A brief flood after disconnect and then a sputtering kaput


I recently wrote about this odd disconnect I’ve been having which felt like I was missing a limb. Over the weekend I was on my way back home, still in the car with one of the people I can’t stand, but the reason for the trip was over and we were going home. It was then that I felt the first emotions that I had felt in many days. What surprised me was that I felt overwhelming sadness and a desire to die. Just BOOM! like that. I had long enough to feel it and then it was gone again. It was so odd too because I was sitting in the car experiencing all of this while the other people in the car talked and no one could tell that anything was wrong. Isn’t that weird how you can just handle stuff without letting on?

Anyway, the feeling receding and I felt slightly disturbed but also oddly grateful that I at least felt something. I talked to my therapist about the disconnect and her opinion was that it likely a combination of the Saphris and stress over the stuff I had to do that weekend ie; being in a crowd of over 6,000 people, being trapped for hours in the car with a woman who says insulting things about mental illness and is love with shoes, and then lunch the next day at someone’s house. It sounded like the two factors together most likely contributed to the disconnect. I’m hoping that since I’m now off the Saphris, things will go back to normal (haha normal :P). I don’t know how long it will take though.

I still don’t feel right and I don’t like it but at least I’m hopeful that my mind will collect itself again so I can feel like a whole person (haha whole person :P).

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Alters, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, PTSD, suicidal ideation and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to A brief flood after disconnect and then a sputtering kaput

  1. meredith says:

    Hi, tai;

    I read your article the other day about not feeling anything. Because I don’t know anything about your meds or their side-effects, I decided I shouldn’t comment. When I read this post today, I decided to go ahead and share.

    Often, after I work through unresolved memories, or having flashbcks of traumatic events I don’t seem to feel anything for a time. I assumed that the shock of what I remembered left me feeling numb, and I left it at that. At one session, though, I talked about the Void and my therapist asked what I remembered about periods following trauma or abuse when I was younger. I told her I usually went “non,” as in non-feeling, non-responsive, just “non.” She suggested that the emptiness I experienced in the present was likely related to flashbacks, as well. When I thought about it, I started to remember the shock and pain I retreated with to my room after ‘whatever.’ I started paying attention to the numbness, and noticed a pattern.

    I never thought of shock or numbness being part of a flashback, but the more we worked on it, the more clearly I remembered that silence and feeling nothing were the best ways to stop things from escalating, again.

    I don’t know if this has relevance for you, but I thought I’d share. I have times, as well, when my mind is a 3-D presentation of youth that I’m the only one aware of. It’s very upsetting when I can’t interrupt it and redirect… but yesterday, I wondered why I always feel like I’m the one who needs to pull together. Some days, I wish I had a brain play with a button so that I could push the button and let others come along with my ride to see how it works for them. It’s dumb, I know, but I have an inspired coach in my life who currently has a plan for evening out my ups and downs… whoop, whoop. I got up to do yoga this morning, then thought… fuck this. I feel like shit and only rest and Ibuprofen are going to help me, now.

    Sometimes, this stuff is just crap, crap, crap. I hear you.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Your therapist had good insight. I can see how even the numbness you would feel could be a flashback on its own. I’m hoping that being off the medication will help things right themselves, then I can process what’s really going on. Thanks for sharing your experience meredith.

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