Fumbling and then making a mess of things *intimacy*


We tried being intimate and it was horrible. I say horrible not because there was no pleasure but because I found it all so upsetting that I almost gave up and started crying. And you know that I don’t cry.

There was a point when I was really frustrated and getting angry at myself for not being to fully enjoy the experience. We stopped and I just laid there staring up at the ceiling. My husband went to turn my face to kiss me and my hand shot out automatically and smacked his hand away from me. I did it without thinking. All I felt was anger and then, smack. I didn’t do it hard in any way, just enough to get his hand off my face. I know I startled the hell out of him because I hadn’t told him about not doing that yet. He hadn’t done it in a while so I thought I wouldn’t have to. There was a bit of snippiness there because he was upset that I reacted that way without having warned him ahead of time not to do that. I told him the above reason and then stated firmly that he is not allowed to turn my head.

We went back to trying and things got more frustrating. It worked out eventually but in a very sporadic and out-of-sync way.

What was almost as bad was how I felt afterwards. I felt guilty because it feels like I’m the one messing things up by insisting on “working through” this stuff. I felt like if I had just left it all alone then none of this would be happening and we would be like we were before. That was not a good feeling. We said we’d keep working at it and hope that I can associate certain actions with him instead of my uncle. That’s all good and well but I don’t relish what it will be like in the meantime.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Incest, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Fumbling and then making a mess of things *intimacy*

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    That is OK, Tai. We are all human, and we mess up sometimes. Mind you, I only mean about hoping that you wouldn’t have to ever bring that up with your husband.

    You are not to blame that you have some issues around intimacy. Your uncle is squarely to blame for that. Totally. You were an innocent child. I feel so saddened and sick that he took this from you, this beautiful way to express your love to each other. I know you can’t get it back, I know I can’t get my mother back, and it is so hard to accept. But let’s hope that we can almost replace it somehow, probably through what you (and me) are doing in therapy.

    I am so glad that you ARE working through all this, and I am so very sure your husband is, too, because it is clear that he truly cares about you. Of course, he was momentarily caught off guard, but I am sure he recovered OK. It is good that you are feeling. Did you cry, or just almost cry? (if you cried, that is great news.) I just don’t think he is about having an unfeeling lump of protoplasm to live with for good company and other on-demand services. He cares about you and wants you to be happy.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Yes, it is sad that we can’t get back what we lost. Whenever I hear about a child losing their mother or about a car accident, I always think of you.

      To answer your question, I almost cried, but the idea of crying at all and especially crying front of someone else was so intolerable that there was no way it was going to happen.

      You made me smile though because my therapist would have agreed with you about crying being a good thing. 🙂

  2. oh, my heart goes out to you.
    I *do not* want to make things any worse for you, but can I ask if your husband is getting help on getting through this? he seems to be so incredibly supportive, but it can be tough; my own husband has physical problems around sex as a result of the trauma of trying to cope with my freaking out.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi,

      No he doesn’t go to therapy. I’ve tried to get him to read books about this stuff but he says that he’d rather me just tell him. What ends up happening is that I pass on what my therapist has said about our relationship and he agrees and goes on. Will it always be like that? I have no idea, but i figure if he needs to go into therapy with me at some point as a couple, we can do that.

  3. justdifficult says:

    Hi,

    I wasn’t abused as a child. So, that’s something I don’t have in common with you. But, one thing that leapt off the page from what you wrote in this post is that perhaps you and your husband need to set some clear boundaries about sex. Just agree that beyond kissing, for as long as you need, you draw the line at certain types of intimacy and don’t proceed beyond those lines. I’d imagine that because of your abuse, you associate sex with being forced, violated, coerced and threatened. From what I’ve read from other survivors of abuse, these feelings and a host of others often lie engrained and dormant until shaken up by something they are associated with.

    For someone with your past, I would reckon that you have to “relearn” about sex and love and mainly trust. It’s tough for your husband – he’s most likely very certain that he wants to love you sexually, emotionally, spiritually and in every normal way normal men want to. It’s probably also very hard for him to begin to imagine how another man (I presume your abuser was a man – accept my apologies if I’m wrong) would want to harm a child through sex. At the same time, like women, men have a difficult time controlling the urge to “go forth” as it were. For him it is quite a balancing act. But for you, it must be 100 times worse.

    My advice is to discuss the boundaries about what you are currently prepared to get up to, and agree not to erode them until you feel ready. Even then, I would set another boundary and try to keep that in place until you feel comfortable with that too. Tough for men and women this strategy; but since your husband loves you, I’m sure that he will understand that this is what you need until you feel that you aren’t reliving your abuse.

    Take time and take care X

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi justdifficult,

      You made valid points which I appreciate. It’s just hard to have been in sync so much in this area and now to be losing it. But yes, my therapist agrees with you about boundaries and that’s something we’ll have to work out together. He’s very supportive so I know I’m really lucky in that regard.

      Thanks. 🙂

  4. castorgirl says:

    I’m so sorry for what happened in the past, and how it continues to impact on your life, as well as the people you care about. I’ve read the blogs of other survivors who have worked through these issues successfully, so it can be done.

    Please take care,
    CG

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