Well, the scale isn’t going to help at ALL

Just weighed myself, as I do everyday and I lost 4 lbs overnight. I’m sure there’s water weight or something to that but seeing the number gave me what maybe people who do drugs feel like when they take a hit. I have no idea since I’ve never done drugs, but I’m just  using an example.

So, the question is: how is one expected to stop unhealthy eating habits when they get results? I’m serious. After seeing that number, it’s like the most important thing in the world right now. I woke up this morning after 3 hours of sleep (because I took a pill that wasn’t my sleep med) and I’m not remotely hungry. I’m not trying to be difficult, I just don’t know how to eat right now and I can’t find a reason to do it.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
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16 Responses to Well, the scale isn’t going to help at ALL

  1. castorgirl says:

    Can you throw away the scales?

    • CimmarianInk says:


      I actually had to laugh a little at my reaction to that question. It was like, “Pardon!?” in a funny way. If I didn’t do a daily weigh-in…man, I don’t know what would happen.

      All kidding aside, I couldn’t because we’ve got this special scale that I bought that digitally keeps track of each of our weights and goals separately. My husband uses it too to stay healthy and if I tried to get rid of it he’d want to know why, which is a big no-no. I can’t tell him what I’m doing because he’d hound me to death over it until I ate. Then I’d feel sick and fat.

      • castorgirl says:

        Your responding that you can’t throw away the scales doesn’t surprise me; nor did your reaction to the question…

        I’m not sure if I can put this delicately, so this will probably be blunt, and harsh… For a minute can you step outside the immediate feelings about the food stuff, and consider the message you are sending with what you have written, and are doing… To me, you’ve just said that the numbers on a scale are more important than your health – are you sure about that?

        Does your husband really need scales in the house to monitor whether he is healthy or not? Isn’t the determined by how he feels within himself, his diet and all sorts of other factors?

        Please consider of the short, and long term health implications this will have on your body and mind… Please talk about this with your therapist…

        With much concern,

      • CimmarianInk says:

        CG, you somehow manage to be kind when you think you’re being harsh and blunt…

        If I was going to answer your question honestly? Yes, the numbers matter more than my health. I figure that I won’t die because I’m not starving myself everyday. Yesterday was just a really good day. Today I’ve already messed up and eaten almost 800 calories so this day is a bust. I won’t die from eating a small amount of calories so I can’t find it in me to care.

        I will say that I feel extremely bad that you’re concerned. I feel like a jerk for even making you think about me for one second longer than needed. You have enough going on in your life without me adding to it and I’m sincerely sorry for that. I should have thought about the possible reaction before I posted my thoughts about this and I didn’t. I’m really sorry.

      • castorgirl says:

        Don’t you dare apologise for expressing yourself appropriately on your own blog! You are hurting, and you need to talk about things… you have every right to do so. My concern is just that, my concern. It is for me to deal with and work through; but I wanted to let you know of it, so that you would know that people out here care for you, and are worried.

        It’s interesting that you say that you won’t die from what you’re doing; and yet, when I talked to Allison about my eating, she called it a suicide attempt. I’m not going to lie to you… what you and I are doing to our bodies has short and long term health implications. It can lead to death. Please don’t fool yourself on that one.

        Healthy is not a number on the scales… It is being able to smile at people, look others in the eye without fear, not fearing food… all sorts of stuff like that. That’s got nothing to do with numbers on scales.

        As I said yesterday, this is important… you need to talk about this. It’s only through talking about it with people that you might be able to understand the real motivations for what’s happening.

        Take care,

      • CimmarianInk says:

        What Allison said made me think “Ouch!”

        It’s interesting to me that I have been worried about you in this area for a while and I know that I want you to be ok and healthy. But, I can’t put myself in there with you. Is it odd that when the idea of ending up in the hospital with my organs failing from lack of sustenance popped up in my head, it didn’t bother me?

        Maybe it’s because I’m thinking that people who really starve themselves don’t eat at all or from what I read, they maybe eat 200 calories a day. I’m thinking that because I’m trying to limit myself to 800 calories a day (and failing at it often) that it’s not dangerous. For some reason I can’t make myself think that this bad for me. Not really.

        Your comment about what healthy is…wow, that got me because I obviously can’t do those things. Looking at myself in the mirror is a horrible experience so there’s no way I’m looking anybody in the eye if I don’t have to.

        CG, since you know that this is unhealthy, how are you trying to help yourself? Again, I’m asking in all seriousness.

