🙂

        Take care,

      • CimmerianInk says:

        I don’t think you projected at all CG. Your points were valid and thought provoking. You’re absolutely right about my perception of what feminine is. I think that I heard so much teasing about my height growing up that it stuck. Also the girls that I see guys drooling over are all shorter than me and they’re very, well, girly. It makes me think that I would need to look like them to be feminine. And you’re right that this idea is definitely fed by society, which makes me mad at myself for buying into it.

        I’m glad you asked the questions here that you did. I need to think about it. My initial reactions are: 1) It’s not threatening to consider myself feminine because I’m not. 2) Needing someone to take care of me means that I’ve failed and I’m weak. 3) When I’m sick, I don’t need anyone. When I had labyrinthitis I took care of myself for about 4 days before I would go to the doctor.

        There are core beliefs here, I just don’t know the root of them, even though I can guess.

        Thank you for being you. 🙂 I needed to hear this.

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