I had a weird thought today. I was taking a bath and I my damn uncle popped into my head. I had an image materialize in my mind like I was travelling back in time and I ended up back in my grandmother’s living room. I think it was the day he “kissed” me. I was sitting there but something was off and I kept shifting the position of the me I was seeing in the room. My uncle was there sitting in the chair and his wife was there too sitting either in another chair or on the couch close by. I kept thinking about the nickname he called me but I wasn’t thinking about it in the present, I was thinking about it in the past. I kept thinking that physically I should be closer to him when I hear it. It was strange, it was like I was trying to put together a puzzle with blank pieces. The me I saw was a combination of the child me and the adult me, it made it safer somehow but it’s like I made her that way so I could be in that room and not wig out. I ended up with “me” sitting on his lap and it seemed to be more…right I guess?
I became obsessed with this notion of him having his pants open with me on his lap as a little girl. I was wearing a dress because that’s what I was wearing when he kissed me. But it was weird because my aunt was sitting a few feet away by herself. I kept thinking that he couldn’t finish what he’d started with her there because how would he make sounds or anything? Then I thought that he couldn’t finish it because he would make a mess that my grandmother would see on me later. It didn’t seem to matter in my head though and yet it did. There were some strange feelings, like barely feeling him down there and he was talking to me, calling me the nickname but acting like nothing was happening. I was playing with toys or something and he just held me on his lap. In my mind I was very aware of him being partially in me but just barely. It was enough that it could’ve felt good but not enough for anything real. In my mind, I knew how to move but I did it while playing with whatever toys there were that I couldn’t see. Of course this couldn’t have happened because he wouldn’t have done that with his wife there and the possibility of having to get up quickly at any moment.************end trigger**************
The image changed and I returned to the normal view of him picking me up to “kiss” me and there was a strong feeling of him having waited until the other adults had gone into the kitchen before he picked me up and it was like he saying (not exactly out loud) “Gotcha!” in a playful but possessive way. Like saying, “You’re mine” or “This is mine.” I don’t know why I feel this way but I do. Then I remembered a picture of him and his wife that is in our family photo album which my mother has. It’s a picture of them in my grandmother’s living room, the same room and I wonder to this day if that picture was taken that day. Strangely, I remember the picture being taken but I don’t remember when. Anyway, I was thinking of the picture and I was thinking that he looks really comfortable in the picture, just laid back and relaxing. It makes me wonder how often he came to the house because I only remember the day of the kiss, unless the picture was taken a different day. If I think like a normal person, if I had never been to someone’s house, even a relative’s, I wouldn’t be likely to put my feet up and lay back. He looked at ease and it confuses me because I can’t remember him being there before. I really wish I knew if the kiss and the picture happened the same day or two different days.
Unfortunately I reacted to these thoughts in the classic way which made me feel like filth. It was also odd because when I was back in the fake past, I felt like there was an affection towards him that I don’t remember. It really centered around that nickname because it made me feel special. What was the point of this exercise? What does imagining things accomplish? There are no facts there. It just served to disturb me and I don’t need to hate myself more for imagining things. After writing this I’m really irritated.