Therapy session, intimidating path continued Part 2


(Continued from previous post)

I told her that after the dreams, my feelings started flowing more normally again and I started seeing images of my uncle and having random thoughts that inspired fear and sadness. I told her that my immediate reaction was to question whether I was being a drama queen and trying to make myself sad for some psycho reason.

She stuck with the, ‘Does that feel true for you’ line of reasoning and I said that I wasn’t the person to answer that question since if I’m being a drama queen I wouldn’t admit to it.

She took that challenge and decided to look at it through the eyes of people who know me and also by looking at my behavior. We went over what drama queens do and I told her that I’m thinking that I’m not being one in the typical manner. I don’t stir up confrontation or conflict or have hissy fits or whatever to get attention. I know that. My thought was that I was doing it for myself, to have a reason to feel bad inside myself. I told her that maybe I was more comfortable being sad and therefore I was making things up to have a reason to feel sorry for myself.

My therapist told me that there are people like that. I appreciated her being honest and saying that it does happen. She said that people who dwell on sad things aren’t bad people. It may be that that’s the way they get in touch with their sadness and process it and move through it etc. I asked her what people like that do to “dwell on sadness” and she laughed and said that people who do it, know what they do, and the fact that I had to ask told her that I wasn’t doing it. She emphasized again though that they’re not bad people, it’s just their way.

She asked me about the people who know about the abuse. There’s her obviously, my husband and of course you guys. I told her that I have one friend who knows I’m in therapy for abuse but she has zero details because I don’t want to talk about it. She repeated, “You don’t want to talk about it.” Then she asked me why my husband knows about it. I joked that she made me tell him. She smiled and said that she had talked to me about the fact that not telling him was hurting him and that it was necessary to tell him some things. She said that’s when I told him, otherwise I wouldn’t have said anything. Her next point was that I always come to therapy with a purpose; the purpose being the end. She laughed and said that my eyes are always on the goal of getting out of therapy. She told me that she knows me, and I’m not in therapy for the process, I want the end result.

 She said that even my blogging has a purpose. She asked me if the people who know me: my fellow bloggers, my husband, or her would say that I’m a drama queen if asked? I said no. She thought I needed to pay attention to what people who know me think.

So summary: I don’t seek attention and I don’t dwell on sad things to make myself upset. I don’t go to therapy for the fun of it and people who I’ve been the most honest with wouldn’t describe me as a drama queen.

I’m not describing the process of this conversation very well because as it was happening, her logic was clicking on many levels. I found myself unable to argue with her and that was weird because I argue all the time. I had no response. I became uncomfortable and I said that the problem was that if I’m not being a drama queen, that means that I have to put stock in what I see and how I feel. I told her that the fact that no alters had presented while we’ve been discussing this made me question the seriousness of what had taken place. She looked at me like I was crazy and said that it was also possible that my alters were scared to death and in no hurry to speak up about anything. She said that what happened was bad enough that I had to create other people to hold it. She also went back to the dreams and said that we could also theorize that the alters were manifesting there as well.

She said that the constant questioning of me being a drama queen and making things up came from my mother. That is true as I was constantly told that I was being overly sensitive about everything she did to me. My therapist said that I had taken my mother’s words and made them mine but they’re not true.

That left me uncomfortable again and I remember sitting there with a smile on my face saying that if I accepted her logic, which was hard for me to refute, I would have to accept that things were that bad. I was still smiling when I said that that possibility was terrifying. I think I smiled the rest of the time as we discussed changing up my appointment times etc.

So, the session was good. My therapist used logic and reasoning and the whole time she kept bringing it back to what felt right and true for me. It wasn’t about her opinion or feelings. She kept asking me what I thought and how I felt. What conclusions fit my own feelings and intuition and logic.

The intimidating part is what to do now? Like I said, I was speechless afterwards and had no argument. I still don’t. I put it to the side when I left for home and told myself that I don’t have to process everything right now. I’m letting it sit while trying to keep my mind open at the same time.

Advertisements

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Alters, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Therapy session, intimidating path continued Part 2

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Fascinating! I do so love your reports on your therapy sessions. This was an especially riveting one.
    Good idea; just sit with your feelings. No need to do anything else.
    I am proud of you, Tai, this looks like progress to me.

    By the way, on another topic that you were blogging about earlier; do you feel better now that it has come out that the grad student who saw the shower abuse did intervene and stop it? He then reported it to the coach, but he fell down in not reporting it to the police. Or so I assume at this point in time.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      The story I saw today about the assistant guy had two different reports. At first it looked like he stopped it but then I read another story that said he didn’t physically intervene but instead spoke to police. I’m not sure what’s true and I don’t knw if we’ll ever know since people are too busy trying to protect thier own asses.

      Thanks for the positive thoughts 🙂

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Let me add a quote I just saw in a news article:

      In the Nov. 8 email to a former classmate, McQueary said, “I did stop it, not physically, but made sure it was stopped when I left that locker room,” The Morning Call reported.

      I’m not sure what he means by not stopping it physically but making sure that it was stopped when he left. Does that mean he yelled and it stopped? What happened? You see what I mean?

