Good therapy session which leads to intimidating path Part 1

It’s kind of amazing how my last session restored my faith in my therapist.

I’ve written about my frustration with her answers or what I felt were a lack of answers. I was doubting the process and doubting whether she could really help me the way I need. CG was great because she questioned what I had been expecting from my therapist and it helped for me to consider that maybe my expectations were a bit unrealistic for what we’re talking about.

I’m not sure how to properly describe my session because the way my therapist broke things down came together in a really solid way at the end. It was like building on logic and breaking down each element of what I brought up until it formed a cohesive picture or conclusion.

We started with the 3 dreams I had about the crying children. My therapist took the route that Freasha mentioned where I am different people in my dream. We started with the me that was the observer. I always know when I’m dreaming (unless it’s night terrors) so it was pretty easy for me to get into that role. She asked me about what I as the observer felt and thought about what I saw. We broke down the elements of what I saw and felt in the dream. I told her that the crying was really disturbing once I paid attention to it in the first dream. I told her that in each dream, I as the observer knew without a doubt that the child I heard was being sexually abused when I heard them crying. There were several elements to being the observer: hearing the crying, finding other adults milling around the area and ignoring the child, the child who had the perpetrators near them and continued to cry and the end of each dream being that I was unable to see what was being done to the child which brought on a strong feeling of frustration.

I told my therapist that I didn’t want to read into the dreams too much or too little and I asked her how we know what to do in these situations. I appreciated her answer. She said we have to look at what feels true and reasonable for me personally. For example, going back to the essential elements of the dreams. We talked Observer Me, also me being the crowd of adults who are ignoring the child even though they were in the same room, and me being the crying child. She repeated something I said which was that Observer Me knew without a doubt that the child was being sexually abused. The Observer also experienced intense frustration at not being able to see what was being done and therefore could not make it stop. She asked me, “Does this ring true for you and how you feel?” Obviously the answer was yes because my frustration at not knowing the exact details of what was done to me makes me mad and stops me from making the progress I’d like to make. When we looked at the group of adults that were around but ignoring the child I told her that there wasn’t any malice in these adults, they just ignored the child despite being right there. She asked me, “Does this feel true for you?” There were two ways to look at the crowd for me: 1) I feel that there were adults around who ignored what was going on. 2) I am also the crowd because I refuse to hear the child crying and I ignore what’s happening. She agreed with my assessment so I was able to answer yes to that part. The last part was the child and I found that to be the hardest role to get into. She asked me about the crying; what did it mean. I told her that I had to go back to the Observer to answer that question because the Observer correctly interpreted what the cries meant. I told her that they were cries of fear and pain and wanting someone to help. She asked me if that felt true. It was harder to answer that which I told her, because that means that I have to accept that things were that bad. I told her that Observer Me found the sound of the cries particularly disturbing because there was pain. I found I couldn’t look to closely at that because…I just couldn’t. As for whether that felt true, it did if I suspended disbelief for a moment.

I found the breakdown of the dream t be very helpful in putting things in context and the conclusions drawn felt logical: I as the Observer know the truth about what happened but I’m frustrated that I don’t know the exact details of every act. I as the crowd ignore the cries of the child because to face the other possibility would be too hard. I as the child am crying out for help among other things but no one is coming.

I’ll continue in the next post.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, Dreams, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Good therapy session which leads to intimidating path Part 1

  1. meredith says:

    You did a great job posting this, tai; it’s taken me some time to read both this post and the follow-up because I have a similar deal that goes on with me. I’m glad you talked about your experience in an overall way and how described your therapy session. This was very helpful for me.

    One of my frustrations is that I have periodic cycles of hearing screaming/ crying. While my therapist and I worked our way back to an overall understanding, I’m never able to break through the last wall–even if it’s paper–because I can’t calm down enough to sit with it.

    Sometimes, I wonder if the cycles will stop if I break through the last paper wall, but another part of me says, “just don’t go there. you already know what it’s about.” It’s probably fear that’s discouraging me, but I’ve also gone through the dictionary of me so many times I do know… I just can’t connect the words to the experience.

    So, thanks for writing this. It’s so great to read your discussions of therapy and mental processing because it brings context to things that I sometimes feel as though are mine, and mine alone, to deal with.

    Thanks for being so candid, and so informative. It’s really hard to deal with, sometimes, isn’t it?


    • CimmerianInk says:

      Thanks meredith.

      I’m really glad that you found it helpful. I was surprised because I always think that you’re the sage, wise woman, so anything I say will be on a freshman level versus the much cooler senior. 😉

      This was the first time that I wish I had a recording of the session so that I could listen to it again. Things clicked so well that I’m still having trouble evening beginning to process any of it, if that makes any sense.

      I’m sure fear is a big factor in being able to push through walls. And I really need to learn more about sitting with things. It is hard to deal with, even when I’m not really dealing with it but waiting to deal with it.

      I find it interesting that you hear crying/screaming sometimes as well. Do you hear children or is it someone else? I’m just curious as this was new for me.

      • meredith says:

        I have this thing… part of me… and I’ve always known of it as ‘Pocket of Screams.’ At first, I thought the screams were something I heard… which is true. I thought, though, the screams belonged to other people… not so much. The screaming is mine. Having said that, I also realized that I don’t have it, anymore, that I know of.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Oh wow. I can imagine with everything you went through and everything you saw that there would a part of you that screams. I’m glad you don’t experience it anymore though.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    This is great work! To bring it down into those different roles must have been difficult – I could feel the resistance within myself at doing something similar when I was reading this; yet also following it through, and realising some of my own reactions to such dreams/scenarios.

    Kudos my friend… tough work, but brilliant!

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      It was great work. I don’t know how much a part I played in it, but my therapist really did an amazing job.

      It seems like it resonated with you? So that’s good.

      • castorgirl says:

        Ummm, so like you weren’t involved in the therapy session at all? You didn’t tell her about the dreams, reflect on how it would feel to be in each of those roles, and feed that back to her? You didn’t work all of that through with her guidance? Therapists can’t do all of that work themselves; you were right there, doing the difficult work… Give yourself some credit 🙂

        Take care,

      • CimmerianInk says:

        LOL Touche’ CG 😀

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