Part 2, continued from last post

After writing my last post a few minutes ago I was reminded of my last session with my therapist. I had considered writing about it but I wasn’t sure. Now though, I feel it necessary because when I see her this week I’m worried she’s going to blow off part of what happened because of her point-of-view on sexuality. I’ll explain.

During our last session the issue of not judging what I do sexually came up again. I understand some of what she’s saying but one of her reasons does not sit well with me at all.

She said that one reason for me not to judge is because when it comes to sexual fantasy pretty much anything goes. She uses this as a reason why I shouldn’t be disgusted with myself when I fantasize about bad things. She said that different things turn different people on and it’s ok. She said that I should just go with it. I disagree. I think that sexual fantasy is varied and can be very different from person to person but I don’t think that it’s ok to fantasize about everything. I feel like her saying that minimized the why of where these fantasies come from. She was trying to say that I should judge myself or think that I’m bad or dirty. I get that. But, it’s not ok to fantasize about being abused when you’re doing it because you were abused. I want to clarify that by saying that I mean the reason for the fantasy is not ok which for me makes the fantasy not ok. Yet, I’m able, at this moment at least, to not judge myself for having them. But, I shouldn’t have them because what happened to me shouldn’t have happened. Does that make sense?

Also, what about people who fantasize about abusing kids? That sure as hell is not ok.

I may have to ask her about what she said because I feel like when I tell her what I posted about a few minutes ago, she’ll say that if it turned me on I should just go with it. I don’t think I should just go with it. She said that in the future she believes that I’ll stop connecting even the good sexual feelings with my uncle and instead I’ll connect them to my husband. I don’t have a problem with that goal but I do have a problem with thinking that I should just embrace the fantasies that are based on abuse. For example, if I had never been abused and I ended up being turned on by fantasies of being bound like some people, then I could accept it that because people are into different things. I look at it like if a person’s first sexual experiences were abuse, and their abuse included being bound and from then on the only thing that got them off was being bound because of what happened, I would feel bad for them and I would encourage them to look into other sexual stimuli.

Am I wrong? Seriously, I want to know.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Intimacy, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Part 2, continued from last post

  1. I completely agree with you tai. My therapist has also told me that I shouldn’t feel ashamed, dirty, etc about what I do, but from the perspective that you are coming from, not because “anything goes”. We refer to my fantasties/behaviour as a re-enactment of the abuse, not as any kind of normal sexual activity. She hopes that one day I can do these things without the abuse theme – until then it is understood as something that is further damaging to myself and we work on ways to prevent it happening. I believe that what you’re doing is re-enacting (even if it seems not to be based on historical fact) because it is an abuse theme. Re-enactments are normal for people with an abuse history, but it is hurtful and I agree with you that in that regard it is not okay. I hope you can talk to your T about this and sort out what she meant.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi Dawn. It’s good to see you.

      I agree. It seems to me that re-enacting things that have to do with abuse whether based on actual happenings or not, can’t be good for me. I will be bringing this up in therapy although I’m not looking forward to calling her out on something. *sigh*

      I hope you find your way out of that place too. It’s good to remember that it’s not your fault. 🙂

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    I had a very similar issue with Allison… she was trying to normalise some of my behaviours and thoughts, and I was like “NO WAY, they may be normal for others, but they make me feel dirty, disgusting and ashamed. I WANT IT TO STOP NOW!” I’m still not sure that she got it. I think she was trying to ease my fears, and say that there is a range of normal… which I get; but as you and Dawn say, when there is an element of re-enactment in there, then it’s hurting part of the system, so is wrong. I also think it’s part of the system trying to make sense of it all, as well as the impact of the altered way in which we learned about sexualtiy; so there’s a few issues that come into conflict…

    This is just my opinion, but I do think we need to be less judgmental about it all… there is a reason why those behaviours and thoughts are there, and it will take time to learn new ways. If we’re less judgmental, we’re also more likely to find out the underlying motivation for the behaviours and thoughts, so more likely to be able to change things. It’s a strange dynamic, and a very uncomfortable tension.

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      It is a strange dynamic.

      I’m really grateful that you mentioned Allison as I hadn’t realized until I read your comment that I had some anger towards my therapist because of what she said. When you said that Allison had done something similar it gave me a different contaxt to work with. Now I’m thinking that this might be a common therapist thing to do in our situation and while I still disagree with her perspective because of the re-enactment element of it, I can try to think of it as possible training that she’s received. I’ll still bring it up but I’m not mad at her anymore.

      Thanks for your thoughts CG and I agree that it’s still a good thing to be less judgmental.

  3. My whitecoats claim it’s always OK to come back with what their stuff made you think/feel- for a start, you need to say you felt her comments diminished you/your experience.

    And I agree. it’s not a sign of a healthy person to have fantasy (sexual or otherwise) about being in control/out of control/in control of someone else. I don’t think I’m as puritanical as this makes me sound, but I’m finding it peculiar that therapists are happy to go along with the idea it’s OK to want to experience (in any way) power games. Sex SHOULD NOT be about power. If it’s just a way of making you feel OK with where you’re at until you transition to a more healthy stage, maybe, but if that’s the case it sounds like that wasn’t made clear to you.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I did bring it up and I’m glad as I have a better idea of what she meant in context.

      I think she meant more what you were saying about it being a transitional thing until I can feel sexual about something unrelated to the abuse.

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