A question that got my attention in therapy

When I saw my therapist this week she asked me something which, for some reason, made me sit up a bit straighter because it got my attention. It wasn’t a huge, earth-shattering thing. It was quite simple. She asked: What are you afraid of? What would change, what would be so bad if you stopped resisting believing what happened to you?

Now, it’s not an exact quote but it’s close. She made a point of rewinding and saying that resisting is exactly what I would be doing in the process, so she wasn’t saying that I was doing anything wrong. She actually said that if I wasn’t resisting she would wonder what was going on. Putting that aside, for some reason, the question really hit me. It was strange though because we didn’t really get to fully explore it as I had several things on my mind. But I’m going to bring it up during the next session.

The question has been circling my brain all day though so maybe I can think about it for a while.

On another note, during the session we had a point where I was arguing about why nothing bad happened to me, at least nothing more than the one thing, and after I was done talking, my therapist looked at me and said that I missed my calling as a lawyer. She was serious. I kind of got nervous and I asked her if I had convinced her that I’m a crazy liar. She said no but that if I said what I said in a court of law I probably could have convinced other people of my reasons for doubting myself. I wasn’t sure how to take that. She said that she’s sure and we started talking about “proof” of which I said I had none. She disagreed and brought up specific intimacy issues that come on their own when I’m not thinking about it. Things that are gut reactions. she also pointed out that I’m like every other abuse victim in my reactions, including doubts. To her that’s proof that my one incident wasn’t the only incident. She asked me if I could say to myself, when doubts arise,: I don’t know what happened, but I know something did. I couldn’t commit to that but I committed to trying to possibly say that…maybe. 😉

I asked her what she would do with a client who she believed was not lying, but was not seeing reality. She said that she would work with them from that standpoint. “So,”  I said, “You would tell me if you thought I was crazy?” Her basic answer was yes without using the word crazy. My point was verifying that she would be honest with a client if she thought they were making things up. She says that my claims of making things up for attention or because of being crazy don’t fit into anything she knows about me as a person though, so I can’t get her to follow my logic.

Oddly, part of me doesn’t want her to follow my logic anyway. It wants her to believe me, whatever that means.

I also mentioned the eating thing and she said that starving oneself serves many purposes. It could be about control, it could be about punishment etc. I told her to throw in that I’m fat and ugly and you’ve got two more purposes.

She told me that I need to take care of the little girl inside me who thinks that she needs to be punished and that she’s worthless. She told me that I need to give her soup and tea and whatever and take care of her. That I need to be the grownup in this situation. I told her that I don’t have anything against the little girl and that this desire to not eat was coming from the grownup me. She said that it wasn’t true because a grownup knows that a person needs food to live. I disagree but whatever.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Sexual Abuse and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to A question that got my attention in therapy

  1. candycan says:

    Wow i think I’ve had exactly the same talks with my therapist. i know how difficult those doubts can be. maybe there will never be solid answers though so learning to tolerate doubts is the best alternative to striving with them. i have the same thing about eating. I hope whatever part feels they don’t deserve regular, healthy meals can learn that you do as much as anyone.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tb,

    I’m so glad that this question caught your attention. It’s a big one for every survivor, and if you can work your way through it, it would be a huge step in healing for you.

    It was really interesting reading the bit about your eating issues… I could almost feel the contempt and anger in your words. Then there’s the last sentenceI disagree but whatever. That sentence alone says so much about how you’re feeling about it all… I hope you can all find some compassion for that little girl inside who’s hurting…

    I know this stuff isn’t easy tb, I struggle with it daily… So know I’m not judging or thinking anything negative of you, ok?

    With much care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Don’t worry CG, I know you’re not judging. 🙂

      I think I was annoyed with the whole discussion about eating because that’s not what I want to do. I don’t want to eat but I can’t explain all of the elements of why to my therapist. I mentioned a few.

      At this point I’m making a goal of dropping my daily caloric intake until it’s low enough to make me lightheaded. Apparently this time I can’t just do it cold turkey so I have to work my way down. I know that doesn’t make sense…it just is.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s