When I saw my therapist this week she asked me something which, for some reason, made me sit up a bit straighter because it got my attention. It wasn’t a huge, earth-shattering thing. It was quite simple. She asked: What are you afraid of? What would change, what would be so bad if you stopped resisting believing what happened to you?
Now, it’s not an exact quote but it’s close. She made a point of rewinding and saying that resisting is exactly what I would be doing in the process, so she wasn’t saying that I was doing anything wrong. She actually said that if I wasn’t resisting she would wonder what was going on. Putting that aside, for some reason, the question really hit me. It was strange though because we didn’t really get to fully explore it as I had several things on my mind. But I’m going to bring it up during the next session.
The question has been circling my brain all day though so maybe I can think about it for a while.
On another note, during the session we had a point where I was arguing about why nothing bad happened to me, at least nothing more than the one thing, and after I was done talking, my therapist looked at me and said that I missed my calling as a lawyer. She was serious. I kind of got nervous and I asked her if I had convinced her that I’m a crazy liar. She said no but that if I said what I said in a court of law I probably could have convinced other people of my reasons for doubting myself. I wasn’t sure how to take that. She said that she’s sure and we started talking about “proof” of which I said I had none. She disagreed and brought up specific intimacy issues that come on their own when I’m not thinking about it. Things that are gut reactions. she also pointed out that I’m like every other abuse victim in my reactions, including doubts. To her that’s proof that my one incident wasn’t the only incident. She asked me if I could say to myself, when doubts arise,: I don’t know what happened, but I know something did. I couldn’t commit to that but I committed to trying to possibly say that…maybe. 😉
I asked her what she would do with a client who she believed was not lying, but was not seeing reality. She said that she would work with them from that standpoint. “So,” I said, “You would tell me if you thought I was crazy?” Her basic answer was yes without using the word crazy. My point was verifying that she would be honest with a client if she thought they were making things up. She says that my claims of making things up for attention or because of being crazy don’t fit into anything she knows about me as a person though, so I can’t get her to follow my logic.
Oddly, part of me doesn’t want her to follow my logic anyway. It wants her to believe me, whatever that means.
I also mentioned the eating thing and she said that starving oneself serves many purposes. It could be about control, it could be about punishment etc. I told her to throw in that I’m fat and ugly and you’ve got two more purposes.
She told me that I need to take care of the little girl inside me who thinks that she needs to be punished and that she’s worthless. She told me that I need to give her soup and tea and whatever and take care of her. That I need to be the grownup in this situation. I told her that I don’t have anything against the little girl and that this desire to not eat was coming from the grownup me. She said that it wasn’t true because a grownup knows that a person needs food to live. I disagree but whatever.