Juggling two compulsions. Why do I have to try?

I’m rather pissed off, mostly at myself.

After my session this week, the thought of my responsibility in my own healing must have become rather weighty. I wasn’t immediately aware of it until my behavior changed.

It seems that I must have at least one compulsive behavioral issue or I don’t function.

I was doing really well with the sexual compulsions. I thought. But, when I increased my eating, the urge to masturbate overwhelmed me. If the sexual impulse was gratified, I was able to eat. If I tried to avoid the sexual impulse, then I felt the need to restrict my food again.

This is not ok. I don’t like being some sort of freak who has to have some kind of disorder to live.

Why can’t I have nothing other than bipolar disorder and DID? Is that so much to ask?

Now I feel like a perverted failure again when I give in to one impulse but when I eat, I feel  nauseated and disgusting.

I was sitting at home and the sexual impulse came over me. At the same time I hadn’t had too many calories yet today. When my body and mind began to crawl with that sick desire, I decided to eat a giant Snickers bar. I then promptly recorded my calories and felt like a weak, pathetic loser.

I sat around for a little bit trying to figure out what to do. I decided to try something I’ve never done. I am absolutely terrified of throwing up. Seriously. It’s one thing that can make me cry. Nevertheless, I went into my bathroom and gave it a shot.

There were no tears, but it didn’t work either. I’m not sure what I did wrong but whatever the case, I failed. Again.

I have one last chance today to keep my calories under a different level and while I think of this, my body and my mind want me to indulge in other activities.

This sucks. No doubt about it. I don’t understand why I’m so weak.

I thought to myself yesterday that if my uncle really did do only one thing to me (since I have no proof otherwise, even after all this time in therapy), and that thing was just a kiss on the underwear…well I’m just shit aren’t I? What moron becomes what I’ve become over something as shit as that? It makes me want to punch myself in the face until I’m black and blue.

I’m seriously considering canceling therapy for a while because there’s no reason to go in right now. I have the same memory that I had in the beginning. There are no answers. No new information. I know nothing else. Whatever parts I supposedly have, are keeping quiet, which makes me question if I have DID at all. All evidence points to just one incident happening which just means I’m shit, all by myself.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Juggling two compulsions. Why do I have to try?

  1. Broken Girl says:

    I think both of the compulsions are distractions for you. I have compulsions too so I think I know what you’re going through. They make you feel so weak and pathetic. The thing is I don’t know how to stop them. I don’t know how to just *BE* with my thoughts, feelings, etc. I’m not even sure what thoughts and feelings I’m trying to run away from. I don’t have much in the way of memories either and nothing new ever comes up for me even in the rare times when I’m not engaging in compulsive behaviors. It’s so frustrating! I know it’s difficult to be kind to yourself when this sort of thing happens, but please don’t think that these things say anything about you as a person. You’re a good person who is trying to cope the best you can.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Broken Girl,

      I relate to everything you said. Not knowing how to stop a behavior…it doesn’t seem possible sometimes. I like to believe that I’m on the early part of the road with healing and that someday I’ll look back at this time and think, “Boy, if only I’d known it would get better.” And yes the lack of memories is the worst part for me I think.

      Thanks for the support. You’re a good person too and very kind. 🙂

  2. Pandora says:

    I agree with Broken Girl, especially where she says that you’re a good person doing the best you can.

    I’d add that, to the outsider, the evidence (sadly) seems weighted in favour of further abuse, not against it. DID (I think – I’m no expert) seems to occur in terms of repeated trauma, and I’d suggest that even being uncertain as to what happened suggests there’s stuff there in the background.

    However, even if the abuse “just” consisted of this one incident, trauma is relative. I’ve heard of people with very nasty childhoods who seem to have grown up without any (outward, at least) issues. By the same token, I’ve known people who’ve had fairly minor car accidents or similar to develop full-on PTSD. It’s no one’s fault; some brains are wired differently from others, I suppose.

