I’m not exactly sure what happened to me yesterday. Several people I know in “real life” are dealing with very stressful circumstances right now. I have a friend with some emotional family issues going on, and a woman I know more as an acquaintance has an adult child that’s dying.
Yesterday I had a list of things to do connected to these people. First I called my friend because she had told me the day before that something was going on and she wanted to talk to me about it. So I called and she talked about several issues that she’s dealing with at the moment. There wasn’t anything I could do to fix any of it, which drives me nuts, so all I could do was listen and I told her that we should take some time to get her out of the house and just hang out so she can relax in a non-pressurized situation.
Next I called the woman I know. This was very difficult because I knew going in that she would be grieving and upset. It didn’t change the fact that calling was the right thing to do though. She and I talked for a long time and she was very angry at certain people we know for them not being there for her. It was difficult because I needed to walk a very fine line in this case. She had her point of view but I also knew the other side and knew that there were likely good reasons that the others hadn’t been able to be there as much as they would have wanted to be. It was a very upsetting phone call, not because I was upset with her but because there were so many strong and painful emotions to deal with and listen to. She’s basically waiting for the death and that was really hard to hear. I told her that I would make some phone calls to try to let people know what she needed help with, so that’s what I did for the next half hour to an hour. I swear at one point I wanted to curl up into a ball on the floor and die because her pain was so large.
Which brings me to the title of my post today. I was disgusted with myself for feeling this way yesterday. It wasn’t just that. After I took care of the phone calls for the second person, I went back and called my friend because I had researched some information on something she was dealing with and I wanted to give her some stuff to read. So after all that, I realized that I was feeling very, very sad at sporadic moments. My first thought is to always check and see if my mood is bipolar based. I can tell pretty well, and this did not feel like that. I realized that I was feeling bad that I had been there for people that day but I didn’t have that kind of support for myself. Ok…how awful is that! I mean, I’m typing this and feeling like the worst person on earth. How can I feel that way? What’s wrong with me? What kind of a person can sit there and listen to someone else’s pain and then make it about them? That’s the essence of the kind of people I hate! I don’t know what that says about me but I don’t like it.
And now that I’ve written it, everyone knows what kind of person I really am. Aren’t you glad you’ve hung out here so long? I’m actually imagining you all reading this and sitting back in your chairs with your mouths open, feeling completely disgusted. I know I am.