The temptation to give in to unhealthy habits *eating*

I’ve been juggling this thought around for a few weeks now and I can’t let it go.

I’m being drawn to the idea of starving myself again. The last time I did it, I liked it, as it was a punishment I felt I deserved. Now, the thought just keeps coming back to do it again. It’s weird because I know it’s not healthy but I don’t care. It’s like I need to do something and this is the best thing I can come up with. There’s a desire to just give into it and not fight it. I don’t know why; it just is.

I have this thought to just exercise until I pass out and to just not eat or at least eat very little so that no one notices. Actually no one would notice because as long as I ate something, if my husband asked me if I ate I could say yes.

I saw a bony model the other day that made news because of how thin she is and I thought, “Yea, I’d like to have my bones show like that.” It’s weird because I never had this problem before. I don’t know if I can pull it off, I may have to work my way up to it, but it’s something. I don’t know why I want to do it, I just do.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in dissociative identity disorder. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to The temptation to give in to unhealthy habits *eating*

  1. SterkOks says:

    I wonder if your husband reads your blog? I think it could be an amazing help to you to be able to talk to him through this as opposed to having to look at him, talk and worry about the emotions. You could set up rules like “no talking about it ‘IRL'” and he could comment on your blog. Just an idea, I suppose it’s none of my business but I think it would be extremely therapeutic.

    On another note I suppose it wouldn’t -have- to be your husband. Maybe someone you don’t see EVERY day would be better… Again just a thought, hope I can help.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      My husband does not read my blog because that is what I want. It’s the only way I can be fully honest and open and I need that more than I need him to read this. I speak to him about what I can handle him hearing and that works for now.

      Same thing with friends; I have no desire for any of the people I know in real life to know about this. Writing, therapy and artwork seem to be enough for now as the process is slow and can’t be rushed. My therapist believes that all of that is healing so we’ll see what happens.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    Can you talk to someone about the underlying issues causing you to want to starve yourself? You say it’s a need to punish yourself, but from what? It’s easy to get caught up on the punishment, without reality checking what is happening to cause that need…

    People will notice your weight loss. I didn’t think anyone was noticing my weight loss, and then a couple of people from work started commenting on it.

    I hope you can work this through…

    Please take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      It doesn’t matter since I failed anyway. I ended up eating yesterday and I was really disappointed that I couldn’t stick with it.

      • castorgirl says:

        (((hugs))) if they’re wanted. You didn’t “fail”, you gave your body the nourishment it needs to function. Please talk about this with your therapist…

        Take care,

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Have you ever not wanted to talk about something with your therapist because they’ll just tell you not to do it?

      • castorgirl says:

        Plenty of times… I’m not sure how it works with you and your therapist; but Allison never tells me not to do anything, instead she tries to encourage me into seeing what the underlying issues are, and what the reason for the negative need are. She’s never told me that I have to eat, because she knows that it would odds are cause my eating issues to get worse – because my eating is about control. It might be different for you, because the underlying cause could be different. But telling you to eat isn’t going to solve anything, it might make you feel more invisible.

        Why don’t you try talking about it, and see what she says???

        Take care,

      • CimmerianInk says:

        I’ll be talking to her today anyway, so I’ll mention it, even though I’m grumbling about it. 😉

  3. alice says:

    i hope you’re not being too hard on yourself, your body needed you to eat, no failure there, you’re in my thoughts x

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