My husband seemed rather surprised that I was mad at him. He has an amazing talent for thinking that everything is fine for me because it is for him. Not so, and I let him know that yesterday. He was all, “Why are you so grumpy?” and I wanted to smack him. Of course I have never raised a hand to anyone, so this is a feeling not an actual possibility. He actually had the gall to say that he wished I would talk to him more about what’s going on. It was at this point that I’d had enough and I told him that his sarcastic response the other day pretty much nipped any chance of that in the bud. I told him that walking away and watching T.V. after I say something that’s so hugely difficult to talk about, does not encourage me to come to him about anything.
He replied that I had taken his words the wrong way and that he hadn’t meant anything bad by what he’d said. He said that he had been processing what I told him and what it meant for us and how he would interact with me. He then pulled out the big guns, which is that he’s very tired from work.
This has always been an interesting arguing point with us, because I don’t work any longer since I’m on disability. Therefore, I can’t say that I’m tired from work. He said that he’s going through his own stuff because of being tired. Ok.
Here’s what I was thinking in my head although it’s going to sound extremely selfish. I was thinking: Are you seriously comparing being tired, to my talking about the fact that I was triggered into speechlessness by something intimate that happened between us?
Don’t get me wrong. I do acknowledge and understand that he’s tried because work is really busy right now. I get that, which is why I didn’t hit him with that conversation as soon as he came home. He made a point of telling me though that I picked a bad time to talk about it because he had been tired. Ok. In all honesty, and he has said this himself: there is never a good time with him.
I heard him and then I proceeded to snap, which I never do. I told him that I had been laying in bed every night since we were together, feeling scared that he was going to slide over in that bed again. I told him that I had been dealing with it enough and it needed to be said so that I could stop having nights like that. I asked him exactly how much longer I should have waited and just kept laying there frozen at night.
He said that we both have stuff we’re dealing with then. I found that conclusion unsatisfactory as the comparison pisses me off.
I think that right here I want to clarify something. I don’t give my husband a hard time about work or being tired or pretty much anything. Actually he would tell anyone that I have never nagged him about anything. That’s not me. When he’s home, whether it’s in the evening or on the weekend or a holiday, the house is his. Because I’m home more, when he’s home, he can do whatever he wants. That was my decision, my way of letting him relax. I don’t have a list of things for him to do, ever. He can’t make the cliché jokes that society makes about women because I’m not like that and he knows it.
That being said, I don’t think that he can say that his being tired is the same as anything I’m dealing with. I find the thought insulting. And no, I don’t go on and on talking about it. I’m not looking for attention but c’mon? Really?
Anyway, that’s kind of how things were left. At this point I’m not interested in talking about it with him anymore. He won’t let that stand, I know that, and it’s making me angry.
I don’t know what he wants from me. He’s doesn’t even read the news because he finds it too negative. How do you talk to someone like that? His life was safe. He grew up knowing without a doubt that he was loved. Nothing bad ever happened to him. I’m glad for that. I wouldn’t want it any other way because I love him. But, if someone refuses to look at what’s happening in the world, how do you talk to them about something like this?
It never occurred to him when the Sandusky stuff hit the fan, that maybe I needed to talk about it. He just shut down the conversation because he didn’t want to hear it. Just like other people who closed their ears to it. That makes me feel like he wouldn’t want to hear anything I have to say about my own feelings or experiences either.
It’s not that I want to talk to him about everything, because I don’t. No way. Hell, I don’t want to talk about any of it. But feeling a person’s disgust and general refusal to acknowledge that these things are happening is difficult too.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who’s too difficult to live with. Maybe I make everything bad.