I’m feeling pretty pissed and frustrated today.
I had therapy and I told my therapist that I would not be bringing up my eating habits if I didn’t feel a sense of responsibility to my readers who were concerned and asked me to talk to her about it.
I casually rattled off the information: how many calories I was restricting myself to, the fact that I had lost 8 pounds in 9 days, and after her eyes almost fell out of her head. I remembered to mention the laxatives, at which point I thought she was going to have a stroke.
She told me I have an eating disorder. I told her that fat people can’t have eating disorders. She said that it’s not about a person’s weight, it’s about the obsessiveness with food and weight etc. and that yes, I have one. (She doesn’t think I’m fat but according to medical standards and myself, I am.)
*Commence annoying lecture that sounds like health class from junior high*
I sat there completely disinterested as she went on and on about how the body needs food to function and people who eat the way I am have heart attacks and organ failure. She guaranteed me that I would have consequences from this behavior if I continued.
I couldn’t care less. It was like hearing that teacher on Charlie Brown talking. Just irritating noise.
I noticed that she watched me constantly while she chided and gave a speech worthy of an elementary school play about the basic food groups.
“You need 9 servings of fruits and vegetables everyday, and you need 3 servings of whole grains, and 3 servings of protein, a serving would be like a small deck of cards or a handful of nuts…”
That’s a direct quote via the notes I took to get her to shut up.
What the hell was this? An after-school special?
She started suggesting foods like oatmeal, bananas, yogurt, fish, walnuts and she said that I needed to eat all this stuff at 3 meals a day. I proceeded to take out my calorie counter to see the damage this crap would do and she told me to put it away and that I wasn’t allowed to count calories anymore. I almost laughed in her face. Maybe I did.
I’m pretty sure I rolled my eyes and I told her that I didn’t think I could do that. She said that people who eat in a normal way don’t count calories. *No shit. They’re skinny*
She also banned the laxatives, which was fine by me as I was beginning to worry about what they were doing to my insides.
The rest didn’t mean a damn thing to me. We spent the entire session with her telling me how I was going to eat form now on and promising that I would lose weight if I did things her way.
I was pretty pissed the entire visit. You’re my therapist and I tell you that I’m eating 800 calories a day and that I’ve been working on this diet for a while now to perfect it. You launch into a government approved speech about nutrition and that’s supposed to do what?
Am I supposed to see the light and say, “Of course! What was I thinking! I just need to eat fruits and vegetables and grains and everything will be awesome!”
Seriously? Just like that huh? You think that one speech is going to fix my behavior? Does it look that easy? *Anger*
I just sat there feeling rebellious and unheard. I felt like she didn’t hear anything that I said even though she obviously did because she ranted about food.
There was about 2 or 3 minutes left in the session and I asked her, “What if this is about more than food or weight? My readers seem to believe that there’s some other motivation going on.”
She replied with an ecstatic, “Oh my gosh! Of course there is! There is definitely something else going on here!”
I said, “There is?” in a confused voice.
She said, “Absolutely! You’re just using this to hide from what’s really going on, so you don’t have to deal with it. If you eat the way I’m telling you to, then the real issue will come up and we can deal with it.”
I’m thinking: why the hell didn’t we talk about this at all during the session? It seems to me that motivations should come first before you plan my new, shiny diet.
She also warned me that anxieties will come up as I adjust my eating and that I need to keep track of it so we can talk about it.
All-in-all I feel pretty angry. I had a sandwich when I got home as a goodwill gesture and a couple of snacks. They sat in my stomach and I felt sick on several levels. This morning I got up and I had gained 1.2 pounds. Fabulous…
I decided right there that I can’t do her diet. A) It’s boring as hell. At least my way I could still get a taste of things I liked, just in teeny bites. 2)I don’t have the energy to make meals to her standards. It takes a ridiculous amount of energy for me to cook during the week and that’s cooking the stuff I know.
I just took a bit of banana while I was sitting here typing, and my stomach cramped up. Yuck. My way works a lot better and if I had stuck to it I would have lost more weight, not gained it.
Oh! And to top things off I just got my disability review paperwork to fill out. This will be the first time they review my status to see if I will continue to get disability benefits for being Bipolar. It makes me ill. I have to dig up dates of doctor’s visits and hospital stays and I have to hope that they agree that I’m still disabled. Whether they do or not doesn’t change the fact that I can’t work. It would mean that we’d have to live on just one income.
I would love to work. I miss working, I’m just not reliable. My mood changes from one moment to the next and I can’t keep a job like this. Even in regular life right now I’m not reliable. People will say, “Oooh, it must be nice to just stay home all the time.”
It’s not nice. It sucks and my mind torments me everyday. I can hardly leave the house anymore and my moods are mercurial enough to throw me off-balance.
Anyway, I get to fill out paperwork and then wait for other people to agree or disagree about what my life is like.