My friend self-loathing wants me to stay home

I don’t know what I was thinking. I decided that I needed to check out some books about abuse from the library, including one that has interviews with about 30 offenders so as to explain why they abused kids. I’m so smart right? I started reading a book about the impact of culture on abuse and I just didn’t want to read anymore. Today I decided to try a book about memory and repression etc. It was about the debate yada yada yada and it was just too annoying to read. So, I went on to the book with the interviews. I tried really hard to read it but I just kept feeling so bad for the kids who were mostly victims of incest. It was just too hard to read these guys talking about their childhoods and their excuses, blaming their wives, whatever. I wanted to know WHY, but it was like I could see the faces of these kids and I felt so sick for them…it was too much to read.

Then the best part happened. Thank god it wasn’t while reading what they did to children. Those parts just made me ill and angry and so hurt for the victims. No, it wasn’t that, but when they would use certain words that I should know by now are triggers for compulsive behavior…boom! The me I don’t hate as much is traded out for the me that I can’t look at in the mirror and the one that I want to scrub with hot water until my skin comes off. No personality changing needed, I can do it all by myself. In a 24 hour period I managed to go from feeling ok about myself briefly, to hating myself in the extreme. It’s just impossible to feel good for any meaningful period of time. I can’t tell you how awesome it was to see my uncle in my head yesterday to kick things off on the right note.

Now I’m sitting here and I’m supposed to go somewhere and I can’t see myself doing it because I’m not fit to be around human beings. I feel dirty and unworthy and I feel like I should just go and sit in a dark corner somewhere and rot.

It makes me wonder if I set myself up for failure. I did some “good deeds” the other day (despite making it about me)and it was like, “Uh uh, you can’t do that so let’s get you nice and gross like normal.” Every so-called decent thing I’ve done gets flushed down the toilet and I’m left looking at someone I hate, someone who’s filthy and useless and disgusting. What am I even here for? I swear I’m just tired of it. I want to be like other people who can do good things and be good. I’m not good and no matter what I try to do, it’s always tainted later by my own behavior.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, Incest, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to My friend self-loathing wants me to stay home

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Tai, I think you said it before I could: It seems that whenever you start to feel good about yourself, whenever others compliment you, you seem to be possessed with this compulsion to beat yourself up. I do understand it (if I am even on the right trail here). It’s like, somebody’s gotta do it; remind you that you are a shameful undeserving person. Eh? Your mother keeps winning this battle and you are her ally. Does this ring true?

    On a post you made after this: was that an invitation for us to try to think up a new blog name for you? I know how that goes. I had to come up with a name, and it had to be something that meant something to me, but I didn’t want it to be my real name, putting all this personal stuff out there for anyone to read. (I have been reasoning that no one can possibly read an infinitesimal fraction of all the blogs out there, so my responses here probably are not widely aired, but still…). But I couldn’t start replying until I had an ID, so I made up one. This one works for me. I have done this before with less satisfaction, so I had a little bit of advance notice.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      It’s hard to know when I’m deserving of self-hatred and when I’m buying into old ideas. When I do things like this…the blame is with me and I just hate myself. How can I blame anyone else for me being sick?

      With the nickname post, I am kind of wanting something else to go by, even though since I changed my user name to use the letters “tb”, people could just use tb like castorgirl does. But I’d rather have something that means something. I’m not sure what to pick or how to make the change.

      If this reply makes no sense it’s because my meds are kicking in and I’m getting loopy. 🙂

  2. Pandora says:

    I don’t know what to say, other than that I genuinely don’t think you’re a bad person. Of course you’re not. No way. You’re someone that was treated horrifically that’s doing her damn best to deal with the consequences.

  3. meredith says:

    What is this? Kick Yourself Around the Block Day? Tai, honestly, I don’t understand why you read those books while sitting in your own bath of hot memories. It’s a kind of self abuse in itself, don’t you think? Okay… here’s what comes to mind: You already have one perp stalking your mind, right? So inviting other perps for company to see how they really think is like… creating an opportunity to be swarmed! No wonder you feel so dirty. Oh, girl, put those books away for awhile and take yourself, and your little hurt self, to the library and check out A Wrinkle in Time. Feed your magical self with a nurturing story of courage that deals with good and evil in a different context.

