Questioning every feeling


I’ve noticed that since I had those three dreams about the crying children, there has been more trickling in of emotions or thoughts than before. Kind of like the disconnect is lessening a bit at a time. But, this has also caused confusion and questioning from me.

I’m questioning several things at the same moment whenever I feel something or think something related to abuse. If I feel something, I question: “Why are you feeling this way? Is this feeling even real or are you looking for something to complain about or be sad about?” If I have any images about my uncle come up, I question: “Are you just trying to dig something up or did this come on its own?” When I feel these things I also think: “Why were your alters so ready to come forward when you talked about your mother but when it comes to this no one has come out during therapy?” Then I begin to think that what happened to me must not have been that bad if no one is talking. I think about how other people in this community have more memories about what took place and when, and I think: “I don’t have that. What happened to them is so much worse than anything could’ve happened to me.”

I question every feeling and every thought I have as to its motive. Why are you here? Where did you come from? Is this just a gambit to get attention? How can I trust you? How do I know that these feelings are real and not a ploy? How do I know that I’m not just looking for a reason to feel bad?

I’m not talking about memories, just thoughts and feelings. It’s really tiring to question everything and analyze it trying to see if you’re just being pathetic. It also blocks me from looking into the feelings any further. If I can’t trust them, then there’s no reason to investigate it because it would all be questionable.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Alters, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Questioning every feeling

  1. meredith says:

    Absolutely. Some times I just want yell,
    “STFU! It’s not necessary to know so much about myself, gang. Seriously, people, you’re driving me farther toward the edge, not away from it. Stop wondering! Once again, STFU!”

    Apparently, that’s my little rant for the day… I completely get where you’re coming from. 🙂

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I think it would be easier if I knew whether to question or not. If I could be sure that I’m not just looking for reasons to be sad. Not being sure makes me questions the why’s of everything.

      Feel free to rant whenever you like. 😀

      • meredith says:

        Just means I forgot to hit the notify box when I left the first comment, but want to be notified.

        Seriously, I understand what you mean about questioning motive, wondering about attention-getting… all of that. I think it’s part of going through therapy because you’re suddenly ejected into an environment of challenging old beliefs rather than denying them… and the brain goes wild! It also adds memories of crap adults said like, “you’re just doing this for attention!” and that has a lot of punch when hearing the echoes of things said, long ago.

        It’s a good way to clean out your attic, ultimately, but the first 90,000 days… oi.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        “the first 90,000 days” made me laugh. 🙂

        The attention-seeking thing is a hard one. I was never an attention-seeker as a child as if I made a squeak of any kind of pain or discomfort I was hit or yelled at for being weak. It’s probably one of the reasons I minimize stuff like feelings etc.

        Cleaning out the attic sounds like fun… 😛

  2. meredith says:

    notify

  3. Pandora says:

    Before you even said it in the post, I was thinking that your mind seems to be trying to dig something up. I really have no advice on the issue, but that is what it sounds like. I get what you mean – it’s so tiring having to deal with this kind of crap, and I’m sorry you’re going through it 😦

    Also sorry I haven’t commented much recently – it’s because my masculine-wired brain thinks it needs to solve things and I just have no answers 😦 But I wanted you to know that I’m still reading and thinking about you at least.

    Take care, and safe hugs

    Pan x

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I laugh in the face of the idea that men are the fixers. I’m like you, and I have a very hard time reading someone’s post and not trying to fix it. I get that completely and never apologize for not commenting. 🙂 There are many times that I read something and I just don’t know what to say or what I could say feels inadequate.

      Thanks for being here whether you say anything or not. *hug*

  4. alice says:

    i really feel for u having to deal with this, i know its no use but ur in my thoughts now and when ur mind decides ur ready for whatever its digging up. It sounds like ur making progress if ur ready for more, sort of an upside i hope?
    Take care,
    Alice x

  5. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    Based on what I’ve written in my blog, how do you think that I’ve experienced “worse” abuse than you?

