I find this day confusing


I’m so out of sync it feels. The clocks just went back an hour, and my brain has been thinking it’s a day ahead for two days now. It’s been sunny out and the leaves look pretty on the ground but I’m not really feeling alive or feeling the day, if that makes sense.

I had an obligation (not a bad one) the other day but I found myself highly irritable and just plain angry for much of the day. I saw people who I would normally be happy to see, but I wasn’t. The second they started talking I felt like I didn’t have the energy to listen to anything they said. I just didn’t care, but not caring went into irritation and then anger. I tried very hard to pretend I wasn’t feeling annoyed but I didn’t pull it off very well. I think no one noticed which is good. I just wanted to be home and alone.

It’s so weird to see a nice, shiny day outside and feel cut-off and disjointed.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
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8 Responses to I find this day confusing

  1. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    You’ve had a lot of constant stress, change in meds and therapy work over the last few weeks (months), so please go easy on yourself. Are you able to have some downtime from people and their/your expectations for a little bit?

    Sending positive thoughts your way,
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I think part of it is that I don’t feel like things should’ve stressed me out. It feels like it should have been no big deal. I have downtime now but I still feel a bit off so I’m not sure what to do with it. Could be the new med, who knows.

  2. meredith says:

    I have days like that, tai. What am I saying? I have long, uninterrupted seasons of feeling that way. That’s okay! tai, I don’t know what it is inside us that leads us to believe we should be forever well and amicably interactive, but I can’t automatically pull that kind of energy up and out just because the sun is shining or I’m off to an event, Even though I curse myself (as if this is some kind of internal inadequacy), I try to give myself room for working with what I have, and let go of summoning whatever seems lacking at the moment. Does it irritate people? Yup, sometimes it more than irritates them. They have needs, I have needs… but everyone’s needs aren’t forever in alignment.

    Like CG said, you’ve had lots of change, recently; lots of realizations. It’s draining to work things out. VERY DRAINING. I think you’re working so hard… do take care of you. You’re the best friend you’ll ever have.

    Big hugs.

    ~meredith~

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I get you meredith. I think that if it didn’t seem like people required me to be on that it wouldn’t be so draining. But if I’m not “on” all the time when people talk to me, they look at me funny and they get awkward and uncomfortable. It’s like I’m not allowed to be like them. When they aren’t in the mood to talk they can sit around and be sulky but if I do it then it’s weird. It’s the whole act, it’s just tiring.

      Big hugs right back at ya. πŸ™‚

  3. p13c35 says:

    we can understand how difficult those days of feeling cut off from everything is like. and with it all, and everything that is always going on in the back of your head, you do try to fit into a mask that won’t freak people out. they never fit right tho, do they. exhaustion from keeping up the “role”. sending you supportive thoughts.

  4. Alice says:

    i hope youre feeling better today, everyone has days when they dont feel “on” even without dealing with half of what you do, dont be too hard on yourself πŸ™‚
    Alice x

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