Something bothering me about the Josh Powell case

I know some of my readers are from other countries so I don’t know if everyone knows about Josh Powell. His wife has been missing for several years (assumed dead) and he was the only “person of interest” in the case. His father, Steve Powell, was arrested on charges of voyeurism and child pornography and Josh lost custody of his sons. Recently the story shook the country because Josh Powell killed himself and his sons in a planned explosion. Awful and tragic and I feel no sympathy for Josh Powell, only for his sons, let’s make that clear.

I’m not here to talk about that part. What I want to talk about is the recent story I saw: That talks about images they found on Josh Powell’s computer, and I’m not going to talk about what you think I may talk about.

I read in a separate story that Josh’s father had shown him pornography when he was a child. That is now considered sexual abuse. Then I was thinking about the images he had on his computer and I started wondering why he had them? And I’m wondering if the why is different than the why the authorities are thinking.

Why am I wondering about this? Ok, I’m definitely projecting from myself. I guess that I’m thinking that the authorities are assuming he used those images to abuse his sons. I absolutely think that’s possible, but here’s where the projecting comes in.

I’m thinking about times in the past when I looked at images that weren’t healthy for me. NOT illegal stuff! Hopefully you guys know me better than that.

I actually talked about this compulsion a long time ago even though I haven’t engaged in it for a long time, for which I’m grateful.

Goodness, now I feel the need to make sure this is clear: I’m talking about consenting adults pretending to do things that relate to my own abuse. Ok? Ok.

The connection to the case for me is that I’m wondering if Josh Powell had those images because his father abused him in other ways besides showing him pornography? I’m wondering if maybe he didn’t sexually abuse his sons but was instead doing what I’ve done, which is….I don’t now…punishing yourself(???) by viewing thing like that?

It made me feel bad about myself. Like what would people assume about me if they knew what I’ve looked at but without knowing the reason behind it?

I’m not sure why this particular angle of the story is bothering me so much. I keep thinking that all of this goes back to Josh’s father, Steve. There is something very wrong there and I feel like the whole story isn’t known. It just keeps bothering me….




About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Molestation, Incest, Sexual Abuse and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Something bothering me about the Josh Powell case

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    I think you are brave and honest to look at the angle of the case you wonder about. Not only could it go back to Josh’s father, Steve, it could go back to Steve’s father, and ad infinitum. There is a lot of pain in this story, that is for sure.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      It doesn’t feel brave. In fact, I felt very scared and nervous after I wrote that post because I was afraid my words would be taken the wrong way or that readers would think I’m disgusting. I think that’s part of what bothers me. I worry if in someone’s mind they would think I’m like him even though I’ve never looked at anything what he had on his computer. I wonder about motivations and you’re right that tracing all of that tragedy could go back even further. Maybe I’m hoping that he didn’t abuse those boys because that would add more sadness to this story.

      Maybe I need to know that he’s not like me. I don’t know…

      • Freasha1964 says:

        To me, that is the exact definition of courage. To feel very scared and nervous, but to do it anyway because it is the right thing to do.
        I don’t believe you are anything like this man. He may have had some experiences that are like ones you had – and much of the world maybe also has. But he killed himself and his children. Anyone who knows you knows you wouldn’t dream of such a thing. It is the way you responded to your abuse that is admirable. You never hurt anyone else. Big difference there.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    We’ll never know the truth of the Powell case; but you know the truth about what you have done as part of your self-injury, and the reasons why. There can be no comparisons between the two, but you can suggest another reason for the images being there…

    I’m sorry you have self-injured with those images…

    I agree with Freasha, this was a brave post to write.

    Take care,

  3. Alice says:

    as others have said, it is brave to write a post like this, there’s no doubt that you’re nothing like him. It is worth considering other reasons for them being there, I hope it had nothing to do with hurting his sons.
    Take care x

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