    The thing is… you were a little girl when your uncle hurt you. You experienced his abuse through little girl understanding, then. That little girl didn’t do anything to deserve what happened to her, and neither she, nor you, can find a safe place in the present if perps continue to be in her life, if you keep feeding her information that they’re everywhere, and that even you are as scared as she is. You know what I mean? I know it sounds silly, but you have a little girl inside who didn’t get to grow up with her magical self, or learn of heroines of other realm, and she needs that. Since you are the only one with access to your inner, hurt self… you’re the only one who can help her feel better.

    Help a scared little girl feel better on the inside by nurturing her with stories of hope and courage, and imagination for a while. I think you’ll feel better, all around, if you kick the scoundrels out of your reading room and fill it with courageous, innovative women warriors like Frieda Kahlo, who painted her pain, laying in her bed on her back.

    The balm that heals is feeding yourself with inspiration to create wellness for yourself. Feed yourself with wonder and possibility from time to time to vet the horror and sick-mindedness that you were forced to absorb; you’ll find understanding about your dementors… believe me… but you’ll be doing it with the kind of language a young tai understands, and you’ll give her a chance to learn she’s safe now.

    You really deserve safety in your own home. You really do.

    now, bossy ~meredith~ will be quiet. I’m off the soap box now, backing out the door, twisting the invisible key to show that my lips are sealed, and that I won’t rant, anymore, today.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      That’s ok, I like bossy meredith. 🙂

      I hadn’t thought about like that but it was like having them in my mind, fouling it up. That’s why I had to get the books out of my house and take them back, which I did. I had another book being sent for me to pickup and I canceled it. It hasn’t done any good for me to read what these people think, it just makes it worse. The person I really want to get answers from is my uncle and that will never happen. It’s a rare occasion for me when “why’s” don’t lead to answers or satisfaction.

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    There can be a fine line between wanting to find out more information in order to heal, and being self-abusive. You’ve read stuff like this before, seen documentaries and tv shows on it, so you know what it does to you… so why go there?

    I know that feeling of being dirty, unworthy, and as if you will contaminate others just by being near them. But I also know that it is about our pasts, not anything based on reality in the present. You’re not dirty, or unworthy. You’re not.

    Sounds like a time to be sitting with you on the doorstep watching the world go by…

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I found it interesting that both you and meredith used the term “self-abuse”. I was puzzled and geniunely curious as to why you both thought that? I’m being serious in asking, which is hard to express through typing. Is my doing that self-abuse? What does that mean?

      • castorgirl says:

        Hi tb,

        I can only tell you what it means within my scope of understanding. It’s not a term I’ve heard used very often, and was described to me by a friend as a way of me reality checking some of my actions. So what I understand it to mean, is that there are certain things that we can do that we know will hurt us… it is this intent that, to me, separates it from self-injury. To me, self-injury is about dealing with overwhelming emotions; it’s about pain, release from the moment. But when we do something that we know is going to stir us up, then it becomes self-abusive.

        I shouldn’t have used the term within my comment to you, and for that I’m very sorry. I don’t know the motivations behind what you were doing, or whether they were self-abusive, self-injurous, or some other motivation. What struck me was that you’ve read that sort of material before, and you know what it does to you – it winds you up, makes you feel worse and confuses you. It’s never been a positive experience for you, so I was wondering why you went there.

        Again, I’m sorry for using the term, and I hope you’re feeling better.

        Please take care,

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Why are you apologizing??? Your explanation of the term made a lot of sense to me and it gave me something to think about. I have often wondered why I read stuff like that and just because I’m looking for answers doesn’t mean that there’s no other motives at work. You spoke from a place of knowledge. You’re right, I do know what that stuff does to me, so the question of why I would go there is a good one. I’m glad you said something.

  5. meredith says:

    Sorry, ta, I really get too revved up, sometimes.