    But. Whatever. What matters is you. You’ve gone through some truly repugnant shit, regardless of the frequency of that, and you’re not a “failure” at all by reacting to that.

    You’re doing what you can, hun.

    Please take care of yourself as best you can.

    *gentle hugs*

    Pan x

    • CimmarianInk says:

      You’re awesome Pan, I just wanted to say that. 🙂

      I think I’m dealing with the heaviest doubt I’ve ever had. Doubting everything about myself.

      The thought that I’m this stupid over one event that doesn’t even register as an event because “event” sounds too important, is just unacceptable to me. You are completely right about people reacting to trauma in different ways. That’s a fact. I just can’t handle that I would be so weak to be affected by something so insignificant. It would make me hate myself on a completely higher level.

      And I know what’s been going on with you and you my friend are one of the strongest, bravest people I know.

  3. Freasha1964 says:

    I agree with Pan that you have lots of evidence pointing to the reality that you were abused more than you remember. Remember the body memory post of yours? I am going on my recollection, without rereading the post – you gave us scientific evidence that feeling memories were based on reality. But I don’t know what is worse- conceding that worse stuff probably happened, or feeling like an imposter who made it up.

    I am worried about you on the eating front. When you are eating so little, candy bars aren’t the first choice I’d make for healthy food. Can’t you have your husband lock the junk food up somewhere and keep the key if there must be that stuff around for him to eat? 🙂 As we all can see, this is about much more than wanting to eat healthily.

    That leads me to my next concern. You were considering dropping therapy. Perhaps that was just an impulse at the time. But I sure hope you don’t. At least spend a session or two bouncing this off your therapist.

    The bottom line here – on the bottom, by the way- is I am sorry that you are feeling like a weak pathetic person. You are not. I feel pretty sure you are stronger than most people by the fact that you have survived all the things you have survived, and live with DID and bipolar disorder on a daily basis. And the fibromyalgia, too. Your challenges are heavy and you have demonstrated great strength.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      I’d have to think, based on my feelings right now, that feeling like an impostor is worse.

      My husband did hide junk food a few months ago but that was before I was dialing my calories down to 800. And don’t worry, every time I fail at keeping within that limit, it means that I’m eating too much.

      As for therapy, it’s not an impulse. I’m not talking about canceling therapy completely but I am going to call her today and cancel for this week at the very least, if not next week too. There just doesn’t seem to be a point to it. The more I think about it, maybe I should write a post about it so I can run through my thoughts.

      I’m so not strong Freasha. :)Quite the opposite, but thank you.

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    I often find that I’m trading off on two different types of dysfunctional coping, so you’re not alone with these struggles… It’s not weakness, it’s what we know and how we cope. We see the danger with it, and how damaging it is; but the more we beat ourselves up over it, the worse we feel (well I do anyway). My negative self-talk about it, seems to almost feed the self-injury… that’s why I went for a walk the other day, to try and break that cycle… and I still couldn’t. But, it was worth the risk, and I still learned something along the way.

    I’m not sure about you, but I feel as if I’m caught in some sort of cruel joke… people say that the self-injury is a symptom of something else; but until the self-injury is eased, then we won’t know what it is… to me that feels really circular, because how am I meant to stop the self-injury if it’s still hiding the underlying cause and motivations? I know it’s about learning other skills and doing the best we can each day, but it feels so overwhelming and out of control… which is, of course, part of the problem which leads to more self-injury.

    No matter what you think of yourself CI, I know you are trying your best each day. I know that because I’ve gotten to know you over the time you’ve been blogging… So, I can say that as a slightly biased outsider 🙂 Yes, you are strong… you’re strong because you keep on trying.

    Think about therapy… as I said on Twitter yesterday, I’ve sometimes cancelled, and talked of quitting therapy… it’s always a valid option. But, think about what is best for you in the long term. Is the place you’re in now a sign that you need therapy, but don’t want it; or is it something else?

    Take care of yourself,

  5. Pingback: The Difficulty in Trusting Your Therapist | Living With Bipolar Disorder, DID and Childhood Abuse

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