I have no idea how to explain what happened or why it happened. It’s not abuse related but I honestly have no other place to just talk about it.
I went in for my annual eye exam at my regular place today. Towards the end my doctor wanted to dilate my eyes. Now, I’ve been able to avoid this for the past several years by agreeing to come back for it later and then forgetting to do so. It wasn’t intentional, I really did forget every year.
This year the doctor suggested that I just get it done today, so I agreed. No biggie right?
Ok, so the room is darkened and he puts all the drops in and then sits my chair back up and tells me that I can’t open my eyes and that someone will be in to get me. This is where it got awful. I’m sitting in the chair and my eyes are shut but I keep hearing noises where the door to the room is. Now I know this place. I’ve been going there for years. There was no reason to be scared. But I kept thinking that I could hear someone breathing right in front of me. But, I couldn’t open my eyes because I was told not to. Oh my god, it was so awful. I got more and more frightened and I was becoming desperate to open my eyes but I was afraid that I would mess it up if I opened them too early. My ears were straining to pick out where I was hearing the sounds. I kept wanting to call out to ask if someone was there but I felt foolish. Then I became obstinate and I lifted my head and pointed it in the direction the sounds were coming from so that if someone was there they would know that I knew it. Paranoid right?
It got worse. My head was screaming for me to open my eyes but the doctor’s warning rang in my ears. Then my head started to feel funny like it wasn’t sitting on my body properly anymore. I literally couldn’t figure out where my physical head was at.
I was so scared and I just got more and more frightened because I couldn’t open my eyes. My anxiety reached epic proportions that I didn’t know was possible. I thought I was going to claw my eyes out or scream or something. It was terrible and it was worse because while all of this is happening I was confused about why I was reacting so strongly.
I had the thought that I will never be able to go through that again without my husband coming with me to be in the room. I just can’t and that sounds crazy. You’re talking to someone who has been in an MRI machine with no trouble whatsoever. If I could be encased in that thing there was no reason for me to be ready to be committed over sitting in a dark room with people right outside and the bright light of day blazing outside a few yards away.
It felt like I was there forever. Eventually I had to crack my eyes open just a slit or I really was going to scream and fall out of the chair into a blubbering heap of Crazy.
There was no one there. The door was actually mostly open and the sounds I’d heard had been the staff walking back and forth. Once I saw that little bit I was able to try to calm down.
Do you know how long it took for someone to come and get me? Just five minutes. That’s all. All of that happened in five minutes.
I don’t know what my mental deal was but I’ve been bedridden since I got home. This is the first time I’ve been up since I got back this morning.
What. The. Hell?