    Even if you attempted to answer that question, that doesn’t validate either of our feelings or experiences. Comparisons are never fair to anyone, all they seem to do is invalidate, or minimise your own experiences. Please don’t be doing that…

    Access to experiences around your mother makes sense, they were pervasive and open in many ways. But there is a different level of emotion attached to what happened with your uncle. It was hidden, and the feelings are different. I experience something similar, in that I can feel angry towards my mother, because it’s safer to access that anger. But I can’t access emotions associated with my father, because they are too overwhelming. That might be happening for you, or it might not… just something that I’ve noticed for me.

    Please go gently, no matter how much you want answers, it can be like chasing the wind.

    Take care,
    CG

    • meredith says:

      wicked.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Was that wicked as in good?

      • meredith says:

        No. It’s like, “wicked, ladies. truly, wickedly hot topic issue.” Seems like you each heard something different than the other person was saying. Don’t get stuck there for too long or you’ll pull away from one another.

        It’s a slam-dunk for all of us, and I’ll bet we all meet up at the end of time at the juncture of our roads, because it’s just a bitch, all the way around, and the tensions slip and slide every which way.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Gotcha 🙂 I can agree that it all sucks all around.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I had to rewrite this because I hit a button and lost all the stuff I typed…anyway…

      If I’m honest, yes I do feel like people like you and meredith went through way worse stuff than me. I feel like the reason you guys remember more is because it was a huge deal. On the other hand, I feel that the reason I don’t know more is because it couldn’t have been that bad. It seems like if it had been anything big, it would’ve made more of an impact on me and I’d know it.

      I get what you’re saying about my mom versus my uncle. It’d different too because I was around 6 or so when she really started on me, and I lived like that until I moved out. It’s easier in that way to access. Sexual stuff is different. I just don’t see why I can’t make this work like it did with my mother issues and therefore I don’t know how to take any feelings and thoughts that I have about it. The thought that I’m just looking for something to whine about is ever present with every thought and feeling about him and what happened.

      It’s not so much about the comparing as it is about the conclusions I draw from what I read from other people. You know locations and who etc. So does meredith. Then I look at me and go, “See? What’ve you got?” Then I think, “Well then, maybe all your feelings and images are just ways to drum up drama for yourself.” I don’t know how to not feel that way and I don’t want to be a whiner looking for attention. Wow, I just got sad for some reason so I’m going to take a break.

      • castorgirl says:

        Tb,

        Have another look at my blog, I don’t talk about the abuse much at all. Partly because I don’t think it’s necessary for others to know my business, and partly because of the doubts you talk about here. Everyone has those doubts. Someone who was abused last week will possibly ask themselves what they did to encourage the abuse, whether it really happened, whether it was really “that” bad… That is part of what society does to us, it pushes blame and questions onto the victim; rather than the abuser.

        Last night I watched a movie which was about a teenager who seduced their teacher (yeah, I know it was not a good choice of movies); and I immediately wondered how much I seduced the people who hurt me. Minimising, and normalising, are ways in which we try and cope with what happened, but it isn’t fair to anyone… it’s not a competition to see who got hurt the most/least… it’s about healing, growing and learning to cope with what we are currently experiencing.

        You are a special person who was hurt by people who should have protected you. You deserve to be healthy and happy. You didn’t deserve what happened in the past, nor what is happening to you now.

        I’m glad you felt sad… you need to feel sad for those hurts… don’t inflict more pain by minimising what happened.

        Take care,
        CG

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Thanks CG. I almost wrote that it’s not a competition myself, so I’m glad you said it because that’s the furthest thing from my mind.

        I’ve done that whole ‘Watching a movie or T.V. program that probably wasn’t the best idea thing’ before so I know what you mean. I’ll say what my therapist says, which is that a kid could run around naked and do whatever and that still doesn’t make it ok for an adult to do anything to them.

        You’re special too and you deserve the same things that you say I do. How about we agree to wish that for the other person? 😀

        Uh oh, feeling the mushies coming on…wrapping it up lol

  6. dealkeili says:

    My boyfriend has d.i.d. And often has similar questions as to why his alters will come out for some things and not for others. It’s really hard for him to grapple with his emotions and dreams and where they come from. You are not alone.

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