Skittish about sex and my reasons for thinking of instigating it aren’t romantic

I keep having this message repeat in my head which I know if from my mother: You must have sex regularly or your husband will cheat on you.

That’s the message and I’m always aware of it if we haven’t been intimate for more than a few days. If a week milestone hits then I automatically start to think that I’d better do it soon or he’ll start looking elsewhere. Is this thinking based on anything about my husband as ย a person? Nope. Do people cheat? Yes. Is our marriage immune from that? No way because no one’s is. Is that a good enough reason to have sex? I don’t know.

After those questions I’m left with the knowledge that I don’t want to have sex right now. Ok, I have sexual desire yes, but the thought of actually being touched is notย palatable. I can imagine how things will go in my head. Either I’ll be okay or I won’t. If I’m okay, then fine. If I’m not then that will suck. Even if I’m okay, there seems to be a reaction after sex of my hormones going bonkers and the desire to engage in compulsive behavior amplifies by about a hundred. Why is that? I have no idea…

So the question is: what do I do? Do I listen to the message in my head that says I need to put out? Do I reason that since I feel desire, everything will be okay? Or do I think about the fact that I don’t want to and consider that fact important? Do I brush it off and go ahead with something that may mess me up?

My husband says he’s fine waiting until I’m ready. I can’t guarantee when that will be so I don’t see that waiting on me is any good because…message heard: he’ll cheat if I don’t do it.

See not romantic at all. I don’t know what to do because if I don’t do it I’ll torture myself with thoughts of him looking at some woman at work that I’ve never seen or even heard about.

My thought process ends up being like his fidelity is a meter. The meter goes down the longer he doesn’t get sex and when we have sex it fills up again. Then as time goes on the meter starts to go back down. In my mind, if the meter hits a certain point (what point I have no idea) he will cheat. So, I have to keep the meter reasonably full to prevent this.

Yes, this is all in my head but I can’t ignore that people cheat and I my mother unfortunately made this point stick. I remember that she said it like a fact. Probably because the way she got her husband was by cheating with him on his wife. I guess if it were me I’d be worried that he’d do it again too…

Still my head talks to me about this. The meter needs to be filled it says. You better get to it so he doesn’t start looking. Get it done and you can relax for another week.

My fear says: what he tries to touch us? What if we don’t like something? We haven’t come up with a word yet. The thought of being touched is…not good, but there’s pressure there too; pressure to enjoy it.

Gah! I hate this…


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, DID, Incest, Intimacy, Sexual Abuse and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Skittish about sex and my reasons for thinking of instigating it aren’t romantic

  1. NullFuture says:

    To be honest here, I’m operating on low levels of information (just found your blog) and I also tend to be a bit forthright as those who know me will probably say ‘No shit Sherlock’). Here goes anyway.

    The idea of “Screw or you’re screwed” is an ineloquent way of talking about intimacy. No intimacy makes people think that there’s no affection which means they go elsewhere. This doesn’t mean sex. Ok, sex can be a display of it but it’s not necessarily vital (as long as you’re ok with self gratification). Perhaps a little talk about sex etc could do you some good in your relationship but tbh it’s something I’ll skip over because I’m not exactly the best at relationship advice.

    So let’s talk about sex.

    You wonder why you have the reaction you do after sex? Honestly? I’m not trying to be deliberately obtuse, let’s face it, I suffer from ‘too close to the wood to see the trees’ism as much as anyone. Assuming I haven’t pissed you off, the reaction is down to the abuse received in your formative years. I don’t expect you to confront how you felt at the time but as time has passed, a negative psychological reaction has been created (a fun way of saying PTSD) and so you have the compulsive behaviours as a way to remove the psychological pain of the link.

    A therapist would possibly say that you could make a stand, to sever the link, to say “I’ll have sex with someone I want to have sex with. This is NOT the same of someone taking from me, as it has been, this is me giving, that’s the difference”?

    Me? *shrugs* Again, probably not the best person to ask for one reason or another, but you probably need take control of something, be it having sex and telling the past it can fuck off, or not having sex and telling the cheat-o-meter it can kiss your ass.

    But then life’s never that simple is it

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi NullFuture,

      Your last couple of sentences made me laugh ie; telling the cheat-o-meter it can kiss my ass. ๐Ÿ™‚

      It’s true that like is not that simple. It would be great to be able to just say, “Screw this. I’m going to do what I want and I don’t care what happens.” Unfortunately, I do care. And yes, there’s obviously a reaction to the past that’s making itself felt in my present.

      I’m going to talk about this with my therapist and see if she can give me some clarity of thought.

      Thanks for coming by and commenting. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Pandora says:

    I’ve got to sleep on this one hun, but so much resonates with me in what you’ve written that I wanted to at least say, “wow, me too,” before I explore it more. I totally get so much of this.

