Brief post about a missed opportunity


I just found out a couple of days ago that my aunt (she was the sister of my uncle) died two years ago.

This is significant because when I was little I used to go to her house during the time the abuse would have occurred. I remember her actually and I remember having a good time sitting in her kitchen watching her as she cooked or cleaned or whatever. She was always nice to me. It had occurred to me recently that if I could find her, I could ask her questions about that time period and perhaps get some answers as we all lived in the same town back then. That opportunity is now gone. I don’t really feel anything about it and I’m not sure why. Maybe there’s nothing to feel. I just know that if I had been dealing with this stuff a few years earlier, she would have been alive and I could have talked to her. My own fault.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, Incest, Sexual Abuse and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Brief post about a missed opportunity

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    CI, of course we are all going to tell you it was not your fault. Not a bit. You can’t start dealing with your issues until you are ready and I have a working hypothesis that there is an organic molecular process that takes place on its own time line that leads to being ready. You can’t pull out of your driveway and expect to be in Texas once you go east a mile (unless your driveway is in Texas).

    People say things happen for a reason. I say there is a reason, or a cause, of them happening, and it often has nothing to do with us. And I am not ready to buy that it is in some way orchestrated by some higher power. (Imagine orchestrating lives to work out according to some individual plan for 7 billion people and a gazillion more plants, animals and minerals.) We have very little control.

    I am sorry that you missed this opportunity, all the same. I can see that maybe it could have been healing. But don’t blame yourself.

  2. meredith says:

    awww, CI;

    You know what? there’s no way to know if talking to your aunt would have been an opportunity, or a landmine, or another experience with confused messages. I’m very sorry to know that you just learned of your aunt’s death; somewhere in you mind, that must be hard to think about. But a missed opportunity? No. A person can only handle so much at one time, and your aunt died before you were ready to seek her out. That’s all.

    big hugs,

    ~meredith~

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    I hope you hold onto those good memories that you have of your aunt, and remember her fondly. I hope you can grieve her passing, and that you can’t now ask her the questions you wanted to ask.

    As others have said, it’s nobody’s fault that you weren’t able to ask her those questions while she was alive. You will never know her responses, and I know how painful that is. All you can do is make the most of what you do have… and you have strength, kindness, and a determination to heal that will see you keeping on going.

    Take care,
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I do have good memories of her, which is nice. I feel no grief, maybe because I hadn’t seen her since I was very little. All I can do is wonder what would have happened.

      I can’t accept any compliments as I still feel filthy, but thanks anyway. 🙂

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