      • Freasha1964 says:

        I caught the tail end of a section on this on PBS Newshour tonight. I think it was an attorney for this person who witnessed it. He was saying that he did not actually start a fist fight or a physical fight to stop it, but he did stop it. That makes sense to me. When I came upon that assault that time, I yelled “stop!” and he fled before I even got to the spot. I imagine the mere presence of a concerned and prepared-to-act adult would be enough to make a coward who picks on children flee, or at least stop. And tonight the lawyer -or whoever this guy was -said that he ALSO did report it to the campus police afterwards. Hmmm, I think more heads are going to roll and this time in the campus police department.

        I wonder if you are having some feelings about having someone actually intervene on behalf of the child when no one did this for you? Myself, I would feel glad that this happened but sad that it didn’t happen for me.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Ah, I see. So he stopped it simply by being there and didn’t have to physically intervene. I wonder what did he do with the boy afterwards? They obviously didn’t go to the hospital.

        I think my feeling on this are ones of bitterness and anger. People are still covering things up and that’s all I see. As far as I’m concerned that man didn’t do enough to make sure the proper steps were taken. My therapist and I briefly touched on this in therapy and she said that people still don’t know what to do when they see sexual abuse happen. I told her that back wen I was abused, there was zero information out there on how to handle it, so I’m sure it stayed quiet and in the family. I wasn’t excusing it but at least I get why the adults back then were idiots (even my grandmother yes). But today? I expected better and it’s still not true.

        And I still have to wonder exactly how far did Sandusky get before the other guy showed up? What does “stopping” it mean? Damage was done eith way but how much damage had been done when he walked in on the coach? Did the boy get medical help? Counseling? I’m sure not. Sorry, it makes me angry.

      • Freasha1964 says:

        You have every right to be angry, Tai. And PLEASE don’t be sorry you feel that way. The adult in this situation did not do enough. The child, who must be in his 20s now, probably has been dealing with the trauma ever since, and will continue to. All because of one pedophile and a culture of silence.

        Here we are in the age of technology where every month you can get a new amazing gadget, and yet we have so far to go in our spiritual evolution. In the mean time, there is great suffering.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Did you see that now two police depts. are saying he never reported it. Obviously someone is lying and it’s a shame that the victims are shuffled to the side while they cover up and deflect.

        You’re right, we haven’t come that far huh? I’m glad that there’s discussion about this going on though.

      • Freasha1964 says:

        No, I didn’t see that. But…what else is new?

  2. alice says:

    wow, that sounds like a really good session. Its good that u can just sit with ur feelings to process it.
    I hope ur feeling better about things, take care.
    Alice x

  3. Pingback: Trying to sense when processing wants to begin | Living With Bipolar Disorder, DID and Childhood Abuse

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    Reading this made me think of something that Allison often says to me when I say I’m an attention seeker, or a liar… she asks “Who told you that?” It’s her way of trying to confront how I’ve come to believe my own bad press. But I like the logical arguments of your therapist better 🙂 Iz like logik 🙂 It’s difficult to refute when someone breaks down the questions we have, or the truth we question, down into smaller chunks to work through. These questions are also a really great way to do, what is basically, running from the past and what happened… if we can call ourselves liars and attention seekers, then we don’t have to look at the past… we don’t have to look at what happened. It’s scary to think that we might have to stop, turn and look… and feel. So, it’s no wonder that there were no alters around…

    It sounds like an amazing session…

    For the record – I don’t think your an attention seeker, and I don’t think that you would maliciously lie.

    Take care,
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      (logik lol)

      I think my therapist has told me that other SA victims have the same mindset so I guess it must be a message we heard a lot growing up.

      And yes, the scary part is to stop running and turn around and look. *shiver*

      And thanks for saying that I’m not an attention seeker. I appreciate it. You know I feel the same way about you. 🙂

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hmmm…just thought of a question from your last sentence: is there a difference between “maliciously” lying and regular lying? Huh, that question sounds kind of funny.

      • castorgirl says:

        It’s not a funny question at all. I re-read my comment and thought it sounded odd too 🙂 What I mean, is that everyone lies in ways to help them through this world – I say “I’m fine”, when I’m anything but; and so on… So what I was meaning, is that you would never set out to deceive anyone through lies. It’s the intent behind the lie that is the issue – there’s a difference between getting confused about something (which we all do), and some people that will lie with the intent to injure or get attention – which I don’t think that you would do.

        Sorry, I still don’t think I explained that very well.

        Sorry,
        CG

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Don’t apologize, it’s exactly like me to pick up on something like that and apply it in the silliest way. 🙂

        I’ll give you an example that happened in therapy:

        I was talking to my therapist several weeks ago about not being able to look at myself in the mirror because of being disgusted by the sight of my face. She was trying to reason with me and eventually wanted me to try being thankful for something new about looks each day. At some point she said something about me not being deformed and I said that yes, I could be thankful for that and I started to thank her for giving me something to be grateful for. I remember her face as she was horrified to realize that I had taken her statement seriously and taken it to mean that the only thing good about my looks is that I’m not deformed.

        She was so flabbergasted and she said that was not was she meant and she didn’t mean for me to take that part seriously, she was just using it as an example. But in classic Me fashion, I still think that now: at least I’m not deformed. She’s so not happy with my clinging to that statement that she meant more as a joke.

        See? In other words, it wasn’t your words, it was me managing to read into things in the worst way possible lol

        But seriously, thank you for believing me. 🙂 *big hug*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s