Feeling inhuman and fake

The disconnect is getting worse perhaps. Today I have to be in a car with someone I really don’t like during a trip and I’m hoping that she doesn’t drive me crazy. The bigger problem is that I’m not myself as the disconnect is pretty heavy now. But it’s the lack of feeling that feels the worse. It’s just not right and therefore I don’t feel right. I can’t even make collages because when I go to Polyvore something happens and my brain just can’t connect to the synapses that do this or something. It’s like I feel nothing. There’s just nothing! So I can’t even express myself in the usual way. I can’t adequately describe how this feels because it would seem like no big deal to feel a lack of emotion but I do. I even did something stupid intimately with my husband and I didn’t feel a damn thing. I don’t know if I was trying to get a reaction or what but nothing happened. It’s like half of my brain is missing. I can’t tolerate this though but I don’t know what to do either…


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in depersonalization, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Feeling inhuman and fake

  1. alice says:

    its awful feeling so seperate from everything, its so easy for me to say but try not to push yourself into feeling things, it might end up being overwhelming and you shouldnt have to deal with too much after this feeling.
    I hope youre ok, youre in my thoughts.
    Alice x

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    Sorry to hear this, Tai. Maybe CG is on to something regarding your medications. I remember being on a SSRI and losing a lot of emotional feeling, not just the depression. I would prefer mild depression to numbness. Numbness is the worst. I don’t remember what medications you are taking. I think you went back on Wellbutrin, which I am on, and it doesn’t normally do this. But maybe your natural brain condition fluctuates such that the exogenous chemical corrections you make (with your psychiatrist directing) need to be following more closely behind. I don’t know…
    Just a couple more days before you see your therapist who I am confident will be able to help you, even if she won’t be able to understand it personally.
    I just hope you survive the drive, and it would be great if you actually enjoy it.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hey Freasha,

      I was on wellbutrin but now I take Saphris again at a low dose. I don’t know what the deal is but I hope that my therapist can help.

      I did survive the drive, especially the way back because the person I don’t like slept most of the way lol.

  3. DP Blog says:

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I know exactly how it feels to be disconnected like this and it truly is torture!

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    One thing that I’m cautioned about when I’m feeling disconnected… even though “you” might not be feeling anything, parts of the system could be feeling things so much, that they’re overwhelmed and shut off. So if we do something to try and force a connection, it can traumatise parts that are already hurting. I obviously don’t know if that is what is happening with you, but that you were being faced with the stressful situation of being in the car with someone you don’t like for a long time, is enough to increase the dissociative coping.

    Go gently on yourself… do what you can to soothe and ground yourself (groom your cats, walk around in bare feet to feel the carpet/lino/bare floorboards, etc)

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Thanks for the advice CG. I was thinking that it never occured to me to try and ground myself because I didn’t think anything dissociative was happening. I thought the the lack of feeling, the disconnect meant something else. I don’t know what’s going on either but I did notice that after the trip was over I had a few feelings return in a kind of sputtering, random way. I don’t know why that car trip would have stressed me out though. It’s so weird.

  5. It was nice post. I feel how my humanity is slowly going away. I feel inhuman and extreme to this world. Mby dying would help me to find peace.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      I’m sorry you’re in such a low place. I’ll tell you what my therapist told me: feelings come and go. If you can ride out some of these intense waves of emotion, eventually they abate a bit so you can breathe. But I always needed help and I encourage you to talk to someone and not try to handle this on your own.

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