Yesterday was heavy, today I’m riding the wave of starvation


After therapy I felt pretty drained and just all around sad. I was sitting on my couch wishing that I could lose some time. I wanted to go away for a while just to get away.

We had some drops in  temperature that caused the fibromyalgia to kick up which didn’t help but I can handle that. At one point my husband, as a way of saying goodnight, said that he hoped my pain went away, and in my mind I almost laughed bitterly thinking, “Which pain is that?”

I felt like crying yesterday but of course I didn’t. What’s new. However I was quite proud of myself for only eating 889 calories. I was happy about it but I can’t share that with my husband. I exercised for over an hour today, hoping to add some oomph to yesterday’s success. well, it’s not a total success because my goal is 800 calories a day, but I was close. I’m also looking at percentages and if I remember correctly, that number was about 47% of my recommended caloric intake. Seeing that number made me feel good too. As of now the day is more than halfway over and I haven’t eaten anything yet which is also good.

Everyday for almost a month, has been about a daily weigh-in and keeping track of every single calorie I put in my mouth. I’ve been experimenting with taking laxatives and there’s a certain satisfaction from getting things out of my body. I haven’t figured out which one I want to use more since I have several types but I’ll mess with it.

As an odd side-note I also noticed that I enjoy taking those pills just for the sake of swallowing a bunch of pills. It made me wonder how many I could take without messing my intestines up.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Yesterday was heavy, today I’m riding the wave of starvation

  1. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    Please talk to your therapist about this. This is very worrying…
    Do you know what you’re trying to achieve with the restrictions and laxative use?

    Take care,
    CG

    • CimmarianInk says:

      All I know is what I see when I look in the mirror. I see a very grotesque person who seems to get wider everyday no matter what I do. I can not eat, I can exercise everyday and she just gets wider and dumpier and more disgusting. The laxative use…I’m not sure. It started out as a way to try and avoid having food sit in my stomach without having to throw it up. It feels like I’ve gotten something bad out of my body and there’s a relief. I can’t explain it.

      I know you have your own difficulties with eating CG, and I’m very sorry for that. What did Allison say to you about it? I don’t know what my therapist could say. She can’t make me thin by using good vibes and positive feedback (her specialty), you know what I mean?

      • castorgirl says:

        CI, you’ve given me everything but your motivations for why you’re doing this… That’s why I suggested that you talk with your therapist about it.

        No one is going to be able to “make you thin”; or rather, make your brain think that you’re thin. I’ve now lost what Allison has described as a “significant” amount of weight; but each number is the “new fat” number. So it’s become a very scary cycle. What I found by talking about my weight, is that it isn’t about my weight at all… for me, it’s about no one understanding, or seeing the pain that I’m in. Weight loss is a way to show the world that I hurt… it’s also about a whole list of other reasons (control, etc); but finding out those motivations is key.

        Take care,
        CG

      • CimmarianInk says:

        I hear you. That is a scary cycle CG but I also understand the need to show you’re hurting even if you can’t say it out loud. I don’t know what my motivations are honestly. I’m not really in touch with the why, there’s just the need. I’m sitting here and I wondered why I’m so tired. Then I remembered that I haven’t eaten still. And I just don’t care. I’m sorry. I’m causing trouble and I should just shut up and quit whining. I didn’t mean to come off all attitudy.

      • castorgirl says:

        You’re not causing trouble, and you’re not whining… You need to keep talking about this stuff, as that’s the only way you’ll understand it, and find a way through it.

        Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that someone else has a “worse” eating issue than you… what you describe in this post is serious and needs tending to. I strongly suggest talking to your therapist. Keep talking here, as much as you want, but we can’t see you and give you that reality check that someone can give you that physically can see you.

        I also don’t sense any attitude from you… but I know how this can be a sensitive issue, so can understand why you would be feeling an attitude.

        Take care,
        CG

      • CimmarianInk says:

        I didn’t actually feel any attitude, I just worried that the typed words would come off wrong. I’m glad it didn’t. As it stands, I went into the bathroom to take my nighttime meds, and I know I took something, but I’m not sure it was the right pill. Either I’ll be up all night or I lucked out and took the right thing. As to your suggestion to talk to my therapist, it would have to wait until next week appointment-wise. It’s weird that something just clicked today and I haven’t needed to eat.

