New proof that I am a self-centered human being

I’m not exactly sure what happened to me yesterday. Several people I know in “real life” are dealing with very stressful circumstances right now. I have a friend with some emotional family issues going on, and a woman I know more as an acquaintance has an adult child that’s dying.

Yesterday I had a list of things to do connected to these people. First I called my friend because she had told me the day before that something was going on and she wanted to talk to me about it. So I called and she talked about several issues that she’s dealing with at the moment. There wasn’t anything I could do to fix any of it, which drives me nuts, so all I could do was listen and I told her that we should take some time to get her out of the house and just hang out so she can relax in a non-pressurized situation.

Next I called the woman I know. This was very difficult because I knew going in that she would be grieving and upset. It didn’t change the fact that calling was the right thing to do though. She and I talked for a long time and she was very angry at certain people we know for them not being there for her. It was difficult because I needed to walk a very fine line in this case. She had her point of view but I also knew the other side and knew that there were likely good reasons that the others hadn’t been able to be there as much as they would have wanted to be. It was a very upsetting phone call, not because I was upset with her but because there were so many strong and painful emotions to deal with and listen to. She’s basically waiting for the death and that was really hard to hear. I told her that I would make some phone calls to try to let people know what she needed help with, so that’s what I did for the next half hour to an hour. I swear at one point I wanted to curl up into a ball on the floor and die because her pain was so large.

Which brings me to the title of my post today. I was disgusted with myself for feeling this way yesterday. It wasn’t just that. After I took care of the phone calls for the second person, I went back and called my friend because I had researched some information on something she was dealing with and I wanted to give her some stuff to read. So after all that, I realized that I was feeling very, very sad at sporadic moments. My first thought is to always check and see if my mood is bipolar based. I can tell pretty well, and this did not feel like that. I realized that I was feeling bad that I had been there for people that day but I didn’t have that kind of support for myself. Ok…how awful is that! I mean, I’m typing this and feeling like the worst person on earth. How can I feel that way? What’s wrong with me? What kind of a person can sit there and listen to someone else’s pain and then make it about them? That’s the essence of the kind of people I hate! I don’t know what that says about me but I don’t like it.

And now that I’ve written it, everyone knows what kind of person I really am. Aren’t you glad you’ve hung out here so long? I’m actually imagining you all reading this and sitting back in your chairs with your mouths open, feeling completely disgusted. I know I am.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
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8 Responses to New proof that I am a self-centered human being

  1. theothers55 says:

    I actually think that was a very normal reaction. Feeling sad that you didn’t have someone to support you is not selfish at all, it is recognising what is missing in your life. I think the fact that you are strong enough to offer that support is awesome and i don’t say that lightly – I know I couldn’t have done it myself. Please don’t be down on yourself, be glad that you could be there for those people 🙂 xx

  2. meredith says:

    I second that.

  3. Freasha1964 says:

    And I third it. And thanks to Jay for finding the core of what you were saying – I got confused. Maybe because it doesn’t make sense that you would feel selfish for wanting something for yourself that you give so generously to others.
    You are clearly a wonderful friend, Tai. I wish that you could see that you deserve support too.

  4. not disgusted *at all*. I’m right there (in terms of supporting *everyone* only to turn around and find that it’s not reciprocated) at present, and I hear you. i’ve seen other bloggers (I think blooming lotus does a great line in it) talking about one-sided relationships and they can say it all much better than me. you’re a good person for caring and it sucks no-one is doing the same for you.

  5. callmeams says:

    You didn’t abandon your friend, even though it drained you to offer that level of support and brought to the surface your own feelings of needing. It sounds to me like you are human and a very good one at that.

  6. Candycan says:

    I’d be worried if you didnt feel sad and drained after supporting your friends in this way. It shows that you are a caring person. If you didnt care about others, their pain wouldnt have any effect on you. I think you should see your reaction as a credit to how compassionate you are. Of course you’re going to need someone to support you with that burden your friends have shared with you. It’s huge. Take it easy and remember that your readers aren’t here to judge you and most of the time, we will be our own worst critic in life anyway. I don’t think anyone would agree with you that you’re selfish here. Take care.

  7. castorgirl says:

    Your reaction was normal and very human. I’m sorry for what your friends are going through, but I’m also sorry that you don’t have anyone who can be there for you, like you are for your friends.

    Please take care of yourself,

  8. Pandora says:

    Just adding a voice of agreement with the other comments. Of course you should feel regretful that no one was looking out for you when it was most needed. As you noted, the subject matter of these calls was highly emotive, so it’s not surprising it made you think.

    It’s not self-centred at all; some people – quite possibly myself included, to my shame – would have been so scared of the personal impact of the calls that they may have been unable to make them at all. I know you didn’t think that (consciously?) before the calls, but that underlines the point to my mind. Friends came first to you here.

    You’re not selfish, you’re not horrible; you’re a loving and caring friend who was sadly also dealt a shit hand. You have nothing to feel bad for whatsoever.

    *safe, gentle hugs*

    Pan xxx

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