I don’t like the way I see the world

I’m in contact with a few members from my father’s side of the family. There was no abuse there as my uncle is on my mother’s side. It seems like all the disgusting is on that side of the family. Anyway, an aunt sent me something that had some family pictures. It was neat because I hadn’t seen many of the relatives since I was very young. Some I don’t even know at all. As I was looking through it I was happy and I felt connected to this family even though they’re so far away.

Then in the blink of an eye, it changed. I saw many pictures of younger cousins I’ve never met as they’re children. I saw pictures of older cousins and uncles. And the images changed. Instead of seeing smiling little girls, I saw possible victims. Instead of uncles I saw child molesters. I looked at every picture and thought: Are they being abused? Is this family hiding secrets like my mother’s did?

All I could think was that pictures lie. If you look at pictures of my family, people are smiling (usually) but there were hideous things going on behind the scenes. Of course there are some pictures of my mother’s family with no smiles and I would wonder if I was seeing the truth in those pictures.

On my father’s side I questioned every grin, every embrace being shown. It changed the whole thing so that I had to put it down. I could see the faces of these little girls I don’t know and I kept wondering if the adult relatives on this side of the family would cover up incest if it was happening? I don’t know them well enough to know any of that.

The point is that all the nice, warm feelings turned into dark, evil, suspicions. Poof! Just like that, all the good stuff was gone.

I hate it because it happened but I hate it more because it could be true. It can happen in any family. I’d just like to believe that it doesn’t happen in most families.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, Family Relationships, Incest, Sexual Abuse and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to I don’t like the way I see the world

  1. meredith says:

    Yes, it can happen in any family, and for a very long time it will seem as if you see “them” everywhere. The most important thing to remember is that it won’t happen in the life you create with your husband. I really think that’s the most important thing to hold close to your heart. You made a decision that this way of being was not okay, and you sounded a trumpet. YOU are making all the difference in your life, and you will inspire different thoughts than your uncle inspires.

    You already do. 😉


    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thanks meredith 🙂

      My therapist made a similar comment and said that even though I don’t have children I still have an impact on the kids I do know in my life. She also said that seeing the world this way is normal and that it will get better as I go through the “process”. Woohoo, the “process”!


  2. Bay says:

    Relate. Not sure what else to say, just that we see the world that way too. Never sure if we’re oversuspicious, or just realistic, don’t know who we can believe. Wish it didn’t happen as much as it does, wish it didn’t happen at all.
    Gentle thoughts,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Bay,
      I don’t think it’s being over-suspicious. I mentioned my viewpoint to my therapist this week and she said that the numbers tell us that abuse happens way more often than people know about. We know, so we’re very alert. I just have to hope it doesn’t happen as much as I fear.

  3. Freasha1964 says:

    It seems that whatever our issues are, that is where our focus winds up when we hit the “default” button (intentionally or unintentionally). It is a struggle to get away from this; especially when the trauma was so huge.

  4. Mareeya says:

    Old family photos are a trigger for me. I look at each family member with suspicion. I wonder how many of those smiles are forced. I’m so sorry that it’s this way for you, too. When I see old photos of myself as a child, I feel so disconnected… almost to the point of not even recognizing myself. I don’t know if that happens to you as well. I now avoid looking at family photos altogether, if possible. Anyway…. I don’t have any profound wisdom to offer, but I can tell you that I relate.
    Take care and go easy on yourself,
    ~ Mareeya

    • CimmarianInk says:

      I understand the photos. I only have a few pictures as my mother stole them when my grandmother died. The ones that I do have or have copies of look creepy to me because of what was happening at the time. I’m sorry it’s that way for you too as you’re an awesome person who doesn’t deserve that.

      Take care of you too. 🙂

  5. castorgirl says:

    Hi Cimmarian,

    It’s tough, because I do often assume the worst. I become hypervigilant and look at body language of the children, their faces, everything… and sometimes I see something that makes me wonder… but sometimes, like with that photo I took of that little girl and her dad at the zoo, I see a really happy situation. It’s easy to be swept away by the badness, and that statistics do tell us that abuse is happening; but that doesn’t mean it’s happening everywhere. There are good people out there, and sometimes it’s good to challenge our beliefs that the badness is everywhere… I’ve known Paul (from Mind Parts) for about three years now, and knowing him has eased my fear that all dads are bad.

    Be aware, be vigilant; but try to reality check those thoughts…

    Sending positive thoughts your way,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      CG, you said a couple of things that I’m really glad you said.

      First, you reminded me of that picture with the little girl and her dad. I remember that and the feelings that went with it. That was a very good thing, so thank you. Secondly, you reminded me of Paul. That was great because Paul has also made me feel the same way about fathers. While it’s true that I do what you do, as far as studying children’s faces and body language etc. and being hypervigilant, I forgot that Paul made me hope that there are more men like him out there. Thank you for that too. 🙂

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