  2. Just me says:

    I agree with CG here you really need to talk to a therapist about this. I know because I have very similar same thoughts and ideas and months ago I promised myself when I reach this weight that I am now I would be happy, I wouldn’t stress I could stop counting calories but you know what I have not and if anything the desperate need to reach that impossible goal has only gotten stronger. I am not anorexic by any means I have a healthy bmi but I still do struggle with food and do have huge emotional eating problems and if I am not careful and do not take care of them now I fear for where I will end up. As hard as it is you need to open up to your therapist about it. Good luck with it I know how difficult it is.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi justme, I’m sorry you struggle with eating issues. Having a healthy bmi is a good goal and I’m sorry that the trouble hasn’t eased for you. I feel bad getting all this attention from you guys. It makes me feel pathetic. No matter…I still appreciate the concern. Thank you. 🙂

  3. meredith says:

    Ci, I’m glad you wrote this post. The only thing I want to say about eating so few calories is that it’s going to screw up your meds, it’s likely to trigger a bipolar episode… and you hate those episodes. You write about how much you hate them.

    Are you sure you really want to attach yourself this kind of crisis? It sounds like wicked punishment, but I sure do relate.

    m.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Well, since I walked into my bathroom yesterday and popped a pill without knowing what I was taking, I proceeded to stare at the ceiling until 3 or 4 this morning, at which point my husband ordered me to take some backup Seroquel I have. About 3 hours of sleep is guaranteed to make me a bipolar mess today. That’s a done deal. I have no idea how I went in there and took something without knowing what it was. I remember putting something in my mouth and turning back around but that’s it. Out of curiosity meredith, how would my current “diet” mess up my meds? I’m seriously asking…

      • meredith says:

        Okay, and I’m seriously telling you, now. I’m not being silly.

        Your body starts to feed on itself when you don’t feed it. Your brain is feeding on its’ own proteins so that it can keep functioning. This interrupts how your neurons fire, which means your thought patterns are off track. By not eating, you’re actually setting the stage for a bipolar episode… or perception distortions that don’t seem distorted, but something tells you they are. Hunger screws up your sleep, which screws up your brain even more.

        When you’re going to therapy and working through really tough mental stuff, you need good proteins, lots of fluid. The less you eat, the less fluid your body has to work with, so make sure you drink water–or flavored water–at the very least. When you’re dehydrated, your brain shrinks… you get headaches.

        Anyway… I learned to eat tuna salad and hard boiled eggs with dark greens so that I had something healthy going in when unhealthy stuff was messing with my life. Protein shakes are good, too. Really good, actually.

        I don’t know if this helps, but at least keep drinking fluids while you work this out. Gatorade is a good friend at times like this. You can dilute it if you start to freak about calories, but at least you’ll have the fluids, and that’s a really big, damn deal.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Ok. I’m listening. I am, honest. It’s not fixed, no way is it fixed but I noticed that my brain was barely able to function and I had some toast etc. and I now feel like a fat, disgusting pig. I can literally feel the weight piling on and it makes me ill.

        The fluids don’t sound like a bad idea, so maybe I can tolerate that because food just makes me sick. I ate and and the thought of eating more is nauseating.

      • meredith says:

        If you can just see that this is where you’re at right now and make sure you give yourself lots of fluids and kindness while you download all the other stuff from the week… you win!

  4. meredith says:

    P.S. YOU’RE RIGHT ABOUT THE CONCERN, by the way…

    Why? Because you’re loved. Like it or not, you’re deeply loved and cared about, and this might trigger a horrible landslide of sympathetic responses that brings the community to its knees with despair, moaning, begging… and more snow. Who knows where this could go? Oh, my stars… and the repercussions of not having your input, or your input becoming ‘crazy like meredith’… this is… well!

    You need a magic carpet ride over those beautiful mountains–right at sunrise, girl–and a horse, and fresh air…

    … and I’m too bossy for my pants, too bossy for my life, too bossy for my friends, and it’s all about me, so stop taking all the attention… and do what I tell you so we can think of something else to do besides criminalize our bodies… and then everything will be much better.

    Maybe.

    I don’t know for sure.

    (Are you going to laugh at this, or should I just stop, now?)

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