I had a very confusing night that has carried over into today.
My husband “approached” me in the middle of the night. Don’t you love how I used that word to make it less TMI? Well, several things happened and I found myself very confused and just plain off for a long time afterwards.
The point of this post is for me to write out what I felt and try to understand it and therefore, understand myself.
I want to start off with a statement that very clearly says that I did not keep up my end of the bargain; the bargain being that I would say if I was uncomfortable with something he was doing or that I would tell him to stop said action. After saying that I’m going to add that at the time it didn’t seem possible for me to speak up due to the confusion going on inside my head. But, my point is that nothing was his fault. The reason I say that is because I want to be able to express my feelings here and my feelings are going to sound like he did something wrong even though he didn’t. This is about my feelings, not what actually happened. Ok, moving on…
The first thing that happened was fairly simple as far as actions go but as of today it has made me aware of past feelings that I could not identify until now. During the night he moved over close to me to kind of hug me or whatever. You have to understand that we do not sleep that way. I find it irritating to have someone hold me while I’m trying to sleep. It’s not an abuse thing, it’s a “I have my own side of the bed for a reason” thing. 😉
Anyway, what’s important is how I felt both physically and emotionally or some other “ally” word. I could not identify the feeling until earlier today. I was scared. Yep, scared.
What’s interesting to me about that is that, even though my husband doesn’t do that often, there was a time when he did it a little more often and I realized today that every time he’s done it in the past it made me scared. I didn’t know that until today though. I thought that I felt annoyed but that wasn’t it. There’s a anxiousness and nervousness that creeps over me that in part has to do with the sound and feeling of him sliding over. Yuck…I can’t even write about it.
I don’t know why I feel that way. There’s no reason for it, but…there it is.
The second part of what happened was also very confusing. I’ll try not to say too much but at the same time I need to write it out. It’s about my breasts being touched again. Now, according to our new understanding, I’m supposed to tell him to stop if something is triggering or upsetting etc. I fully intended on doing just that, but I was too confused by a swirl of various feelings and thoughts to fully understand that I wanted him to stop.
How do I explain this? He didn’t do anything wrong and yet my brain felt like he did. My feelings felt like he did. There was a…how do I describe it? A…presumptiousness about his actions (in my mind, not reality) that I found upsetting. He started touching me and I felt like, “What are you doing? I didn’t say that you could do that!” BUT the deal was that everything is ok unless I say it isn’t. I didn’t speak up. I was laying there and I couldn’t really feel my body in the right way. My chest was kind of numb, but also not numb (I know that makes no sense). At the same time all of these thoughts of him presuming to touch me like that were flooding my head. I kept thinking, “You know that I have issues with that, so why did you just jump in and start doing that?” It wasn’t just that he was doing it but the…amount(?) that he was doing. It was like being slapped in the face: “Yes, I know that you don’t always like this, so I’m going to really do it hardcore.” Like that. I felt…violated? But there was no reason for it because I didn’t tell him to stop.
I’m trying to remember fully what happened and I remember a point where the thought occurred to me that I deserved it so I should just take it. At that point, saying stop was no longer an option.
The topping was that other stuff happened and I just couldn’t catch a break on what was going on. It was like taking two things that had the potential to upset me the most and putting them together. It wasn’t the worst stuff that could’ve happened, but it wasn’t good either. Part of me wondered why he would do what he was doing considering my issues but the rest of me reminded me that I stayed quiet. How can I blame him when I didn’t stop him? I can’t. He can’t read minds and I can’t assume that he would be more cautious of certain actions.
Even now my body is all creeped out in certain areas and it makes me shiver.
So, the confusing feelings were: fear, anger, a feeling of betrayal, a sense of deserving to be hurt, the inability to say no, lack of feeling in certain parts of my body, shame…did I miss anything? Hmmm…don’t know. Now I’m left with wondering why I felt scared and feeling dirty and gross until it goes away.
Tomorrow is packed with responsibilities and he’s also home an extra day. Yay…