    I think it’s incredibly difficult to not feel dirty when working through this stuff. Once, I got up and left church (during the service), went home, changed my dress, too that “harlot lipstick” off my face, went back to church, and passed the collection plate. I remember doing it, but nothing about it seemed abnormal is it was happening, and “only slipped away for a minute…” and it freaked my husband out, big time. I didn’t believe him when he said I’d changed my clothes, but then I remembered the whole thing. Something in the morning reading triggered me, big time, and another part of my brain took over, completely, too “get my slutty ass home and get that crap off my face.” I didn’t see it coming. I don’t know how I could have.

    After re-reading your post, I sat down and thought back through the years and some of the things I’ve done that were trigger reactions I didn’t understand. I also thought I was it was my bad for doing them, just like you do, now. Even though it may seem like you’ve made self-sabotaging choices from a rational, intent-directed place, you actually might be having trigger reactions in your environment that come from a different place in yourself than you’re actually aware of.

    I just wanted to put that out there, because I was bothered by the way I responded in my comment… and I kept remembering the time I switched during church but stayed also stayed co-conscious during the experience… and who knows why?

    I feel for you. I really do. It’s so crazy-making to wonder why we do such bizarre things, and sometimes we don’t know they’re bizarre… not quite… but the picture is certainly distorted… and then the realization slips into focus… but we blame ourselves because who else’ fault could it be? Ugh.

    I think you’re very bold in your pursuit to heal. Sometimes it backfires, but then you know, so on you go.

    I think you’re awesome.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      meredith, you didn’t need to feel bad about anything you said. I don’t write this stuff to have people say nice platitudes. I write and when people resond I want honest thoughts. What you said didn’t bother me. As I wrote to CG, I’m curious why both of you thought that what I was doing was self-abuse? I don’t know what you guys meant by that and I’m trying to see your point so if you want to add to it go ahead.

      For some reason I’m not quite getting the trigger reaction concept either. It’s like my brain isn’t quite processing what you’re saying quite right.

  6. meredith says:

    Go back and read my first comment and think about what it might be like for a little girl to have her life flooded with information about sexual predators. Even if you don’t realize it, revisiting sexual trauma, whether through books or media, you’re inviting perps into your head, and as you think about it, your mind gets nailed with more information, and you start to get that dirty feeling that comes with any story involving sexual abuse. It’s very hard on the spirit.

    I’m not say that you should never read or investigate some of these things, but you really have a bigger responsibility to create a safe place and safe rituals for the little hurt girl. You need to assure her, no matter how stupid you feel doing it, that you’ve created a perp-free house and that you’re going to make sure she grows up safe and happy.

    Mental, emotion, physical, sexual safety is key to helping your mind to reorient itself from the original trauma. Honestly, I never did finish reading Courage to Heal because it triggered the shit out of me, and my sense of panic would skyrocket… and then I’d have a knee-jerk reaction that didn’t seem related… but when we’re in therapy we’re already asking ourselves a million questions, feeling bad, feeling scared, feeling dirty. I needed lighter reading that still dealt with good and evil… but in fiction books for young adults. I found inspiration and comfort from books like “A Wrinkle In Time,” the Harry Potter books, and the Golden Compass. It met my need to find a place of resolution in the world, and I think it also gave me heroes who faced their darkness.

    So. I don’t know how to explain triggers while in a train station, but I’ll give it some thought. I know… it’s important to know that a wound has a healthy scab and new skin growing before exposing it to other dirt. Does that help?

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I understand. I don’t think…no I know that I never thought about how any other parts of me may feel about the stuff I read. And CG made the point that it’s not like it ever does me any good. I always end up messed up afterwards and worse off. I’m glad you both said something about it. I wasn’t thinking it through very well. I was just thinking about answers and the why’s etc. But I don’t think those men can give me the answers I want.

      • meredith says:

        I can honestly tell you that ‘those men’ would make you sick to your stomach if you were to sit down with them and let them candidly talk to you about life through their eyes. But you know, we all want answers, even when we think we know the cost… and that’s the double bind. I think you want to take very good care of yourself. It just takes a while to really understand why a person shouldn’t “go there.” It’s really hard on the soul… and even if you heard the answers with your own ears, I’ll bet you would still say, “but why?” It’s a very different mind set.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        You’re probably right. Watching Oprah’s interview with some of them from years back was god awful.

  7. meredith says:

    Yeah… Oprah.

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