It’s kind of amazing how my last session restored my faith in my therapist.
I’ve written about my frustration with her answers or what I felt were a lack of answers. I was doubting the process and doubting whether she could really help me the way I need. CG was great because she questioned what I had been expecting from my therapist and it helped for me to consider that maybe my expectations were a bit unrealistic for what we’re talking about.
I’m not sure how to properly describe my session because the way my therapist broke things down came together in a really solid way at the end. It was like building on logic and breaking down each element of what I brought up until it formed a cohesive picture or conclusion.
We started with the 3 dreams I had about the crying children. My therapist took the route that Freasha mentioned where I am different people in my dream. We started with the me that was the observer. I always know when I’m dreaming (unless it’s night terrors) so it was pretty easy for me to get into that role. She asked me about what I as the observer felt and thought about what I saw. We broke down the elements of what I saw and felt in the dream. I told her that the crying was really disturbing once I paid attention to it in the first dream. I told her that in each dream, I as the observer knew without a doubt that the child I heard was being sexually abused when I heard them crying. There were several elements to being the observer: hearing the crying, finding other adults milling around the area and ignoring the child, the child who had the perpetrators near them and continued to cry and the end of each dream being that I was unable to see what was being done to the child which brought on a strong feeling of frustration.
I told my therapist that I didn’t want to read into the dreams too much or too little and I asked her how we know what to do in these situations. I appreciated her answer. She said we have to look at what feels true and reasonable for me personally. For example, going back to the essential elements of the dreams. We talked Observer Me, also me being the crowd of adults who are ignoring the child even though they were in the same room, and me being the crying child. She repeated something I said which was that Observer Me knew without a doubt that the child was being sexually abused. The Observer also experienced intense frustration at not being able to see what was being done and therefore could not make it stop. She asked me, “Does this ring true for you and how you feel?” Obviously the answer was yes because my frustration at not knowing the exact details of what was done to me makes me mad and stops me from making the progress I’d like to make. When we looked at the group of adults that were around but ignoring the child I told her that there wasn’t any malice in these adults, they just ignored the child despite being right there. She asked me, “Does this feel true for you?” There were two ways to look at the crowd for me: 1) I feel that there were adults around who ignored what was going on. 2) I am also the crowd because I refuse to hear the child crying and I ignore what’s happening. She agreed with my assessment so I was able to answer yes to that part. The last part was the child and I found that to be the hardest role to get into. She asked me about the crying; what did it mean. I told her that I had to go back to the Observer to answer that question because the Observer correctly interpreted what the cries meant. I told her that they were cries of fear and pain and wanting someone to help. She asked me if that felt true. It was harder to answer that which I told her, because that means that I have to accept that things were that bad. I told her that Observer Me found the sound of the cries particularly disturbing because there was pain. I found I couldn’t look to closely at that because…I just couldn’t. As for whether that felt true, it did if I suspended disbelief for a moment.
I found the breakdown of the dream t be very helpful in putting things in context and the conclusions drawn felt logical: I as the Observer know the truth about what happened but I’m frustrated that I don’t know the exact details of every act. I as the crowd ignore the cries of the child because to face the other possibility would be too hard. I as the child am crying out for help among other things but no one is coming.
I’ll continue in the next post.