I’ve been juggling this thought around for a few weeks now and I can’t let it go.
I’m being drawn to the idea of starving myself again. The last time I did it, I liked it, as it was a punishment I felt I deserved. Now, the thought just keeps coming back to do it again. It’s weird because I know it’s not healthy but I don’t care. It’s like I need to do something and this is the best thing I can come up with. There’s a desire to just give into it and not fight it. I don’t know why; it just is.
I have this thought to just exercise until I pass out and to just not eat or at least eat very little so that no one notices. Actually no one would notice because as long as I ate something, if my husband asked me if I ate I could say yes.
I saw a bony model the other day that made news because of how thin she is and I thought, “Yea, I’d like to have my bones show like that.” It’s weird because I never had this problem before. I don’t know if I can pull it off, I may have to work my way up to it, but it’s something. I don’t know why I want to do it, I just do.