    More tomorrow. xxx

  3. Rapid Cycling says:

    Damned if you do and damned if you don’t ๐Ÿ™‚ I simply don’t because if I do then things start happening to me that I don’t like and I’ve not figured out yet. I also can’t differentiate whether “I’ want to do it or it is repetitive abuse behaviour wanting me to do something. I don’t want to feed the abuse behaviour – I want to get rid of it :S I don’t understand it and I don’t trust it so I don’t do it ๐Ÿ™‚ What my H does is his business, I can only control me. My mum said the same thing – all men cheat! Not true mum! S*x is not a necessity, it is icing on the cake. It is the cake that is important to me right now ๐Ÿ™‚ I get what you are meaning about compulsive behaviours after it too. Mine are before it, I re-live my abuse scenario thru behaviours/rituals – I have figured that much out so I don’t want to feed it by finishing off the pattern and having s*x – just for now anyway ๐Ÿ™‚ L

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Rapid Cycling,

      There can be a lot of layers to the issue of sexuality after abuse can’t there? You make a good point about only being able to control what you do, not what your husband does. I think for me though that my thinking is very much stuck on the idea that my not having sex with him will contribute to him cheating. Like maybe he wouldn’t on his own if I just make sure that he’s having sex enough. That sounds so wrong doesn’t it? Even I know it.

  4. meredith says:

    One thing that occurred to me is that the voice in your head is your mother’s. I say this because in the opening paragraph you wrote : “I keep having this message repeat in my head which I know if from my mother: You must have sex regularly or your husband will cheat on you.”

    I think, considering the way you’ve described your mother, that your mother’s advice probably isn’t very helpful in this situation. Or any, maybe… (sorry, just had to go there)

    Anyway, it’s not your voice, it’s your mother’s, and her rationale isn’t relevant in this situation. I don’t think so, anyway. She didn’t exactly set the best example for you on how to have relations with a man… and I’m thinking it’s a good thing you’re questioning the idea.

    What happens if you take your mother’s voice out of the equation? What do you hear, then? (rhetorical question, here) I think the question regarding whether you’re talking about sex or intimacy is great.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      You can go there meredith ๐Ÿ™‚ I know that it’s my mother’s voice in my head. It’s odd that out of the many sick and twisted things she told me throughout my life, that I was able to disregard some things but I held onto to other ones. I don’t know why that is.

      You asked an interesting question: what would I hear if I took my mother’s voice out of the equation? It’s very difficult to do that actually. She kind of talks over anything that I might be thinking on my own.

      Sounds like an issue for therapy this week woohoo!

  5. Broken Girl says:

    I have similar thoughts and I think your meter metaphor is a good way to describe how I think about it. In my case I don’t recall anyone specifically telling me that a man will cheat if you don’t have sex with him often enough. I learned from experience that my body was all that males wanted from me and they weren’t going to stick around if I didn’t give it to them. So I think the thoughts about cheating are an extension of that. Personally, I feel like my husband and I have to have sex every 2-3 days. If we go longer than that it makes me feel uncomfortable and by the 1 week milestone I feel like I HAVE to do it. I know my husband isn’t the same as these other men, and it doesn’t seem like your husband is either, but it can be really difficult to get these thoughts out of your head when they’ve become so ingrained. I guess I don’t have any advice since I’m in the same boat, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. Knowing that makes me feel a little better sometimes.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      I have to admit that your thoughts do make me feel like less of a freak ๐Ÿ™‚ But I’m sad that you’ve been treated in a such a way that you’ve felt your body was all people wanted from you. You deserve better than that. It seems that the message can be put in our heads either directly or through bad experiences.

      My therapist suggested that I explain my meter idea to my husband and see his reaction. He already knows that I sometimes think like that, but I’ve never explained the “meter”. I don’t think he’d like it and I’m sure he’d find it insulting. I think she wants me to see and hear his reaction though so that I stop thinking that way.

      • meredith says:

        As dangerous as this feels, I’m going to add my two cents: I think your therapist is right about explaining the meter thing. Having said that, it would probably be worthwhile to do it in a stress-reduced environment… and tell hubby the meter thing in terms of Mommy’s School of Mayhem.

        It wasn’t your idea, after all. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Good idea meredith ๐Ÿ™‚ My husband is well aware that my mother is twisted and he has zero respect for her as do I. If I put it in context, like you said it wasn’t my idea, he’ll get it.

  6. i am coming in late, and i’m not really up to much so this may be a superficial reading, but felt the need to respond. i think it’s not so much about having sex that matters, but about having good/meaningful sex. if your partner (speaking generally here- yours is obviously husband) cares not so much about what piece of meat he puts his penis in as long as he ejaculates, then your mother is correct- it needs to be you or it could well be someone or something else. but she isn’t- that’s a wrong opinion. sex in a relationship should be about a shared experience. if you can’t *join* him in sexual union (sometimes the old terms are the best, unfortunately!) then you should not be doing it, whilst maintaining lines of communication for him to know wassup.
    am worried about you more generally, so hope stuff starts to swing back into wellbeing. (the meter thing got to me, obviously!)

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