There’s pain and then I keep hitting this wall.

After yesterday…wait, was it yesterday? I guess so. Anyway, I felt really raw and vulnerable. It was not a good feeling. There was a lot of mental anguish and pain that I couldn’t seem to process.

I know that I’m still reacting to the last few days even though my husband and I had a more extensive conversation yesterday and came to some form of agreement about some things. There was still some anger and frustration and irritation even then.

To illustrate: when I attempted to explain how I felt in certain areas by using the Sandusky case as an example, he responded by telling me that I shouldn’t be looking at those things anyway. I replied that it was impossible to escape the story in the early days and that he didn’t have the right to tell me what I should and should not think about. I told him that his outlook on life is based on not looking at the world around him in many instances. He agreed that he chooses not to open himself up to those realities even though he knows that these things happen. He said that he doesn’t want to hear about that stuff. I told him that I can understand not wanting to be inundated with lots of negative stories but I told him that I’m very aware of his attitude in this area and that it makes me feel like he would extend that viewpoint to my own experiences. He responded by saying that he doesn’t see the point in dredging these things up or reading stories about other people’s situations or several other things that I mentioned. I told him that because he had no experience in this area he needed to accept that  he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

He’s a very smart man intellectually, and it’s not easy for him to acknowledge that he doesn’t know something. But, in this instance he did admit that. Once that happened, it was like a barrier came down, we were able to come to a level of understanding. I explained my confusion and inability to speak up recently. He explained how he process things that I tell him.

I acknowledged that I hadn’t realized that when I first brought this stuff up this week that it wasn’t a good time for him. We both agreed that in the future I would tell him that I had something important to discuss with him and he would let me know when it was a good time so he could listen and process the information more easily. Progress.

That brings me back to what’s going on. Yesterday it felt like I was on the verge of tears constantly. Of course I didn’t cry, but you know that feeling your eyes get when you’re about to? It was like that. When my husband and I were talking things out my throat felt tight and my voice would crack like I was about to cry. I was horrified at the very thought and angry at myself for even feeling a hint of that kind of weakness. It was shameful to sit there talking vaguely about these matters and to feel that pressure in my eyes and the closing up in my throat. Disgusting. And it was over what? It was humiliating, and I can only be grateful that my eyes did not water nor did I cry at all. Thank goodness I had some shreds of control over myself.

Despite taking my sleep meds, I stayed up all night and the medication barely phased me.

Anyway, I keep feeling this emotional turmoil and a pain that’s almost physical in its forcefulness. It makes me feel unworthy and unloved. It’s almost like this thing with my husband started something rolling and even though we made up, my emotions are all messed up now.

I get hit with feelings of shame and the desire to just go away somewhere and be alone. I feel responsible for everything and I feel like I don’t deserve to be around people. The pain got so great at one point that it was like my brain physically hit a wall that separated an even larger portion of pain from me. It was an odd feeling, like my brain was sectioned off inside and I couldn’t access the other side of this wall but I was aware that it was there.

That’s enough whining from me. I hope people find some form of happiness this weekend…


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Incest, Intimacy, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to There’s pain and then I keep hitting this wall.

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    This looks like progress to me. Your husband is just slow on the uptake. It makes sense, you telling us he is highly intelligent. He is taking time to analyze everything, I bet. Sounds like he doesn’t have very good access to his own feelings, either.

    Just one thing. Your mother is winning the “don’t cry no way no how, never or you’ll be a dirty, shame-filled weenie”. I wish you could cry (sorry if I sound like a broken record). [Oh, a teacher recently told me that he was telling a boy who was repeating whatever-it-was that he sounded like a broken record and the boy asked him what a record was.] She was terribly scared of emotions. You don’t have to be. They are good. She was wrong.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Yes he does analyze everything. 🙂 It can be a good quality but when dealing with emotions and vague, confusing issues, it can be a hindrance sometimes. We’re definitely better than we were though, which is good because we don’t function well when we’re out of sync.

      Ah, yes the crying…broken records are fine 😉 I know that my mother had a huge influence on the idea that crying is weakness. That has been one of the hardest beliefs for me to shake and I just can’t seem to allow it to happen. It’s always funny to me because my therapist always gets so happy when I cry even if it’s like two tears. Not this time but I keep trying to remember that it’s not supposed to be a bad thing.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    I wonder if the need to cry, was because you were feeling heard, and seen, by your husband? That can be a powerful connection.

    Showing emotion can make you vulnerable, and vulnerability opens you up to others… that takes strength… So yeah, I’m in the “crying is a sign of strength” camp 🙂

    Take care of yourself,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      My therapist and I had a long discussion about crying therapy this week. Especially about my feelings about being weak or appearing to want attention. We latched onto a couple of good points for me to think about. My therapist now wants me to watch movies that show people crying and that will possibly make me cry. She wants me to get more comfortable with it. She recommended Terms Of Endearment which I haven’t seen since I was younger. I don’t know about that idea…

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