Too many confusing feelings concerning intimacy

I had a very confusing night that has carried over into today.

My husband “approached” me in the middle of the night. Don’t you love how I used that word to make it less TMI? Well, several things happened and I found myself very confused and just plain off for a long time afterwards.

The point of this post is for me to write out what I felt and try to understand it and therefore, understand myself.

I want to start off with a statement that very clearly says that I did not keep up my end of the bargain; the bargain being that I would say if I was uncomfortable with something he was doing or that I would tell him to stop said action. After saying that I’m going to add that at the time it didn’t seem possible for me to speak up due to the confusion going on inside my head. But, my point is that nothing was his fault. The reason I say that is because ย  I want to be able to express my feelings here and my feelings are going to sound like he did something wrong even though he didn’t. This is about my feelings, not what actually happened. Ok, moving on…

The first thing that happened was fairly simple as far as actions go but as of today it has made me aware of past feelings that I could not identify until now. During the night he moved over close to me to kind of hug me or whatever. You have to understand that we do not sleep that way. I find it irritating to have someone hold me while I’m trying to sleep. It’s not an abuse thing, it’s a “I have my own side of the bed for a reason” thing. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Anyway, what’s important is how I felt both physically and emotionally or some other “ally” word. I could not identify the feeling until earlier today. I was scared. Yep, scared.

What’s interesting to me about that is that, even though my husband doesn’t do that often, there was a time when he did it a little more often and I realized today that every time he’s done it in the past it made me scared. I didn’t know that until today though. I thought that I felt annoyed but that wasn’t it. There’s a anxiousness and nervousness that creeps over me that in part has to do with the sound and feeling of him sliding over. Yuck…I can’t even write about it.

I don’t know why I feel that way. There’s no reason for it, but…there it is.

The second part of what happened was also very confusing. I’ll try not to say too much but at the same time I need to write it out. It’s about my breasts being touched again. Now, according to our new understanding, I’m supposed to tell him to stop if something is triggering or upsetting etc. I fully intended on doing just that, but I was too confused by a swirl of various feelings and thoughts to fully understand that I wanted him to stop.

How do I explain this? He didn’t do anything wrong and yet my brain felt like he did. My feelings felt like he did. There was a…how do I describe it? ย A…presumptiousness about his actions (in my mind, not reality) that I found upsetting. He started touching me and I felt like, “What are you doing? I didn’t say that you could do that!” BUT the deal was that everything is ok unless I say it isn’t. I didn’t speak up. I was laying there and I couldn’t really feel my body in the right way. My chest was kind of numb, but also not numb (I know that makes no sense). At the same time all of these thoughts of him presuming to touch me like that were flooding my head. I kept thinking, “You know that I have issues with that, so why did you just jump in and start doing that?” It wasn’t just that he was doing it but the…amount(?) that he was doing. It was like being slapped in the face: “Yes, I know that you don’t always like this, so I’m going to really do it hardcore.” Like that. I felt…violated? But there was no reason for it because I didn’t tell him to stop.

I’m trying to remember fully what happened and I remember a point where the thought occurred to me that I deserved it so I should just take it. At that point, saying stop was no longer an option.

The topping was that other stuff happened and I just couldn’t catch a break on what was going on. It was like taking two things that had the potential to upset me the most and putting them together. It wasn’t the worst stuff that could’ve happened, but it wasn’t good either. Part of me wondered why he would do what he was doing considering my issues but the rest of me reminded me that I stayed quiet. How can I blame him when I didn’t stop him? I can’t. He can’t read minds and I can’t assume that he would be more cautious of certain actions.

Even now my body is all creeped out in certain areas and it makes me shiver.

So, the confusing feelings were: fear, anger, a feeling of betrayal, a sense of deserving to be hurt, the inability to say no, lack of feeling in certain parts of my body, shame…did I miss anything? Hmmm…don’t know. Now I’m left with wondering why I felt scared and feeling dirty and gross until it goes away.

Tomorrow is packed with responsibilities and he’s also home an extra day. Yay…


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, dissociation, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Too many confusing feelings concerning intimacy

  1. Broken Girl says:

    I just want to say that I *think* I know where you are coming from. I’ve had similar experiences, where my husband does something sexually that triggers negative emotions. Though he’s doing nothing wrong when it happens, and he would never want to do anything to hurt me, I sometimes feel that sudden sense of heart-breaking betrayal and pain. I feel it welling up inside me until I want to scream, but I still can’t tell him to stop. For me, I think they are emotional flashbacks because the emotions don’t match the present situation. I’m emotionally in the past, while at the same time being aware that I am in the present. I don’t have a visual flasback, just emotions. I don’t know if that makes sense or if that is at all what you are experiencing…

    Btw, this is only my second time commenting but I’ve been following your blog for a few months ๐Ÿ™‚

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Broken Girl,

      It’s good to see you and thank you for commenting too. ๐Ÿ™‚

      I’m sorry this happens to you as well. I think my therapist would agree with you about the “emotional flashbacks”. I think that’s a good term for it. And I think you pointed out a factor there, which is that the emotions don’t match the current situation. I don’t know about you but for me, because I lack memories other than the one, it’s hard to accept those emotions because I can’t point and say, “Well this specific thing happened to me and that why I feel this way.”

