Feeling the need to pull back in life

My husband told me the other day that he was in a bad mood. He was tired from work and tired from some other responsibilities he has. He was listing them and he mentioned dealing with me as being a stressor and I felt bad.

I used to handle my multitude of mental and physical illnesses with absolute silence. He had no idea what was going on with me, ever, and it was like pulling teeth to get any information from me. I prided myself on not being a complainer.

I haven’t changed in that I still don’t complain, but my therapist has been encouraging me from day one to be more open and my husband confirmed that he wanted that as well. That equaled up to him asking if there was anything he needed to know that I had discussed in therapy, and me maybe, sort of saying something, to him asking how I’m feeling and me saying, “Meh” or “So-so” which were big deals to me since I prefer not to say anything.

I felt quite helpless in making him feel better. It’s difficult when there’s nothing I can do to fix anything. I like to fix things! But that can’t be done because it’s just life. People have to work and do things they don’t always enjoy. What can I say?

I did my best to be physically comforting which you have to know is not my forte. Patting his head and rubbing his back. That’s all I’ve got. I sent him an email today with some encouraging words. I’m out of ideas. He’s off on Monday so I told him I’d make breakfast. *Sigh*

What else can I do but pull back? My head is telling me that it’s time to go back to the way it used to be. Don’t tell him anything, and when he asks you how you are, go back to saying that you’re fine! You will always be fine!

It shouldn’t be too hard unless he pushes, which he might, but I’ll have to go back to acting again.

I don’t fear the work, only the effort it will take to deflect him because I’m already tired.

I have to be around large crowds for the next two days which will be awesome and it will give me a chance to put on a performance extraordinaire! Practice, practice.



About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Feeling the need to pull back in life

  1. Pandora says:

    Cue a string of hypocrisy which you should understandly ignore…

    I ‘get’ your husband’s view to a point, in that your new willingness to say “x is crap right now” is alien to him. But that is not your fault in any way: I agree with your therapist that it’s only fair that you say how you’re feeling.

    And, as someone who knows it from experience, rubbing his back etc is not necessarily easy. It makes me horribly uncomfortable, actually, but occasionally I have to force myself, because A willingly does the same for me.

    Does your husband, though? I’m not at all suggesting that he’s not a good man, or that he doesn’t love you or anything – I’m just wondering if he really ‘gets’ how much things (quite understandly, give what you’ve been through) suck for you?

    There’s a charity here called Relate that counsel couples through things like this, and I was wondering if your husband would maybe be willing to see someone from a similar organisation? I feel awful for even suggesting that, as it seems like I’m somehow slighting your relationship, plus as noted, it’s a horrendously hypocritical idea. But I do mean it with the best of intentions.

    Anyway, enough of me crapping on. Whatever happens, however it happens, I’m always there for you and am sending lots of love and hugs across the ether.

    Take care hun

    Pan xxx

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thanks Pan 🙂

      My husband isn’t one for couple’s therapy. My concern isn’t so much with having his support as it is for me to be as little of a burden as possible.

      I should have elaborated because this isn’t just about the mental illness stuff, although that’s a large part of it. Despite being off the offending medication, my drug-induced lupus has not gone away yet and I’ve been dealing with the accompanying Sjogren’s Syndrome and Raynauds etc. and a lot of pain and fatigue.

      It’s a lot for a person to have to deal with and I’m talking about him. I just don’t want to weigh him down too much and I hate talking about my various sicknesses anyway.

  2. DollyPopper says:

    I used to be exactly as you’re describing. I used to have a very limited emotional scale, and I could only feel a certain emotional scale. Once I reached too much I shut off, or moved topic and shut off.

    I only learnt how to accept emotions and show them with on person, who is now my partner, because I started to fall for her and it was SO difficult to begin with but I started caring and feeling, and recovering from an ED that hid emotions too, and if just happened. Maybe it will just happen when you start recovering or feeling more comfortable, but if he is the person you trust the most it will be easier to experiment with letting yourself feel those emotions and letting yourself share them.

    Breakfast on Monday sounds yum.

  3. castorgirl says:

    I’m hardly one to be able to give advice on relationships… but, aren’t relationships meant to be about partnerships… sharing the burdens, supporting each other, etc. So while I totally get what you’re saying about not wanting to be a burden; if you withdraw like you’re talking about, you also lose your voice. Your voice is important and needs to be heard. Because you haven’t spoken up much over the years, your husband won’t be used to hearing you being honest about what’s going on for you… so to change that can be kinda scary for you both… but it’s more honest…

    Sending positive thoughts your way,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,

      I think my problem is that this partnership is so uneven. He works full-time, does most of the housework and has to deal with me. That’s very lopsided. I don’t feel like I do much to contribute so my only option is to at least give him some space by keeping things to myself.

  4. Alice says:

    I hope you don’t stop sharing your feelings with your husband, like the others have said, it’s still new to him.
    Take care x

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Alice,

      I don’t think the problem is him, I think it’s me. There aren’t many people who could deal with my crap and that makes me feel bad.

    • clownonfire says:

      I agree with Alice. For someone like me who lives with someone who lives with bipolar II, getting a perspective on how she is feeling helps a great deal, even if the mood is on the darker side. I’ll know if I need to back off, give her some space, or support her (and myself and our kids) any way that the situation demands it.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Hi clownonfire,
        It’s really great that you welcome the input from your wife. I think if it were just bipolar disorder that I dealt with I wouldn’t be so hesitant or wary. But it’s bipolar disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Drug-Induced Lupus, Sjorgren’s, Raynaud’s…

        You get my picture? 🙂 I just think that’s a lot for a guy that’s all.

      • clownonfire says:

        I completely understand. Keep on writing, and I’ll keep on reading. And I hope every little gestures you take help you living a better life.

  5. Hi CI, I totally get where you’re comming from. I don’t think you should stop sharing about yourself with him. I do think that doing things like making breakfast and stuff can help. Are there any other responsibilities you can take over for him for a bit? That is how I have handled situations like this with my hubs. I can’t stop what I’m going through or change over night but maybe I can push myself a little harder in other areas that may help lighten his burden for awhile. Like housework or other responsibilities.. just so he gets a little break. It might put you out for a bit but at least you feel you are aiding him in some way. Hope this makes sense.
    P.S. This is late but still wanted to offer support.. hope you are well.

  6. attached says:


    I hope that you are doing okay. You and your husband have a lot to deal with and there aren’t any easy answers. Thinking of you,

  7. Freasha1964 says:

    Hi CI,
    Just wondering how things have been going. You have been pretty quiet lately.
    How was the breakfast?

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Freasha,

      I know I’ve been away for a while. I’ve been caught in the quandary of having a few things to say but thinking they’re boring or whiny. It made me just say nothing.

      Breakfast was…interesting lol. I tried to cook something new and exotic and it was…well, interesting 🙂 I’ll post something soon. Thanks for checking on me. You’re too good to me.

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