(Continued from previous post)
I told her that after the dreams, my feelings started flowing more normally again and I started seeing images of my uncle and having random thoughts that inspired fear and sadness. I told her that my immediate reaction was to question whether I was being a drama queen and trying to make myself sad for some psycho reason.
She stuck with the, ‘Does that feel true for you’ line of reasoning and I said that I wasn’t the person to answer that question since if I’m being a drama queen I wouldn’t admit to it.
She took that challenge and decided to look at it through the eyes of people who know me and also by looking at my behavior. We went over what drama queens do and I told her that I’m thinking that I’m not being one in the typical manner. I don’t stir up confrontation or conflict or have hissy fits or whatever to get attention. I know that. My thought was that I was doing it for myself, to have a reason to feel bad inside myself. I told her that maybe I was more comfortable being sad and therefore I was making things up to have a reason to feel sorry for myself.
My therapist told me that there are people like that. I appreciated her being honest and saying that it does happen. She said that people who dwell on sad things aren’t bad people. It may be that that’s the way they get in touch with their sadness and process it and move through it etc. I asked her what people like that do to “dwell on sadness” and she laughed and said that people who do it, know what they do, and the fact that I had to ask told her that I wasn’t doing it. She emphasized again though that they’re not bad people, it’s just their way.
She asked me about the people who know about the abuse. There’s her obviously, my husband and of course you guys. I told her that I have one friend who knows I’m in therapy for abuse but she has zero details because I don’t want to talk about it. She repeated, “You don’t want to talk about it.” Then she asked me why my husband knows about it. I joked that she made me tell him. She smiled and said that she had talked to me about the fact that not telling him was hurting him and that it was necessary to tell him some things. She said that’s when I told him, otherwise I wouldn’t have said anything. Her next point was that I always come to therapy with a purpose; the purpose being the end. She laughed and said that my eyes are always on the goal of getting out of therapy. She told me that she knows me, and I’m not in therapy for the process, I want the end result.
She said that even my blogging has a purpose. She asked me if the people who know me: my fellow bloggers, my husband, or her would say that I’m a drama queen if asked? I said no. She thought I needed to pay attention to what people who know me think.
So summary: I don’t seek attention and I don’t dwell on sad things to make myself upset. I don’t go to therapy for the fun of it and people who I’ve been the most honest with wouldn’t describe me as a drama queen.
I’m not describing the process of this conversation very well because as it was happening, her logic was clicking on many levels. I found myself unable to argue with her and that was weird because I argue all the time. I had no response. I became uncomfortable and I said that the problem was that if I’m not being a drama queen, that means that I have to put stock in what I see and how I feel. I told her that the fact that no alters had presented while we’ve been discussing this made me question the seriousness of what had taken place. She looked at me like I was crazy and said that it was also possible that my alters were scared to death and in no hurry to speak up about anything. She said that what happened was bad enough that I had to create other people to hold it. She also went back to the dreams and said that we could also theorize that the alters were manifesting there as well.
She said that the constant questioning of me being a drama queen and making things up came from my mother. That is true as I was constantly told that I was being overly sensitive about everything she did to me. My therapist said that I had taken my mother’s words and made them mine but they’re not true.
That left me uncomfortable again and I remember sitting there with a smile on my face saying that if I accepted her logic, which was hard for me to refute, I would have to accept that things were that bad. I was still smiling when I said that that possibility was terrifying. I think I smiled the rest of the time as we discussed changing up my appointment times etc.
So, the session was good. My therapist used logic and reasoning and the whole time she kept bringing it back to what felt right and true for me. It wasn’t about her opinion or feelings. She kept asking me what I thought and how I felt. What conclusions fit my own feelings and intuition and logic.
The intimidating part is what to do now? Like I said, I was speechless afterwards and had no argument. I still don’t. I put it to the side when I left for home and told myself that I don’t have to process everything right now. I’m letting it sit while trying to keep my mind open at the same time.