      • castorgirl says:

        CI, you need to be realistic about what constitutes a healthy calorie intakes per day. Anything under 1200 calories is considered to be a “starvation diet”. The average intake of a person with anorexia nervosa is 600–800 calories per day.

        This is not something that I would wish on anyone. It is not cool, or desirable.

        You are working on healing, you are doing lots of good stuff to help you get to the point where you can look people in the eye, and more. Don’t lose sight of that great work.

        Take care,

      • CimmarianInk says:

        I swear the librarian in me just said : “What references do you have to backup those numbers?” I seriously hope that my humor over my own reaction isn’t missed in the writing. I’m not remotely kidding when I say that I now have to go and research what you said.

      • castorgirl says:

        I was going to add the references, but thought you should find them out yourself… 🙂

        You may not find the “starvation diet” one easily, as that’s the wording that comes up on an app I saw the other day. It says that anything under 1200 puts your body into starvation mode which can mean that weight loss slows.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        You’re such a librarian CG 😛

        I did look it up and I saw a few references giving some caloric ranges. It hasn’t changed my thinking because I’ve often failed to keep that 800 calorie range. I guess I don’t see it as a problem if I can’t stick to it everyday. I messed up yesterday and ate some crackers in the evening that pushed my calories to the “normal” range. I was pissed and then when I weighed myself this morning, of course! I had gained a pound back…that number is haunting me right now.

        See, a big issue is that, I’ve never been able to lose all the weight I gained on the psych meds over the years. I still have about 15 lbs or so to go and I’ve been struggling with those pounds for several years. Every time I make good progress in a healthy way ie; healthy diet and exercise, I end up having to change meds and I gain those pounds back. Then inevitably I end up going off the new med because something bad happens and then I have to fight all over again to lose the weight again. And the cycle repeats.

        I guess I’m saying this because even though I’m not as fat as I was, I’m still overweight. People say I look great but that’s because A) I carry my weight in my height so it doesn’t look as fat and B) Because they say that in comparison to how huge I was before which means nothing.

        So if one is actually overweight, then using whatever means necessary to lose that weight doesn’t sound as harmful as someone who is already thin doing so.

        I’m just explaining my thinking.

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    This sounds like a classic symptom of depression. Or anorexia. Or some addiction or other. You have stated yourself that it isn’t healthy. I hope you have or will take this up with your therapist. But believe me, I understand the drive to be thin, even though I am not willing to starve myself, so I have a little paunch. All things considered, being healthy is the main goal. Right?

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Healthy is good and I connect healthy with a specific number. It’s like, until I reach that number, nothing is right with the way I look.

      I’m considering talking to my therapist but I don’t want to because she’ll just be against what I’m doing.

  3. attached says:

    I am concerned about you and your health. While I understand the desire to be thin and the excitement of losing weight I’m sure you know that starving your body isn’t caring for yourself. Please try and talk about it with your T so she knows what you are struggling with. Maybe by talking about it you will be able to discover what needs you are trying to fill by controlling your eating and weight obsessively and discover other ways to fill those needs. I’m sorry if this comment comes across negatively (judgemental, stupid, pointless) because I don’t mean it that way. I care and am trying to express that caring but I have no experience with food restriction so I apologize if this makes things worse.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hey Di 🙂

      Don’t worry, you didn’t say anything wrong or negative. I appreciate the concern and I’m starting to feel like a class-A D-bag for even saying anything about this here.

  4. Freasha1964 says:

    Don’t feel bad for telling us about this. I think we all want (as in WANT) to help you and see you succeed in your struggle to free yourself from the chains that slowly strangled you in your childhood. If we don’t know, we are unlikely to help.

    I know you have been through at least one round of this with your therapist. She knows these things don’t go away after the first cursory discussion. Or the tenth intense discussion, I imagine. If you feel too much shame, could you just tell her that you have been doing something again that you aren’t proud of and let her lead you from there?

    Maybe you and CG can pretend to see each other when you look in the mirror? (Sounds like CG is in the middle of a similar issue, too? Or did I get the tense mixed up?)

    • CimmarianInk says:

      You didn’t get the tense mixed up Freasha.

      And yes, I have been through one round of this with my therapist.The last time I mentioned it to her, she kind of made it sound like a simple thing to just stop it and make sure that I take care of the hurt little girl inside me that needs care. I didn’t like the implication that it was that easy so I don’t like the idea of bringing it up again.

      Honestly, if I tell her, it will be because all of you have asked me to. It’s out of respect for people who care enough to say something. I have no desire to stop, especially because I’ve failed to keep myself within the caloric range that I want on a regular basis. Maybe if I had been successful for a few weeks already but I haven’t.

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