I am…disturbed *I will mark the triggering part with asterisks and mark the end*

I had a weird thought today. I was taking a bath and I my damn uncle popped into my head. I had an image materialize in my mind like I was travelling back in time and I ended up back in my grandmother’s living room. I think it was the day he “kissed” me. I was sitting there but something was off and I kept shifting the position of the me I was seeing in the room. My uncle was there sitting in the chair and his wife was there too sitting either in another chair or on the couch close by. I kept thinking about the nickname he called me but I wasn’t thinking about it in the present, I was thinking about it in the past. I kept thinking that physically I should be closer to him when I hear it. It was strange, it was like I was trying to put together a puzzle with blank pieces. The me I saw was a combination of the child me and the adult me, it made it safer somehow but it’s like I made her that way so I could be in that room and not wig out. I ended up with “me” sitting on his lap and it seemed to be more…right I guess?

************trigger warning*************

I became obsessed with this notion of him having his pants open with me on his lap as a little girl. I was wearing a dress because that’s what I was wearing when he kissed me. But it was weird because my aunt was sitting a few feet away by herself. I kept thinking that he couldn’t finish what he’d started with her there because how would he make sounds or anything? Then I thought that he couldn’t finish it because he would make a mess that my grandmother would see on me later. It didn’t seem to matter in my head though and yet it did. There were some strange feelings, like barely feeling him down there and he was talking to me, calling me the nickname but acting like nothing was happening. I was playing with toys or something and he just held me on his lap. In my mind I was very aware of him being partially in me but just barely. It was enough that it could’ve felt good but not enough for anything real. In my mind, I knew how to move but I did it while playing with whatever toys there were that I couldn’t see. Of course this couldn’t have happened because he wouldn’t have done that with his wife there and the possibility of having to get up quickly at any moment.************end trigger**************

The image changed and I returned to the normal view of him picking me up to “kiss” me and there was a strong feeling of him having waited until the other adults had gone into the kitchen before he picked me up and it was like he saying (not exactly out loud) “Gotcha!” in a playful but possessive way. Like saying, “You’re mine” or “This is mine.” I don’t know why I feel this way but I do. Then I remembered a picture of him and his wife that is in our family photo album which my mother has. It’s a picture of them in my grandmother’s living room, the same room and I wonder to this day if that picture was taken that day. Strangely, I remember the picture being taken but I don’t remember when. Anyway, I was thinking of the picture and I was thinking that he looks really comfortable in the picture, just laid back and relaxing. It makes me wonder how often he came to the house because I only remember the day of the kiss, unless the picture was taken a different day. If I think like a normal person, if I had never been to someone’s house, even a relative’s, I wouldn’t be likely to put my feet up and lay back. He looked at ease and it confuses me because I can’t remember him being there before. I really wish I knew if the kiss and the picture happened the same day or two different days.

Unfortunately I reacted to these thoughts in the classic way which made me feel like filth. It was also odd because when I was back in the fake past, I felt like there was an affection towards him that I don’t remember. It really centered around that nickname because it made me feel special. What was the point of this exercise? What does imagining things accomplish? There are no facts there. It just served to disturb me and I don’t need to hate myself more for imagining things. After writing this I’m really irritated.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I am…disturbed *I will mark the triggering part with asterisks and mark the end*

  1. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    When reading this, the first thing that struck me was the imagery of you being abused in plain sight… like people knew, and should of protected you; but they didn’t. There’s huge amounts of betrayal in that idea. There’s also disconnection from what happened, in that you were being abused, but you didn’t really feel it. Then there’s his “possessiveness” of you as an object… I know I could be projecting those reactions, so I’m sorry if I’ve misunderstood what you were saying. It’s so painful to think of you as this innocent little girl being hurt by those who were in places of trust. I’m so sorry that happened to you – and I realise that this post is a representative thought, rather than anything that happened.

    Sometimes our imagination is a way to try and make sense of things. I know that can be confusing, but don’t discount them, and don’t judge it too harshly. Keep doing your reality checks, and take them into your therapist if you can…

    You know what, I’m angry that you were hurt… why are you angry that you’re recovering from that hurt? Hmmm I don’t know how to say that question nicely, so I hope it’s not too blunt. But it’s like you’re getting angry for trying to work things through, when shouldn’t you be getting angry at your uncle for hurting you? At your aunt for what you see as her role in allowing it to occur?

    Sorry if I’ve been projecting too much…

    Please take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      CG your comment put a whole lot of sense into something that made no sense to me. Thank you for that. I found your breakdown of the images to be very helpful and logical which is what I needed. I don’t think you projected at all. I will talk about this with my therapist but I’m glad that you commented beforehand because she may or may not read too much into what I saw. She’s actually been exceptionally good about not making everything literal, which I’ve appreciated. The possessiveness thing really freaked me out and I’m surprised that it did. Not your comment about it, I mean what I saw and felt in my head. It was almost like I was a little animal that had been caught by some hunter and no one could help me. There’s almost a sense of desperate defeat when I think about it. But, let’s call that information of some kind and I’ll take it to therapy.

      I had to laugh when you called me out about my own reaction. 🙂 I didn’t really think about why I was irritated with myself, I just was. But it’s true that I’m not angry with the person I should be. I’ve only manged to feel that anger at him once and it was brief. Maybe I can talk about that in therapy too.

      I want you to know that what you said was really, really helpful.

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