After writing my last post a few minutes ago I was reminded of my last session with my therapist. I had considered writing about it but I wasn’t sure. Now though, I feel it necessary because when I see her this week I’m worried she’s going to blow off part of what happened because of her point-of-view on sexuality. I’ll explain.
During our last session the issue of not judging what I do sexually came up again. I understand some of what she’s saying but one of her reasons does not sit well with me at all.
She said that one reason for me not to judge is because when it comes to sexual fantasy pretty much anything goes. She uses this as a reason why I shouldn’t be disgusted with myself when I fantasize about bad things. She said that different things turn different people on and it’s ok. She said that I should just go with it. I disagree. I think that sexual fantasy is varied and can be very different from person to person but I don’t think that it’s ok to fantasize about everything. I feel like her saying that minimized the why of where these fantasies come from. She was trying to say that I should judge myself or think that I’m bad or dirty. I get that. But, it’s not ok to fantasize about being abused when you’re doing it because you were abused. I want to clarify that by saying that I mean the reason for the fantasy is not ok which for me makes the fantasy not ok. Yet, I’m able, at this moment at least, to not judge myself for having them. But, I shouldn’t have them because what happened to me shouldn’t have happened. Does that make sense?
Also, what about people who fantasize about abusing kids? That sure as hell is not ok.
I may have to ask her about what she said because I feel like when I tell her what I posted about a few minutes ago, she’ll say that if it turned me on I should just go with it. I don’t think I should just go with it. She said that in the future she believes that I’ll stop connecting even the good sexual feelings with my uncle and instead I’ll connect them to my husband. I don’t have a problem with that goal but I do have a problem with thinking that I should just embrace the fantasies that are based on abuse. For example, if I had never been abused and I ended up being turned on by fantasies of being bound like some people, then I could accept it that because people are into different things. I look at it like if a person’s first sexual experiences were abuse, and their abuse included being bound and from then on the only thing that got them off was being bound because of what happened, I would feel bad for them and I would encourage them to look into other sexual stimuli.
Am I wrong? Seriously, I want to know.