It’s lame not to be a computer sometimes. If I was a computer I could initiate the processing of information and let the program run and then see a results report. Not so in real life as a flesh and blood person.
I noticed today that I’ve been kind of wired and jumpy and when my husband tried to talk to me I was snappish and irritable. I immediately told him that it wasn’t him and he knew that. He wanted to help but there’s nothing he can do.
It seemed like after my therapy session, things were calm because they needed to be. There was a lot of information in that session and a lot to think about, so it was normal and I think healthy to just let it sit for a while. It was like putting all of that information and realization into a box and placing it on a shelf for later. Then yesterday I got this feeling like someone wanted to take the off the shelf and start looking through it. But, I didn’t know how to do that. There’s no list of steps or actions to take so, while I left myself open, I kind of fumbled too because of not having clear actions to take.
I was surprised at how difficult it was to speak in a normal way to my husband. It was like I couldn’t get words to come out right and my voice kept giving out, my actual vocal cords I mean. And I wasn’t talking to him about any of this. It was normal “How was your day?” stuff and just regular talking. I made an effort to listen to him and to talk to him because I had been so short-tempered and irritated and I was still fighting to hold it in.
I guess the point is that I don’t know how to start processing information and since I’m not a computer, it just sucks.