I should be asleep…ugh


I have no idea why I’m awake. I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor trying to follow my therapist advice to identify my feelings. I think I was sad and anxious? It feels like I’m trying to feel something but I can’t quite grasp it which is annoying. I keep telling myself, “It’s ok Self. I can take it. Show me what you’ve got!” and then kaput, nada, nothing, at least nothing substantial. Just wisps of feelings that are enough to be slightly upsetting but out of reach enough to not be understood or be able to be studied.

We even went out to eat tonight and I just felt sad and irritable, which was a shame. I wanted to be at home, even though it was my idea to go out. Home feels safe and I just want to stay there.

I had a dream about my grandmother last night which is still haunting me. She was there and we were talking and abruptly in the dream I realize (as I always do when I dream about her) that I’m not going to see her again. When I dream of her I always realize that she’s dead and that I’m dreaming and that when I wake up she’ll be gone. So in the dream I started talking really fast because I wanted to say things before I woke up. I told her how much I loved her and she smiled. It was hard to let go of that dream and it’s really odd now that my eyes watered just thinking about it. I didn’t get to say that to her before she died so I know it’s a regret but I also know that she knew it anyway which is why she smiled like that in my dream. It doesn’t help though when I wish that she was here when all of this stuff is going on, and I can’t talk about her to anyone because no one around here knew her. It’s just sad I guess. The other side of that dream was also something that has been going along with dreams about my grandmother for a while now. There’s always a warning for me to run, to get away because in the dream my mother is trying to make me stay with her. I always have to run in the dream and try to get to where I live now. Every time. And there’s so much fear there still which is just weird. In the dreams I never quite make it but I end up wandering around an airport or something trying to get on a flight that will get me out of there before she shows up.

This ended up being an odd post and I’m really tired, so I hope that I can sleep now.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to I should be asleep…ugh

  1. Alice says:

    it really sounds like your grandmother wanted to protect you, I hope youv’e got to sleep.
    Take care of yourself, hugs, Alice x

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    I’m really sorry, but I smiled at your description of telling yourself to “bring it” 🙂 I’ve tried doing similar things in the past, and had very similar results – although sometimes I’ve heard internal laughter, almost as if there’s some sort of mocking going on.

    I know that there is a difference between someone saying that they love you, and knowing it… but, I know that your grandmother knew you loved her. You are really open with showing your caring side to people who you trust, so she would have seen that love in all of your actions and words. I know it’s not the same as verbalising it, but it would have still been there… That’s also obvious in the part of the dream where there is the threat of having to go and live with your mother, there’s a protection and safety you feel when with your grandmother.

    Sending positive thoughts your way,
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      It is a funny image isn’t it? Telling your subconscious that? I have to smile thinking of it too.

      I also understand the internal mocking. It’s hard being fragmented.

      And yes I do believe that my grandmother knew that I loved her which is a comfort.

  3. justdifficult says:

    Hi,

    Just came across your blog, and saw this post, which I really identify with. Sleeplessness and the moods that cause it is infuriating because the moods aren’t always obvious – at least not to me because I tend to disassociate from them when they happen and often have a blinding insight into them days or even a week later.

    But I definitely think that sleep (lack of) is responsible for a lot of mood disorders. Although I’ve been very seriously depressed for weeks, I have found it helpful to take something that keeps me asleep – even though it doesn’t send me to sleep. That said, I’m unable to wake up before about 10am at the moment, but I am averaging about 6 hours a night which is an improvement on the average of 2 or 3 a night at best.

    Really good blog – honest and heartfelt!

    X Clarissa
    http://www.justidifficult.com

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Yea, sleep can be a huge problem when it comes to mental health. When the bipolar kicked in many years ago I went from being a person who could sleep with no problems, to being a person that has to take an antipsychotic so I can sleep and also not hallucinate. If I don’t sleep, I’m even crazier than usual. 🙂

      Thanks for coming by Clarissa.

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