I had a conversation with my husband yesterday about his comment the other day concerning the frequency of sex.
I stayed mild but I told him that I felt it was insensitive considering what I’m dealing with right now.
I can’t go into everything that was said because I wouldn’t be able to properly convey emphasis or tones or facial expressions etc. I also can’t recount it in the order of what was said because certain things are sticking out more than others even though they were said later.
Basically he said that sex was a part of our relationship. I said agreed that it was part of it but not what our whole relationship was based on. At least not for me. I told him that I thought we had a connection that went beyond all that. He said that we don’t spend enough time together, so maybe we didn’t.
I was shocked. I did address what he said but since I’m not telling this in order, I’m jumping around.
He told me that I said I would keep my abuse out of the bedroom. I was completely floored because this something that I never would say. I’ve said quite the opposite but this introduces one of my husband’s skills: not listening to a word I say and then reordering what he did hear into new sentences that were never uttered.
I sat there for a moment with my mouth open because I couldn’t believe he’d said that. I asked him exactly what he thought was happening when I’ve asked him not to touch my hair during sex or turn my face, or come up behind me? How was that not bringing it into the bedroom?
I told him that I’ve said the eventual goal is to make connections about we do, about us and not my uncle. That’s all I’ve said. And that’s obviously a process. I can’t just turn my brain off when we go in the bedroom!
He said I was bringing my dysfunction into our relationship. At one point he said something about people who have been married as long as we have still getting divorced. He then said that he wasn’t thinking about that though.
He’s done this before but it’s been years since he pulled that one out. He’ll get mad about something and then throw out separation or something. It doesn’t scare me, it pisses me off because I have more respect for our relationship than to use words like that as weapons.
Wow. I can’t adequately describe how this conversation made me feel. I can’t.
It was later in the conversation that he brought up the spending time together. He said that we lead separate lives when he’s home because we’re each in different parts of the house doing something else, so he feels that sex keeps us connected. He put the blame on me saying that I think my alone time is all the time.
This isn’t true but I didn’t want to disregard his feelings so I asked him what needed to change. I told him that sex shouldn’t be the only connection. He was antagonistic, not really offering any answers. My husband is very different from me in certain ways. He doesn’t like to read. I do. He doesn’t like being alone, but I do. I guess I feel secure knowing he’s in the house but I don’t feel the need to be with him at every second.
I was willing to listen to ideas though.
I laid out what a normal evening is for us. He comes home and eats and either watches television or does something on the computer. After a couple of hours he tends to go to bed where he falls asleep within a few minutes. I asked him exactly where this time together was supposed to come from?
He mentioned watching T.V together because we interact while we do that, which is true because we talk and laugh etc. It’s one of the ways that we see how our minds are alike in certain things.
We are the couple that says the same thing at the same time or finishes the other person’s sentence. We are the couple that gives each other looks because we know exactly what the other person is thinking in any given situation. People comment on how perfect we are for each other.
I reminded him that I’ve asked him to join me for things we like to do, like playing video games because we’re both nerds. I bought several games with the purpose in mind of us being able to play together. I also ask him to watch T.V. with me but he likes to do it his way so that doesn’t work. It’s also been my idea for us to go out to dinner from time to time or get out-of-town once in a while.
When I outlined what his day is like, he said that gave me something to think about.
Again without going into everything that was said, he implied that the answer was for me to stop what I’m doing when he comes home and stay with him until he decides to go to bed.
So, today I’m here and feeling like s$#% in several ways. I’m über upset about his feelings about our sex life in connection with my abuse. I’m angry, really angry and also hurt.
And now I feel like he expects me to be a puppy and wait for my master to come home so I can follow him all over the house and sit with him.
It’s like he’s saying that I can do what I want while he’s gone, but when he comes home all bets are off.
Perhaps if I was having a good time, going out and doing all sorts of awesome things while he was gone I would get that. But I don’t.
Oh wait…I’m on disability.
I stay at home all day and feel like crap. Apparently though, that’s my allotted “alone time” so I’d better get used to not being alone when he comes home until he drifts off to sleep in the bedroom with the T.V on.
I think it’s disappointing because I was willing to entertain his thoughts on what needed to change but he didn’t hear anything I said about the sex stuff.
If he wants me to watch T.V. with him, I’ll do that. I don’t think that’s really spending time together but I guess that’s not my call. Is this going to fix things? I don’t think so.
Was I heard? No, and the inevitable thought that he’d be happier if I wasn’t around crept into my brain again.
I love that. He’s the one person who can make me feel suicidal with just words. He can’t control my reaction but I hate feeling like that.
The thing is that, it’s almost never just one person’s fault. Usually, two people are messing up somewhere and they both need to work on the issues. I’m willing to accept that but I don’t feel like he is. In his mind, this is all my fault and I’m the one who has to fix it.
Ugh…I’m tired of writing.