I don’t know what I was thinking. I decided that I needed to check out some books about abuse from the library, including one that has interviews with about 30 offenders so as to explain why they abused kids. I’m so smart right? I started reading a book about the impact of culture on abuse and I just didn’t want to read anymore. Today I decided to try a book about memory and repression etc. It was about the debate yada yada yada and it was just too annoying to read. So, I went on to the book with the interviews. I tried really hard to read it but I just kept feeling so bad for the kids who were mostly victims of incest. It was just too hard to read these guys talking about their childhoods and their excuses, blaming their wives, whatever. I wanted to know WHY, but it was like I could see the faces of these kids and I felt so sick for them…it was too much to read.
Then the best part happened. Thank god it wasn’t while reading what they did to children. Those parts just made me ill and angry and so hurt for the victims. No, it wasn’t that, but when they would use certain words that I should know by now are triggers for compulsive behavior…boom! The me I don’t hate as much is traded out for the me that I can’t look at in the mirror and the one that I want to scrub with hot water until my skin comes off. No personality changing needed, I can do it all by myself. In a 24 hour period I managed to go from feeling ok about myself briefly, to hating myself in the extreme. It’s just impossible to feel good for any meaningful period of time. I can’t tell you how awesome it was to see my uncle in my head yesterday to kick things off on the right note.
Now I’m sitting here and I’m supposed to go somewhere and I can’t see myself doing it because I’m not fit to be around human beings. I feel dirty and unworthy and I feel like I should just go and sit in a dark corner somewhere and rot.
It makes me wonder if I set myself up for failure. I did some “good deeds” the other day (despite making it about me)and it was like, “Uh uh, you can’t do that so let’s get you nice and gross like normal.” Every so-called decent thing I’ve done gets flushed down the toilet and I’m left looking at someone I hate, someone who’s filthy and useless and disgusting. What am I even here for? I swear I’m just tired of it. I want to be like other people who can do good things and be good. I’m not good and no matter what I try to do, it’s always tainted later by my own behavior.