We tried being intimate and it was horrible. I say horrible not because there was no pleasure but because I found it all so upsetting that I almost gave up and started crying. And you know that I don’t cry.
There was a point when I was really frustrated and getting angry at myself for not being to fully enjoy the experience. We stopped and I just laid there staring up at the ceiling. My husband went to turn my face to kiss me and my hand shot out automatically and smacked his hand away from me. I did it without thinking. All I felt was anger and then, smack. I didn’t do it hard in any way, just enough to get his hand off my face. I know I startled the hell out of him because I hadn’t told him about not doing that yet. He hadn’t done it in a while so I thought I wouldn’t have to. There was a bit of snippiness there because he was upset that I reacted that way without having warned him ahead of time not to do that. I told him the above reason and then stated firmly that he is not allowed to turn my head.
We went back to trying and things got more frustrating. It worked out eventually but in a very sporadic and out-of-sync way.
What was almost as bad was how I felt afterwards. I felt guilty because it feels like I’m the one messing things up by insisting on “working through” this stuff. I felt like if I had just left it all alone then none of this would be happening and we would be like we were before. That was not a good feeling. We said we’d keep working at it and hope that I can associate certain actions with him instead of my uncle. That’s all good and well but I don’t relish what it will be like in the meantime.