So, I’ve been gone for a while (besides my two brief non-blog related posts). I honestly had nothing to say and I’m still not sure that I do. I feel more of a responsibility to post something instead of continuing with nothing.
I decided to write about a phenomenon that happened I guess a couple of weeks ago maybe?
I was playing a game and I had a sudden thought about a memory that I’d had quite some time ago. This is was back when I was going through weird body feelings and seeing odd disjointed images. I have no idea where the post on it is as it was a long time ago. Anyway, it was about being on my back and some other stuff that I won’t mention to avoid triggering anyone.
The point of it was, that when I remembered this, although I use the term loosely because of my own “question everything” nature, the situation I saw was so odd that I’d had to ask my husband if he had done that to me, even though I already knew the answer. Once he said no, it’s like the image/memory slipped away from me and I never thought of it again. It was like it didn’t happen. That was perhaps a year ago or more, so we’ll fast-forward to a couple of weeks ago.
Back to me playing my game and thinking of that memory. It again occurred to me that it was a very odd thing for someone to do but it was also very difficult for me to grasp the image at all. It was like it was someone else’s memory and I had no access to it besides a faint awareness that it exists.
This is hard to describe and I’m not doing a good job of it. Arrgh!
Let me try talking about bringing it up in therapy instead.
I told my therapist about this memory (even with the pre-requisite doubt). I told her that I am of a mind to believe this memory because it’s very strangeness tells me that I couldn’t have gotten it from somewhere else. She thought this was good and she said that many pedophiles have fetishes, so it’s not odd that this incident would have happened.
I explained to her that I have absolutely no emotion about this “memory”. Nada, nothing. It’s like hearing someone else talk about something that happened to them and not being able to relate to it. I felt like I was telling her about someone else’s memory, not my own and therefore I have no context or feelings about it.
She said that of course this was true because I had dissociated the whole thing.
That presents another problem I’m having, which I also shared with her.
I keep thinking that I’m faking having DID. But then I remember all of the times that I felt myself going away in her office and how terrifying and disconcerting it was, I and I realize that I could not have faked that. There’s also no doubt that when I started seeing her again it was because I was losing big chunks of time and my things were going missing and ending up in weird places. So…I guess I have to accept that at least that is true.
Amongst all the doubt and questions are little flickers of awareness. When I was sitting playing my game and I “remembered” that “memory” (don’t you love my continuous use of quote marks?) there was a very quick flash of fear. It was so fast that it literally appeared and disappeared in less than a second. Days later I was doing something, driving maybe? And there was a flicker of an image. It was so fast! And then it was gone. It was too fast to catch it. I think that maybe it was a room but again it appeared and disappeared in milliseconds.
But this flicker came with an odd sensation. The only way I can describe it is to imagine someone very quickly opening the curtain in a house and then just as quickly closing it. It was an actual physical sensation though. In my head. God, am I making any sense at all???
It was like having someone trying to tell me something but…it was just gone.
I actually miss the days of lost time and items being put in strange places. At least then I had proof that there was something going on in my mind. As it stands now, there’s no sounds in my head, no communication. I can’t even make collages anymore. It’s like there aren’t any pictures that adequately illustrate my thoughts.
Why won’t the supposed people in my head talk to me!!?? Say something! Anything! Give me a clue that you’re here and that I’m not a pathological liar!