Where to start….?

I was trying to decide if I wanted to talk about my session or about these dreams I keep having. I’ll go with the dremas first because they’re bothering me and I’ll write a seperate post about therapy.

Last week I had two dreams on two seperate nights. In both dreams I was walking along doing whatever I was doing when I heard a child crying. In the first dream, I ignored it at first, thinking that it was just some kid crying about something unimportant, kind of like you do at the grocery store because kids cry all the time for little reasons. Quite quickly though, in the dream, I got a bad feeling that the child was crying because something was wrong. They kpet crying constantly for a long time and I wondered why no one was helping them. I couldn’t see the child; I didn’t know where they were. I could just hear them. Now, writing this a week later the details are fuzzy here. I have always been able to remember my dreams since I was little so I can get the gist of it still. I found the child, I think it was a girl. All I know is that I knew that someone was hurting her, abusing her. It wasn’t clear whether it was physical or sexual abuse though. I didn’t see an adult around but I knew that’s what had happened. I think the dream changed to something else after that or I woke up.

Anyway, a night soon after that I had another dream. I heard a child crying and this time I didn’t ignore it and I knew right away that someone was hurting that child. I also know that it was a different child from the last dream. In this case I knew that the child was being sexually abused and I could hear them crying while it happened. I think I found the child but I also think I woke up. It was disturbing because I knew that I was hearing what was happening but the dream was goofy and I couldn’t stop it. It was like I could hear the constant crying but I couldn’t figure out what adults were doing what to the child and what they were doing was hidden from eyes.

Last night I had another dream. A different child again. In fact this one was a baby. I remember that she was a girl. Again I heard crying and again I knew that something terrible was happening to her. I ran really fast to try and find her and I did. There were at least two adults around and one was an older woman who reminded me of a grandmother. The child was there and it freaked me out because whatever was being done to her was still happening while I stood there but I couldn’t see anything. They kept it right out of my line of sight so all I could see was her face. It’s like knowing that someone is doing something with their hands under a tabel with tablecloth. You know they’re fooling around but you can’t see exactly what they’re doing.

When I woke up this morning I was really tired of dreaming about these different children. Hearing them cry continuously and not being able to see what was happening or stop it drove me crazy. I felt helpless and surrounded by dirt.

Now, I’m scared of going to sleep because I don’t want to dream about them again.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Molestation, Dreams, Incest, Sexual Abuse and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Where to start….?

  1. I hear that you’re scared by these dreams, but my reading of them is that they are actually positive (to the point I’m getting happy tingles about the journey you’re taking yourself on). The child in distress is you, and each time you are getting closer to discovering them and being able to help them. It *is* hard, and awful to be doing this, but it’s your own journey and your brain is protecting you on it; eg, kicking a trip switch when it gets too much. And whilst it’s hard, and you are right to honour how scared it’s making you, perhaps *try* to not be so scared? I’d even be saying at some point down the road you could hope to start healing yourself through conscious dreaming in them (it sounds really remote, but planning to dream about it including things you can do in the dream to help the child/baby/whoever is you at that point that needs the help). would be worth discussing the dreams and your response to them with your therapist, of course. Good luck!

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi urbanwarrior,

      That’s an interesting way to look at it. It’s really hard for me to understand these dreams, even though as I wrote the post I considered your idea that the children are me. I even wondered if they were alters in some way.

      Usually I’m very good at understanding my dreams. I tend to dream about whatever is on my mind or if not that I can figure out why certain people are there etc. In this case I didn’t want to read too much into it but they bothered me so much I couldn’t shake it.

      I developed a technique to wake myself up when I was a child because I had deep nightmares all the time. But, I’ve only been able to use it when the me in my drema sfeels like they’re in mortal danger or something too terrifying is about to happen. I don’t know how to apply that to the children.

      I will talk to my therapist about it though.

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    Au contraire, Tai. These dreams sound like wonderful revelations of your progress. Try to go to sleep looking forward to more messages from your subconscious.

    My T says that we represent every part of our dreams. Like you would be the crying child, and yourself, the adult. Plus she says that you (+ me when it’s my dream) are also the other people. Something to ponder over.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      It seems like you and urbanwarrior are on the same track Freasha. 🙂

      I think it’s the unending crying I hear that gets to me the most. That and knowing that something disgusting is happening right in front of me but not being able to see what the adult (s) are doing or being able to stop it.
      I’m sure my therapist will have something to say about it.

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    These dreams sound scary and potentially hopeful. It’s scary and awful to have that knowledge that someone is being hurt, and you can’t reach them to help or stop it… a huge sense of helplessness…

    But then, depending on how you interpret the dream, it could be a step closer to you identifying with those hurt parts of yourself.

    I hope you talk about it with your therapist, and can work it through.

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Yes, I’ll talk to her about it.
      It’s hard because with dreams, I don’t want to read too much into them or too little since so much flotsam and jetsam can be picked up by our minds and come out in our subconcious. We’ll see what she says.

  4. Pingback: This Week in Mentalists – The What’s the Future of TNIM Going To Be Then, Eh? Edition « This Week in Mentalists

  5. meredith says:

    I wonder if you really need to know the meaning of the dream to respond to it. One common thread to everything you wrote of is that your head is on a pillow during this experience. Well, if you have a specific pillow you sleep on, maybe putting comfort into your pillow can give both your conscious and subconscious mind the reminder that gentle thoughts are tending you, wholely, right now.

    Maybe it’s buying a silk pillowcase… or a new pillow… or writing a note to yourself that you’re safe and loved, then putting it in your pillowcase.

    This probably sounds silly, but when I found myself on my own, I bought beautiful sheets, soft pillows, and my bed smelled like the grown woman I most loved being because I always cleaned up before bed, at night, and I liked having a clean, fragrant smell for my sheets to absorb.

    so. that’s what came to mind when I read this. Dreams seemed like flashbacks for a long time, so I tried to find ways to have concrete assurance that ‘here and now’ was safe. It helped me feel less powerless.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      It doesn’t sound silly at all. I think it’s great that you did something so special for yourself. I also like having comforting things around me in my personal space. I use lavender dryer sheets to make everything smell good lol.

      I went over the dreams with my therapist and I’ll write a post about it.

  6. Pingback: Good therapy session which leads to intimidating path Part 1 | Living With Bipolar Disorder, DID and Childhood Abuse

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s