Disability,a hack,my mother and getting ready for therapy face-off


The title pretty much says it all.

After my computer sent all kinds of ridiculous emails to people, I did a full scan and there was no virus. Strangely, both of my security programs had been turned off. My husband saw his were too so he fixed his right away. Anyway, it seems that my email was hacked instead. I’ve never had that happen before so I don’t know what to do except change my password which I did and I also sent emails to anyone that I could see had gotten one from me. Some people got emails about improving sex, others about weight. It was irritating and it freaked me out a bit too. It all happened in one batch with different messages going out, and there were no other emails even before I changed my password. Hopefully that’s done.

There was a consequence of course and I was hoping that it wouldn’t happen though. My mother got one of the emails as her address is still in my contacts in case I should ever have to contact the harpy. She of course replied and asked me if I had sent it or was it fake. Now people, you have to understand that the email was something along the lines of: “Hey fatso’s, lose weight with blah, blah, blah” and the addresses it was sent to weren’t just hers but well-known businesses too. It was obvious that I had not sent the email but she just had to write back anyway, asking me a stupid question as an excuse for contact. She threw in, and I could almost hear the bitter sarcasm, that if I hadn’t sent it, she was sorry she contacted me without my permission.

Ha! Sure she was. There was no doubt that the email was fake as I could see the message that particular group received. I was angry to see her message in my inbox and angry that she even tried to get me to talk to her by asking me if I sent it. My response was to delete the email with no reply.

Moving on. I sent in my disability paperwork the other day and now the waiting begins. Waiting to see if I get to keep my benefits. Waiting for someone else to decide how I am. I have no idea how long this takes and I can only hope that they don’t make me see the government appointed psychiatrist during the review, like they did when I first got approved. That was horrible and I was a shivering pile of mental goo after that guy was done with me. But, it’s been three years and this is the process. Waiting…

Lastly, I will be seeing my therapist and this will be the first time we will talk about last week’s session and the fallout and anger from that. It’s not going to be easy to tell her that she botched it but I’m not going to be rude about it either. I’m simply going to say how it made me feel rather than saying “You did such and such”. Hopefully we can work it out.

What she did manage to do was give me food ideas to incorporate into my low calorie diet, so good for her on that one.

My husband is now also in the loop about the eating because I was so pissed off and not like myself that I spewed about my therapist on the phone with him last week, with therefore alerted him to what I’d been doing. Now he’s paying attention and I don’t like it.

One nice thing was that we went to the store together and bought lots of fruits and vegetables and some fish. He knows that mentally and physically I don’t have it in me to cook very often, so, If I was going to try to eat the way my therapist wants me to, the food would need to be cooked already where I could just heat it up. He took care of that for me and he’s awesome for it.

Of course when we were shopping, he saw healthy fruits and vegetables. I was calculating calories in my head and feeling pleased that they wouldn’t be a danger to my 800 regimen. That’s ok. I’ll keep that to myself.

Last night I was going to have a sandwich and I was reading the label. My husband asked me if I was going to eat and I said yes but that I needed to count the calories first. Yes, I know my therapist forbade that but honestly she can go to hell. My husband made a few suggestions on what I could eat and I said that they had too many calories and I told him how much it was. One was like 250 calories for a serving. He said that was really low so there would be no problem with me eating it. I said it was too many at which point he got mad and proceeded to tell me that I needed to stop being crazy. I remained calm and explained to him that this behavior is, according to my therapist, not really about food or weight. I explained that there’s something else that needs to be worked out first and I can’t just turn it off. He told me that was crazy and stupid. He told me I was being stupid. He went to sit down in the living room and I was still holding this jar of peanut butter which I had been considering spreading on one piece of whole wheat bread. From the living room he continued to tell me I was stupid and crazy so I put the jar away and went upstairs feeling my eyes sting like I was going to cry, but I didn’t. I turned my computer on and played around and he came upstairs and explained that he wasn’t trying to give me grief, he’s just worried. I knew this, so there was no argument and we were fine. It just hurt that’s all. It wasn’t something I needed to hear at that moment. But it was ok. Later in the evening I went ahead and had my peanut butter on wheat. 🙂

We’ll see how therapy goes.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Disability,a hack,my mother and getting ready for therapy face-off

  1. meredith says:

    This is so dear… it’s beautiful when people come together and their genuine commitment to the cause rings true in everything they do, even if the words don’t come out right, even if change isn’t instant, and this is such a wonderful, new path in your life. After the dirge of your mother, you turned around and headed on to the rest of your life, and your therapist and husband were there, ready and waiting for you. Crazy you.

    How great is that?

  2. Pandora says:

    Hello tai

    I’m sorry I haven’t commented much recently. I have read all of your posts, but with everything that’s been going on at home of late, I’ve got a bit behind in catching up with leaving anything. Anyhow, I was really annoyed with your therapist after the session where you told her about eating; prattling on like a bloody teacher about eating is useless. As you rightly said, she should be looking at the causes of your eating behaviour, not preaching at you!

    It’s hardly fair of your husband to call you ‘stupid’ – you’re far from that. Nonetheless, I’m glad he’s there for you. I’m sure it’s annoying to have him sort of monitoring your eating, but it does genuinely seem to be out of love and concern.

    I know from experience how difficult disability claims forms are. Not at all surprised that left you mentally shattered. Do you have an equivalent of the Citizens’ Advice Bureau in the US? Here this organisation can offer free advice to people claiming benefits or having trouble with local government issues and whatnot. I know you’ve already filled in the forms but if there is such an equivalent, they might come in useful in the future?

    So sorry about your mother. As if you needed that on top of everything else 😦

    Sorry this has been such a crap comment, but I wanted you to know I was still around and thinking of you.

    Take care.

    *gentle hugs*

    Pan x

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Pan don’t apologize! I know what’s been going on and even if nothing had been going on you wouldn’t need to apologize.

      Thanks for the empathy, I appreciate it.My therapist and I have since worked it out sort of but I haven’t posted about yet because I’m not ready.

      With the disability, I don’t need help yet. What’s happening is that I got approved for disability 3 years ago and over here Social Security has a timeline they follow to reassess your approval.
      If you have a disability that they think is likely to improve, they review you in maybe 18 months. If you have that they think could possibly improve, they review you in 3 years. If you have one that isn’t as likely to improve, then they review you in 7 years. I fall into the 3 year category right now. So, they’ll be checking my medical records etc. to decide if I’m still disabled. Hopefully things will go smoothly and I won’t have to see their doctor.

      You did not make a crap comment! 🙂 Thank you for caring and hugs back to you.

  3. Alice says:

    im glad your husbands there for you and trying to help, i just hope he works out a way to show he cares without getting frustrated, youre not stupid! And he shouldnt say things like that.
    Take care, Alice x

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    Good on you for deleting your mothers email!!! I know it would have been a shock to the system to see it there, especially as you’ve got so much else going on… so, well done!

    Good luck with the disability application. I know common sense would indicate that you shouldn’t have any trouble with your application and continued coverage… I just hope they reach that decision without you having to go through an assessment of any sort.

    I’m glad you’re looking at different food options, and that your husband is helping you out… Yes, sometimes in the moment of caring, confusion things are said which shouldn’t be… I’m really glad you sorted it out with him.

    I’m a few days behind in your posts, so I’ll see how the session went soon 🙂

    Take care,
    CG

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