I have no idea why I’m awake. I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor trying to follow my therapist advice to identify my feelings. I think I was sad and anxious? It feels like I’m trying to feel something but I can’t quite grasp it which is annoying. I keep telling myself, “It’s ok Self. I can take it. Show me what you’ve got!” and then kaput, nada, nothing, at least nothing substantial. Just wisps of feelings that are enough to be slightly upsetting but out of reach enough to not be understood or be able to be studied.
We even went out to eat tonight and I just felt sad and irritable, which was a shame. I wanted to be at home, even though it was my idea to go out. Home feels safe and I just want to stay there.
I had a dream about my grandmother last night which is still haunting me. She was there and we were talking and abruptly in the dream I realize (as I always do when I dream about her) that I’m not going to see her again. When I dream of her I always realize that she’s dead and that I’m dreaming and that when I wake up she’ll be gone. So in the dream I started talking really fast because I wanted to say things before I woke up. I told her how much I loved her and she smiled. It was hard to let go of that dream and it’s really odd now that my eyes watered just thinking about it. I didn’t get to say that to her before she died so I know it’s a regret but I also know that she knew it anyway which is why she smiled like that in my dream. It doesn’t help though when I wish that she was here when all of this stuff is going on, and I can’t talk about her to anyone because no one around here knew her. It’s just sad I guess. The other side of that dream was also something that has been going along with dreams about my grandmother for a while now. There’s always a warning for me to run, to get away because in the dream my mother is trying to make me stay with her. I always have to run in the dream and try to get to where I live now. Every time. And there’s so much fear there still which is just weird. In the dreams I never quite make it but I end up wandering around an airport or something trying to get on a flight that will get me out of there before she shows up.
This ended up being an odd post and I’m really tired, so I hope that I can sleep now.