I’ve been tossing around writing about the desire to experience being a different type of girl and my conflicting feelings on it. I figured instead of debating it, I should just write about it and see what comes up.
My first thought is that I find this desire embarrassing. There’s a part of me that’s very different from the image that I project in my daily life. In reality, I make sure that I come off as strong, not prone to crying, not needing anyone to help me or support me. I make sure that I present myself in the way people expect. They expect a show, I give it to them. If they want to laugh, I make them laugh, if they need someone to listen, I listen, if they need compliments, I try to find something honest that I can say. I’m not sappy, or romantic. I recognize that I’m not pretty and never will be, and I pretend that I’m ok with it.
So, what’s the other side? The other side is that I really do wish I was pretty. I find that embarrassing and I feel like it puts me on the level of the idiotic women I hate who are really into their looks. And yet…I still wish. What else? I secretly wish that I could experience that kind of romantic silliness where some guy is all protective and intense about you. I know, it’s romance novel crap, but I’m thinking more about it being ok to let someone take care of you. I can’t do that because it’s weakness, and I can’t be weak, but the idea is attractive, which makes me feel stupid.
It has nothing to do with my husband because he’s great and would baby me if I would let him. BUT I honestly don’t want to be babied. I find it incredibly insulting. I mean the thought makes me mad. Isn’t that a contradiction of nonsense! I don’t like being held or having my face caressed. I tolerate hugging for other people but I’m not big on it. When I’m sick, I take care of myself and I don’t want my husband coming in and asking me how I am etc. I want silly things but I also hate them.
I hate the romantic images of women who swoon and get carried around by big heroic men. That’s not what I mean. I don’t want some man paying for me and humoring me and telling me that I’m pretty, blah, blah, blah.
So what do I want? I have no idea. I set out to figure that out when I started writing this but I’ve only succeeded in embarrassing myself further. That’s ok. You guys know more about than anybody so I’m long past the embarrassing mark.
Is this more about wanting to be more normal? No? What’s normal anyway?
I do know that I’m a full-grown woman and I shouldn’t fantasize about silly things. I know that I shouldn’t see the petite women who are shorter than me and feel like a lumbering oaf, but I do. I know that I should be happy that I have “personality” instead of looks but I have to admit that I’m shallow enough to wish I had both.
I’m actually tempted to laugh at myself for entertaining such pathetic notions. I’m better than this so why am I whining about being plain? Maybe I’m tired of being depressed and hating life and I wish that I could just have something a little bit shallow.
Writing this, I’m reminded of a time when I was talking to a group of women and they were talking about hair and nails and stuff. They were talking about manicures, and they laughed at me when I said that I’ve never had one. I remember being partially smug that I wasn’t that vain but I was also shamed, like I wasn’t normal or something because I don’t like that stuff. I fancy myself more of a “guy’s girl” because I’ve always gotten along better with men. I usually find women to be very irritating. But I also feel out of place with them because I feel too tall and too ugly and too ‘into guy stuff’ to fit in. It’s weird though, because I love being a woman. I’m perfectly happy to be female.
Hmmm, I’m pretty sure that I had a point when I started writing this but it has definitely gotten away from me lol.
I give up. I have no idea what I was trying to figure out. Maybe I just wanted to admit out loud that I’m silly and vain. Now everyone knows lol.