I’m rather pissed off, mostly at myself.
After my session this week, the thought of my responsibility in my own healing must have become rather weighty. I wasn’t immediately aware of it until my behavior changed.
It seems that I must have at least one compulsive behavioral issue or I don’t function.
I was doing really well with the sexual compulsions. I thought. But, when I increased my eating, the urge to masturbate overwhelmed me. If the sexual impulse was gratified, I was able to eat. If I tried to avoid the sexual impulse, then I felt the need to restrict my food again.
This is not ok. I don’t like being some sort of freak who has to have some kind of disorder to live.
Why can’t I have nothing other than bipolar disorder and DID? Is that so much to ask?
Now I feel like a perverted failure again when I give in to one impulse but when I eat, I feel nauseated and disgusting.
I was sitting at home and the sexual impulse came over me. At the same time I hadn’t had too many calories yet today. When my body and mind began to crawl with that sick desire, I decided to eat a giant Snickers bar. I then promptly recorded my calories and felt like a weak, pathetic loser.
I sat around for a little bit trying to figure out what to do. I decided to try something I’ve never done. I am absolutely terrified of throwing up. Seriously. It’s one thing that can make me cry. Nevertheless, I went into my bathroom and gave it a shot.
There were no tears, but it didn’t work either. I’m not sure what I did wrong but whatever the case, I failed. Again.
I have one last chance today to keep my calories under a different level and while I think of this, my body and my mind want me to indulge in other activities.
This sucks. No doubt about it. I don’t understand why I’m so weak.
I thought to myself yesterday that if my uncle really did do only one thing to me (since I have no proof otherwise, even after all this time in therapy), and that thing was just a kiss on the underwear…well I’m just shit aren’t I? What moron becomes what I’ve become over something as shit as that? It makes me want to punch myself in the face until I’m black and blue.
I’m seriously considering canceling therapy for a while because there’s no reason to go in right now. I have the same memory that I had in the beginning. There are no answers. No new information. I know nothing else. Whatever parts I supposedly have, are keeping quiet, which makes me question if I have DID at all. All evidence points to just one incident happening which just means I’m shit, all by myself.