Ok, I had something weird happen:
You might remember that I have a doll. She’s a baby doll and I bought her on Ebay because she was made during the years I was a child and therefore looks like the kind of doll I would’ve played with. She’s black, so she looks right in that way too. As a reminder, when I first bought her, she had no clothes which was what I wanted because I needed to see if she looked like the right kind of doll before I bought her. After I got her, i hated her with a vengeance. I fought with the impulse to pull her head off or beat her on a regular basis. Obviously I thought of this doll as more than a doll. I realized that I pictured her as a young me and I hated her. Eventually things changed though and I had a sudden urge to buy her something to cover her. I found a little dress on Ebay and when it came in the mail I put it on her and felt happy that she was covered. I felt like I respected her and it felt good. Fast-forward to today…at least I think it was today, I can’t quite remember because that Seroquel it keeping me drowsy. Anyway, I keep a stack of stuff for my younger parts in my bathroom because it’s private and I keep that room clean and only I use that bathroom. My husband isn’t allowed in there and it’s the master bathroom so no guests ever see it. So, I was in the bathroom and my eyes zeroed in on the doll as I was walking out. I stopped and I was hit with a sudden urge to reach down and touch the doll between the legs. What the hell!!?? Why would I want to do that???? I’m not a pedophile for God’s sake! I didn’t even realize that I was moving to do it until I was starting to kneel down. I brought myself up quickly and was shaken. But then the impulse hit again and I just did it. When it happened I didn’t feel any pleasure in the act, all I felt was revulsion, confusion and an odd distance at the same time. It took maybe 5 seconds? But when it was over I washed my hands because I felt dirty but still distant. I didn’t understand what had happened or why, and now I’m scared of that doll. Why did I do that? I don’t understand.