Along with feelings come other things not as savory


I’m not going to get into what I’ve done but I will say that I’ve made myself ill with disgust and disappointment.

I shouldn’t be thinking of the things I’m thinking of and I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. I shouldn’t fantasize about my uncle, even if the fantasies are horrible. I’m obsessed with obscene thoughts and images and my body is reacting in an improper way.

Things that shouldn’t give me pleasure, do and I hate it. I don’t feel a real connection with the little girl I see in my mind. I don’t know what she’s thinking or feeling. All that matters is his pleasure and in my mind that’s what I’m waiting for. That’s what she’s waiting for.

The worse part is that I don’t know if what I fantasize about is based on fact. I know that my body reacts strongly and instantly to certain imagery and words but I still struggle with wondering if I’m just perverted.

Strangely enough, I’m not questioning things too much after my therapy session the other week. I still have no arguments for the logic my therapist presented but I can’t bring that over to this situation.

It just makes me sick and disgusted and full of self-loathing. I had stopped this behavior for a while but after the disconnect ended, it started up again. Adding my uncle into the mix just makes me ill. I’d rather believe that this is because of factual things that happened to me, instead of thinking that I like imagining him in this way. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Maybe I’m a perv. I wish I knew for sure.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Along with feelings come other things not as savory

  1. SterkOks says:

    Hello, I’m James. I’m sorry that this is so off topic but I really wanted to contact you, I’m sorry if I’m intruding but I would like to hear a little bit about what you went through, my significant other also experienced something similar, and I would like to hear your aspect, your story, whatever you feel comfortable telling me. Shoot me an email, my email is the same as my online tag,
    SterkOks@hotmail.co.uk
    I appreciate anything you send, even if it’s “I don’t want to tell you”
    Thanks so much!

  2. alice says:

    i really really don’t think you’re a perv, you’re having a reaction that a lot of others that have been through things also have, it’s normal! You can’t help it, don’t be so hard on yourself, please?
    Take care of yourself, Alice x

  3. meredith says:

    Did your grandmother host family gatherings around holidays that your uncle might have been part of? Because I remember you writing about your grandmother bringing a group of people in the kitchen to have you tell them what you told her… and if your family gathered around events like holidays and birthdays… or Sunday dinner… maybe part of you used to get stressed when you knew your uncle was going to be around.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I honestly don’t remember holidays as a kid. I remember maybe one Christmas? And maybe one Easter. We didn’t do holidays after a while which was good, too much religious hypocrisy lol

      I remember the people being there but my grandmother loved to cook and I can see her just having people over, even though I don’t have a clear idea of who the other adults were in the house and it feels like they weren’t around at any other time because I can only identify them as strangers, not people I was used to seeing.

      Right now I’m really wishing that I could talk to my uncle’s wife. I need her to tell me if I was ever at their house but there’s no way for me to contact her and if she knew what he was like who’s to say that she would tell the truth if I could ask her…

  4. castorgirl says:

    You’re not perverted. This is one of the awful reactions to the abuse you were subjected to. It’s a sign that the way we were exposed to sex in an unhealthy and damaging way. The thing to remember, is that it is possible to heal from this place; but that it will take time, understanding and empathy.

    Please take care,
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      It goes back to memory for me. If I have no memory but one, then I have no proof that I’m not perverted right? And healing wouldn’t be possible if there’s nothing to heal from.

      It’s ok, I’m just being a baby. 🙂

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