A nasty impulse and a HUGE question of why I felt the need to do it *About my doll*

Ok, I had something weird happen:

You might remember that I have a doll. She’s a baby doll and I bought her on Ebay because she was made during the years I was a child and therefore looks like the kind of doll I would’ve played with. She’s black, so she looks right in that way too. As a reminder, when I first bought her, she had no clothes which was what I wanted because I needed to see if she looked like the right kind of doll before I bought her. After I got her, i hated her with a vengeance. I fought with the impulse to pull her head off or beat her on a regular basis. Obviously I thought of this doll as more than a doll. I realized that I pictured her as a young me and I hated her. Eventually things changed though and I had a sudden urge to buy her something to cover her. I found a little dress on Ebay and when it came in the mail I put it on her and felt happy that she was covered. I felt like I respected her and it felt good. Fast-forward to today…at least I think it was today, I can’t quite remember because that Seroquel it keeping me drowsy. Anyway, I keep a stack of stuff for my younger parts in my bathroom because it’s private and I keep that room clean and only I use that bathroom. My husband isn’t allowed in there and it’s the master bathroom so no guests ever see it. So, I was in the bathroom and my eyes zeroed in on the doll as I was walking out. I stopped and I was hit with a sudden urge to reach down and touch the doll between the legs. What the hell!!?? Why would I want to do that???? I’m not a pedophile for God’s sake! I didn’t even realize that I was moving to do it until I was starting to kneel down. I brought myself up quickly and was shaken. But then the impulse hit again and I just did it. When it happened I didn’t feel any pleasure in the act, all I felt was revulsion, confusion and an odd distance at the same time. It took maybe 5 seconds? But when it was over I washed my hands because I felt dirty but still distant. I didn’t understand what had happened or why, and now I’m scared of that doll. Why did I do that? I don’t understand.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to A nasty impulse and a HUGE question of why I felt the need to do it *About my doll*

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    I am sure others will have better insights into your “lapse” here. From my perspective, A. you are not a pedophile, and the doll is not a child. B. You are not a pedophile, period. C. My guess is that you could have just discovered a new way to self harm. I am not sure that congratulations are in order here. But it is OK. Just let it be OK, let it go.
    And another possibility: you know how they have dolls in child psychologist’s offices so the children can show what happened to them on the doll? Maybe a child part popped out and wanted to show you what happened.
    OK, I am out of ideas now. But do let it be OK. You are really OK.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I think when I first wrote this post I was still reeling from the shock of what I did, but when I look back at it, I know that I’m not a pedophile. Something weird did happen with the doll, I just don’t get it yet. There was such an odd distance and horror to the whole thing that it still bothers me, and I can’t look at the doll right now. It’s sticking in my head though and I can’t shake it but it’s more like a something I’m feeling in the background, more than something that’s taking over my whole thought process.

      I did consider the theory about someone trying to use the doll to show me something and I need to think on that one. I thought that was a possibility before I wrote the post but I didn’t have a good grasp on what had happened yet.

  2. Pingback: Therapy full of theories | Living With Bipolar Disorder, DID and Childhood Abuse

  3. Lilly says:

    I was thinking it was like you using your power over something you perceive as helpless or less capable. I think that fits with your history from what I have read of your posts and experiences. I can see your shock and disgust.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      When discussing this with my therapist, I had a strong sense that another part of me, whether a fully formed alter or simply representative of something, influenced that action. The doll has always represented me from day one whether I realized it at the time or not. My therapist pointed out something that was also commented on, which is that when you give a child who has been sexually abused a doll, they tend to act out or show what happened with that doll. It’s a theory anyway and it doesn’t feel unreasonable.

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