Therapy full of theories

I have to say that I had a profound moment of disappointment and irritation during therapy yesterday.

I was sitting there and I told my therapist about what I did to my doll. I was expecting some sort of…well something and she gave me her normal line which is: I’m sure there’s a reason, we just don’t know what it is. I just sit there thinking, “That’s it!? I tell you I fondled my doll and that all you can say!?” I felt the first real doubt I’ve ever had that she can help me. She’s been seeing me for 10 years. We have a good relationship and I’ve told her things I’ve never been able to tell anyone. It’s just that I feel like every session for the past few weeks has been, “I’m sure there’s a reason we just don’t know what it is.” How does that help me? What good is that to me? The point is that I don’t understand. Her telling me that we don’t understand only repeats what I already know! How is progress made like this?

We ended up using an analogy of putting together a puzzle. I added to it by saying that this whole thing is like having a puzzle and knowing before you even start it that there are pieces missing from the box and the picture will never be complete. She countered with still being able to get an idea of the picture even without having all the pieces. I can concede that point. My problem is just sitting there and being told, “If we had all the information, I’m sure everything would make sense.” Well we don’t have all the information do we! So what the hell am I supposed to do?

We talked about the continuing disconnect and my therapist reversed her opinion that the medication had been part of the problem. She said that as she listened to me talk about it she came to feel that it wasn’t the medication. More like there’s a purpose behind the disconnect. One her theories is that the disconnect is the reason everyone is quiet not the other way around. she says that it’s possible my subconscious caused the disconnect to protect me from something that is coming. I really hate that. Not that I don’t appreciate her ideas, it’s just that saying something like sounds scary. On the other hand I told her that at this point I would welcome something happening because this quiet is bothering me.

I also mentioned the thing about my feelings when my husband turns my head to kiss during sex. She said that it absolutely sounded like it had something to do with my abuse and that I need to tell him. I worried that he would be stressing about doing things that trigger me and she said that if I explained to him that if I’m not saying anything, then what he’s doing is ok and that if I promise to speak up if something is triggering then it will let him know what’s ok and what’s not and he won’t have to worry because I would have promised to say if something was wrong. She said that this way, I won’t have to suffer anymore. *sigh* I get so tired of this stuff.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Intimacy, Multiple Personalities, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Therapy full of theories

  1. Lilly says:

    What defines you today? When I answered this question I used to say I was an adult survivor of child sexual abuse and rape victim. I had to choose to see myself more than what had happened, and then I was able to focus on what could happen through my getting therapy be it medicine, talk, acupuncture or etc. There are a whole lot of me running around and I don’t exactly know why comes out, but I don’t think I can in the long run. I am not sure who goes to therapy or even if anyone else does. I feel like the mother is predominant in my life today in the here and now. I can’t say. Some times I don’t have any clue if I am me at all because there are gaps throughout some of my day. I don’t understand it. Don’t lose hope. Maybe this is the end of this therapist and you can move onto someone else who may help you in your journey. I had to do this a few times and it has helped.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      We’ll see. I’m not prepared to move on to someone else. I’m thinking that if I can overcome my fear of speaking to her about my worries that we can figure out what I need or perhaps she can explain her own thought process and experiences with other clients.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    I wonder, what were you expecting from your therapist? Repercussions? Solutions? Absolution? I’m not trying to judge you, but rather try to understand what you were expecting. The incident with the doll has deeply shaken you, and you’re trying to make sense of it; but I don’t think there will be easy answers. You could relate it to the theories around how those of us who have been abused react; but even then, to understand why you did that action at that time, requires a process like your therapist started. We are each individuals, and we will each react to different situations in different ways. We will also do different actions for different reasons. So there is no easy answer, it is very much a “what was happening for you at the time?” “what were you feeling just before it happened?”

    As for not having all of the information, I don’t think anyone ever does. All we can do is our best in the moment, and work it through.

    Any intimacy is based on the participants being open and honest… it’s ok to say what feels comfortable, and what doesn’t. That’s part of healing… saying what your boundaries are at the moment. Those boundaries can change over time.

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Good questions all CG. I think maybe I was expecting answers, maybe solutions? I don’t know. The way I work is, I get information, I process it for a while and then I develop a solution. I think I believed that therapists would also be able to do that ie: I give her information, she processes and then gives me solutions. Your questions are good because I have to reassess my expectations and consider that maybe therapy doesn’t work like that. Maybe too I was thinking that abuse victims fit into neat ilttle categories of known behaviors etc and that my therapist should be able to say, “Oh! You did that because of this…” in whatever situation I bring up. It seems like I might need to reevaluate how I see things. Maybe I’ll talk to her about it.

      You’re right, the doll thing was not cool and I wanted answers because it bothered me. I’m glad you said what you did. I don’t like the feeling of losing confidence in someone I’ve built such a huge theraputic relationship with.

  3. meredith says:

    You know, tai, I’ve been following the the discourse about having some part of your head moved by a partner during sex. This was considered a very sexy thing to do in film, and every everyone from Rhett Butler to super heroes is known for doing it at least once when they want to command the attention of their love interest. I think it’s about the “command” deal. I hate it, I’ve had various friends talk about how much they hate it… and that the “face holder” always seems to think it’s a powerful, romantic, sexually charged gesture.

    (cough, cough… POW!)

    Honestly, I don’t think the recoil is necessarily related to trauma… for me, it’s about how dumb the gesture is… how lame… because I often want to say, “did you know that women don’t find this remotely romantic or sexually charge-filled?”

    Seriously, I take my hand and redirect the hand that offends. It’s the least offensive way I know of to say, “okay. no,” because sometimes… I’ve had to keep my composure so I don’t laugh. Top, dumbest romantic gesture in my book, for sure.

    (more coughing… finger-gagging motion… a giggle… thinking how stupid ‘sex moves learned from film and literature’ seem).

    just my babble for the day.


    • CimmerianInk says:

      lol Yes, in the movies it is a silly thing to do. Of course I have issues with Rhett Butler anyway with the whole picking up Scarlett and carrying her up the stairs while she struggles and then the next morning she’s all happy. Yuck, gag etc. 😀

      • meredith says:

        Whenever someone tried that move with me… I alternated between wanting to extend my own power move to the jaw… and wanting to laugh… depending on the situation, I suppose, but I wonder if anyone in real life gets turned on by that gesture.

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