I have to say that I had a profound moment of disappointment and irritation during therapy yesterday.
I was sitting there and I told my therapist about what I did to my doll. I was expecting some sort of…well something and she gave me her normal line which is: I’m sure there’s a reason, we just don’t know what it is. I just sit there thinking, “That’s it!? I tell you I fondled my doll and that all you can say!?” I felt the first real doubt I’ve ever had that she can help me. She’s been seeing me for 10 years. We have a good relationship and I’ve told her things I’ve never been able to tell anyone. It’s just that I feel like every session for the past few weeks has been, “I’m sure there’s a reason we just don’t know what it is.” How does that help me? What good is that to me? The point is that I don’t understand. Her telling me that we don’t understand only repeats what I already know! How is progress made like this?
We ended up using an analogy of putting together a puzzle. I added to it by saying that this whole thing is like having a puzzle and knowing before you even start it that there are pieces missing from the box and the picture will never be complete. She countered with still being able to get an idea of the picture even without having all the pieces. I can concede that point. My problem is just sitting there and being told, “If we had all the information, I’m sure everything would make sense.” Well we don’t have all the information do we! So what the hell am I supposed to do?
We talked about the continuing disconnect and my therapist reversed her opinion that the medication had been part of the problem. She said that as she listened to me talk about it she came to feel that it wasn’t the medication. More like there’s a purpose behind the disconnect. One her theories is that the disconnect is the reason everyone is quiet not the other way around. she says that it’s possible my subconscious caused the disconnect to protect me from something that is coming. I really hate that. Not that I don’t appreciate her ideas, it’s just that saying something like sounds scary. On the other hand I told her that at this point I would welcome something happening because this quiet is bothering me.
I also mentioned the thing about my feelings when my husband turns my head to kiss during sex. She said that it absolutely sounded like it had something to do with my abuse and that I need to tell him. I worried that he would be stressing about doing things that trigger me and she said that if I explained to him that if I’m not saying anything, then what he’s doing is ok and that if I promise to speak up if something is triggering then it will let him know what’s ok and what’s not and he won’t have to worry because I would have promised to say if something was wrong. She said that this way, I won’t have to suffer anymore. *sigh* I get so tired of this stuff.