      I’m really glad that you have someone in your life who wouldn’t hurt you intentionally. That’s great. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Broken Girl says:

        I only have two visual memories so I know what you mean about the emotional ones being hard to accept. I think sometimes you just have to trust your intuition. For me, the intensity of the emotions lets me know that it must be tied to something in the past that I don’t remember. I think Freasha is on to something about the powerless feeling. At least, it rings true for me. I hope you find a way to communicate those feelings to your husband. If you do let us know, because I still haven’t figured out how to go about it!

      • CimmarianInk says:

        My therapist agreed with you. She said they were definitely feeling memories as she calls them. She does want me to speak to my husband about it for sure. I’ll write a post about it later. Thank you for your insights and for sharing your own struggles. It made it easier to know that others know what I’m talking about, but I’m very sorry that you have to deal with this too.

        Like I said, I’ll write a post a bit later and we’ll see what comes from it.

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    My insight says it is time for plan B. I think, or was struck with the feeling that you are so triggered by what is happening that you go into a powerlessness that is similar or identical to when your uncle did those things that are now causing you to be triggered. You didn’t think you could say “no” then, and you fall into the same groove now.

    If this rings true, maybe you need to explain all this to your husband. That you thought you could stop him when you needed to but you just can’t. You two are a team and can work on this together. What would work as a signal to him? If he asked you if it was OK, would you be able to answer honestly, even with a gesture? Nod of your head, or a shake, “no”. You have to keep trying different things. I know he is very kind and wants you to enjoy yourself, no matter whose side of the bed you are on :). If you make a plan B and it doesn’t work, you will devise a plan C. When you run out of alphabetical letters, you can go to Roman Numerals. Just don’t stop. I see this as a great opportunity for you both to get even closer.

    That is my 2 cents. It is for you to decide if it feels right.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hey Freasha,

      I have to say that your first statement about powerlessness was interesting to me. I hadn’t thought about it like that but it gave me something to think about now. You’re right, because it’s difficult to speak up if I can’t speak up.

      You made me laugh when I thought of going through the alphabet into roman numerals. ๐Ÿ™‚

      But your point is a good one, which is to keep trying. My therapy appointment day changed so I haven’t seen her since this happened, but I will definitely be bringing it up this week.

  3. meredith says:

    I don’t think you can miss something until you’ve connected with it, actually, so if you haven’t made a conscious connection to this and had some kind of dialogue with someone about it, you didn’t miss anything. Instead, you recognized something that’s been obscure for you until now.

    Have you ever considered writing to your man to let him know you feel confused about all of this and don’t know how to put something so important into words that don’t hurt him… but help, instead? Then, you could put a copy of this post in with your note and put it in an envelope for him to read at his leisure?

    I know this probably sounds insane, but one of the most powerful things about writing YforY last year is that many things I never dreamed of talking to JJ about came up in my columns… and it was really a good experience for us to talk about stuff that was hard for me discuss. It also gave her time to read and digest information in a way that didn’t snow her.

    Just a thought. I never used to be able to have sex in my own bed, and no one slept in my bed with me once I was not with my husband. Period. It was a place for sleeping, and I made a commitment to my innards that my bed was just for me once I was on my own. I was just too freaked to pretend any other way was realistically viable.

    (And… I got over this, in time… so nothing lasts forever and you’re not a freak). It’s really okay to feel the sensitivity and anxiety…. finally. It has to come together sometime or you’ll never figure out how to enjoy your sexuality. Maybe this is the “coming together” stuff.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hey meredith,

      I’m not sure about letting him read my post. Well let me restate that: he doesn’t know about the blog at all, but anyway, I still understand your thought about writing it down. I’m not sure how to do that which is weird considering that writing things out is one of the major ways I deal with this stuff. For some reason the idea of writing something for him to read is freaking me out. Not anything to do with what you said but it’s like I can’t do it for some reason.

      I haven’t had my therapy appointment yet so maybe talking this out with her will help me get some clarity about what I felt etc.

      Right now I’m liking your old idea of the bed just being for sleep. I’ve been anxious every night since this happened and cringing at the thought of that feeling again.

  4. Pingback: When opening up to your spouse or significant other doesn’t go well | Living With Bipolar Disorder, DID and Childhood Abuse

  5. Rapid Cycling says:

    I know what you’re talking about but that kind of thing makes me feel differently (well of course of it would!). I feel crushed, suffocated and trapped. I feel fear and I need to escape. Blah, hate it!

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hey There Rapid Cycling ๐Ÿ™‚

      It is an awful feeling and I’m sorry you experience it as well. Being with another person that closely is very emotional on many levels and I don’t do emotions very well. It’s nice to see you though and I hope you’re taking care of yourself.

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