Feeling angry and went on a three day eating bender

I don’t know if I fully realized how angry I am at my therapist. I know that during our last session, I was irritated and ambivalent but the anger didn’t really hit ’til later.

I spent the next several days after that session being pissed off and feeling unheard and I just ate whatever I wanted. I ate chips, and sweets and regular food too. I hated every mouthful and I could literally feel all the weight coming back, which of course it did. What I had managed to lose in 9 days came back in 3, well minus one little pound.

I’m still angry and I’ve stayed angry. I feel like she blew me off by giving the “speech”.

It was like she didn’t hear me, but I can’t tell you what she was supposed to hear. It just seems to me like she shouldn’t have jumped into the lecture without trying to get to the root of the problem that she claims exists. I feel like I was given the company line and then sent out the door with the assumption that all I needed was a “little talking to”.

It makes me feel…insulted I guess? Like what’s going on didn’t require more than a food pyramid speech.

As of this morning when I weighed myself, fully knowing just from the way I feel, that I had gained most of it back, I’m determined to go back to my way. My therapist doesn’t deserve to have me try her way because she didn’t listen or dig at all. I’m wondering if she patted herself on the back after I left, thinking that she had “fixed” me? The thought pisses me off.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Feeling angry and went on a three day eating bender

  1. Broken Girl says:

    I’m still not sure why she approached the issue the way she did and I can understand why you’re angry with her. Maybe you can talk to your therapist about how her approach made you feel and how you think getting to the root of the problem would be more effective than a nutrition lesson. If you can figure out what’s motivating it and work through it, hopefully you won’t feel as strongly about restricting your eating.

  2. Bay says:

    Understand your response, being given the speech would have infuriated us too. Sometimes think we’re there so that therapists can make themselves feel good by showing off what they know. But maybe we’re being a bit cynical.
    Feel sad though, seeing you get caught in a battle with your T, we seem to end up there too often too, and it sucks cos seems like we’re the ones who lose out while she carries on happy enough.
    Would it help to write her a letter explaining how you feel about your reaction and give it to her when you next see her? Seems the only way we can get her to understand where we’re coming from.
    Sorry you’re having food issues, it’s so hard, hard to deal with, and for us at least, hard to accept there’s even a problem. No magical insight, but please take care of yourself, you are important. Think you’re brave to face up to this.
    Gentle thoughts,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thanks Bay, you’re very kind. 🙂

      I will bring this up with her and hopefully she will hear me this time. I’m sorry you’ve gone through difficulties like this as well. It’s not fun and just adds stress. Take care of you too ok?

  3. Freasha1964 says:

    I am quite disappointed with your therapist, too. Maybe that is because I think she is such a good one on the whole. I agree with some of your other readers that you need to let her know how angry you are and have been about her meager and probably incorrectly directed response to your very brave willingness to bring this up in the first place. Several of us encouraged you to tell her, so I for one felt I had a stake in it, too, in that I thought it was going to precipitate a helpful discussion. If she is worthy of your trust, she will come to attention and help you get through the anger with her, plus deal with the original issue – eating. All my own opinion, as usual.

    As for actually losing weight, there is a measured approach that might work better than the crash approach. That would be eating a couple hundred calories less than you need each day for a long time. But I suspect the crash approach is a symptom of the bigger issue at hand, rather than a method of weight loss. Even though I know you do want to lose weight.

    As for the food pyramid, I thought that went out when the egg came back in. Or is the egg out again? I can’t keep track. Coming from a science background I have watched many very central beliefs in science change drastically as the years tick by. Luckily scientists for the most part keep their minds open or science would go nowhere. Just take things with a grain of salt and use your own judgement and intuition, too.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      That was sweet Freasha. It kind of felt like a group thing for me in a way too because I felt like I needed to honor everyone’s concerns because we’re a community here.
      And yes, overall she is a good therapist so I won’t let this mess us up as long as e can come to an understanding.

      With the calorie adjustment you mentioned? That’s how I came to 800. I used a calories calculator to estimate what I’m supposed to take in (using the worst case scenario of being sedentary) and then I cut way past half for good measure.

      I have no idea if we still use the food pyramid or not. You’re so right. Everything keeps changing in the nutritional world.

      • Broken Girl says:

        I’m studying to be a dietitan and they got rid of the pyramid several months ago. Now it’s MyPlate *rolling eyes*. Freasha’s right about taking it with a grain of salt. The USDA bases it’s recommendations on lobbyists, but that’s neither here nor there. I agree with Freasha about cutting back a couple hundred calories from what you need to maintain your weight OR burn off a few hundred through exercise OR do a combination of the two. It will take a little longet to lose the weight but you’ll preserve your muscle mass and keep your metabolism intact…and maybe a little bit of your sanity :). But I don’t think this has as much to do with weight as it does avoidance of your feelings, so that’s definitely what needs to be addressed first. Good luck at your next therapy apointment!

  4. Bourbon says:

    To be honest, people get pretty freaked out about the dangers of crash dieting. From the sounds of it, your therapist was having a slight panic and thought that by going on and on and on about food she’s done her bit to try and “save you”. That’s not her job. I had to see a dietician for some time and even SHE didn’t talk like that. Therapists are supposed to look at the underlying issues which is what you touched on in the last few mins I think you said. Hopefully next time you see her she will concentrate more on her job and not her mothering. No wonder you’re angry and feeling unheard though. Bourbon

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Bourbon,

      I agree with you that she probably did have a freak out. Her facial expressions were rather interesting. And yes, she should take the therapist’s route not the dietician route.

  5. The worst habit I ever learned from being bipolar is binging. I hate it.

  6. Yeah, I would of been irretated too. I hope that you do get to talk to her about it. I bet you could of given yourself that lecture. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple weeks now and It’s clear you do struggle with your eating habits. It’s not easy I know. I struggle also, It’s mainly a control thing for me. It’s one area I feel I can control when everything else in and around me is out of control… I hope you are able to work out what is underneith it all for you. Keep us posted. Nice to meet you.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi IP,

      It’s nice to meet you too. 🙂 I know from others in the community that control can be an intrical part of an eating disorder for sure. I’m sorry you suffer with this. I’ll talk to my therapist this week and see what happens. Thanks for coming by and commenting. 🙂

  7. meredith says:

    I think the “disorder” comes when we believe it’s about food;I think the root cause gets buried if the attention stays on food. Sometimes, getting too close to the real issue triggers me to into a wicked round, and man… I hate that. Yesterday, I threw dishes, instead. The last place I wanted to enter was a bathroom, refrigerator, or kitchen cabinet so I took all the bleeping dishes in the sink and smashed them against the cement outcropping behind the garage and cried.

    Hang tight. My love, support, and totally fierce loyalty for your cause, girl.

    (((love you.)))

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Oh man! I’m so sorry you had to throw dishes to handle what you were feeling. 😦 Did it as least make you feel any better?

      You’ve got my support and loyalty too hun 🙂

      Love ya right back!

      • meredith says:

        Well, I didn’t have to throw dishes… I was just tired of being angrier and angrier the more I work on my stuff, lately… and slammed out the door with the dirty plates that would have gone into the sink… but didn’t. And yeah… it made me feel a lot better, because I screamed like a banshee while I was smashing them, and I am sick of doing dishes and not feeling better. None of the mindfulness stuff worked, and I just lost it.

        I hope everyone was at work.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s