I woke up this morning and was pretty disgusted with myself for indulging in compulsive behavior recently. I think for a while I kind of just gave up and thought that since I’m a slut I might as well enjoy it. This morning I was tired of being a slut and I wished really hard that I could be a different version of me who doesn’t do things like this. I want to be clean and I’m not, but I wish that I was. I wanted to find a way to reach inside myself and find that other me and bring her out so that she could be clean. But I don’t think that she exists because honestly, when was I ever clean? At birth? Sure, but that didn’t last long did it? I don’t want to give up on it though because I’m tired of hating myself for this. I have enough reasons to hate myself without adding to it with compulsive behavior.
Before I finally decided to drag my ass outta bed, I had a moment where I realized that I don’t like it when my husband moves my head with his hand during sex. Yes this is a giant change in subject from my last sentences. When he kisses me, sometimes he’ll move my head or my face to meet his, or turn it towards his, and I absolutely loathe it! I mean loathe may not be a strong enough word. Now I have to add that he does this in a way that most women would find romantic I’m thinking. It’s passionate or something, but it makes me ill and I immediately want to pull away but I try not to show it. I try to hide how I’m feeling but until recently, like within the last two days, I didn’t think about why I react like this. It’s like when he touches my hair during sex. Same reaction except that holding my face or moving it makes me react even more strongly. It’s really awful now that I think about it.
So, now I ask why? Why do I feel like this? I don’t know. I tried to open a way internally this morning to say that if there’s some information for me to know, it’s ok to tell me but I feel very disconnected from myself. It was like there was no answer or response, like I’ve been out of touch so long, no one’s talking to me. Can that happen? I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been under the impression that all of this DID stuff is supposed just happen naturally so I haven’t connected with any of my parts in a very, very long time. The most I’ve done were those collages of male alter impressions that I had but I haven’t connected in any form or fashion.
So what do I do? There’s a disconnect and it makes me feels out of sync with myself. But I thought that I’m not supposed to force anything so I thought I’m just supposed to sit around and if someone talks, then they talk if not then I go about my business. Do any of you actually seek out your parts to communicate? I’m really at a loss as I feel not quite right this morning.
Realizing that I needed to relax, I took a page from meredith’s book and did a brief bit of yoga this morning. It was a very gentle group of poses on a dvd that I love, but my body protested. I did what I could though and I’m glad because at least that felt better. My girl cat got down on the ground with me and I cracked up as she rolled around on the floor while I went through different poses. Sh especially liked the cat pose which was hilarious. She brushed up against me and purred, it was silly.
One note from something my therapist said this week (or was it last week?). We were talking about progress and I said that I feel like I’ve just been sitting still in the same spot for a long time. There’s been no new information or anything coming to me and I felt like a failure. She said that I wasn’t and that I was going at a really good pace. She said it’s about trust, trust in myself and she used an illustration that I found useful and sad at the same time because it involved mothers and I had to imagine what the child would feel like because I don’t know what it’s like to have a mother that you can run to. Anyway, the illustration was that if you see a child playing by the ocean and the child wants to go in the water but they’re scared, what do they do? The child will go to the edge of the water and put their toes in really quick and then run back to their mom for comfort. Then after a while, the child will go back and put their toes in again and then run back. They do this until they get more comfortable but they always run back to their mother for comfort when they get scared. If I remember correctly, the point was that I’m doing that right now within myself. testing things out and then running back when I get scared. Testing trust.
Like I said, the illustration made me sad because I don’t know what it feels like to have that kind of mother. In all truth, my mother would have hit me if I had run back to her afraid of something. So I guess that I have to figure out how that would be and do that for myself right?
Have a good day everyone. You’re all in my thoughts.