I’ve noticed that since I had those three dreams about the crying children, there has been more trickling in of emotions or thoughts than before. Kind of like the disconnect is lessening a bit at a time. But, this has also caused confusion and questioning from me.
I’m questioning several things at the same moment whenever I feel something or think something related to abuse. If I feel something, I question: “Why are you feeling this way? Is this feeling even real or are you looking for something to complain about or be sad about?” If I have any images about my uncle come up, I question: “Are you just trying to dig something up or did this come on its own?” When I feel these things I also think: “Why were your alters so ready to come forward when you talked about your mother but when it comes to this no one has come out during therapy?” Then I begin to think that what happened to me must not have been that bad if no one is talking. I think about how other people in this community have more memories about what took place and when, and I think: “I don’t have that. What happened to them is so much worse than anything could’ve happened to me.”
I question every feeling and every thought I have as to its motive. Why are you here? Where did you come from? Is this just a gambit to get attention? How can I trust you? How do I know that these feelings are real and not a ploy? How do I know that I’m not just looking for a reason to feel bad?
I’m not talking about memories, just thoughts and feelings. It’s really tiring to question everything and analyze it trying to see if you’re just being pathetic. It also blocks me from looking into the feelings any further. If I can’t trust them, then there’s no reason to investigate it because it would all be questionable.