I’m not going to get into what I’ve done but I will say that I’ve made myself ill with disgust and disappointment.
I shouldn’t be thinking of the things I’m thinking of and I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. I shouldn’t fantasize about my uncle, even if the fantasies are horrible. I’m obsessed with obscene thoughts and images and my body is reacting in an improper way.
Things that shouldn’t give me pleasure, do and I hate it. I don’t feel a real connection with the little girl I see in my mind. I don’t know what she’s thinking or feeling. All that matters is his pleasure and in my mind that’s what I’m waiting for. That’s what she’s waiting for.
The worse part is that I don’t know if what I fantasize about is based on fact. I know that my body reacts strongly and instantly to certain imagery and words but I still struggle with wondering if I’m just perverted.
Strangely enough, I’m not questioning things too much after my therapy session the other week. I still have no arguments for the logic my therapist presented but I can’t bring that over to this situation.
It just makes me sick and disgusted and full of self-loathing. I had stopped this behavior for a while but after the disconnect ended, it started up again. Adding my uncle into the mix just makes me ill. I’d rather believe that this is because of factual things that happened to me, instead of thinking that I like imagining him in this way. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Maybe I’m a perv. I wish I knew for sure.