How do you catch little flickers of awareness?


So, I’ve been gone for a while (besides my two brief non-blog related posts). I honestly had nothing to say and I’m still not sure that I do. I feel more of a responsibility to post something instead of continuing with nothing.

I decided to write about a phenomenon that happened I guess a couple of weeks ago maybe?

I was playing a game and I had a sudden thought about a memory that I’d had quite some time ago. This is was back when I was going through weird body feelings and seeing odd disjointed images. I have no idea where the post on it is as it was a long time ago. Anyway, it was about being on my back and some other stuff that I won’t mention to avoid triggering anyone.

The point of it was, that when I remembered this, although I use the term loosely because of my own “question everything” nature, the situation I saw was so odd that I’d had to ask my husband if he had done that to me, even though I already knew the answer. Once he said no, it’s like the image/memory slipped away from me and I never thought of it again. It was like it didn’t happen. That was perhaps a year ago or more, so we’ll fast-forward to a couple of weeks ago.

Back to me playing my game and thinking of that memory. It again occurred to me that it was a very odd thing for someone to do but it was also very difficult for me to grasp the image at all. It was like it was someone else’s memory and I had no access to it besides a faint awareness that it exists.

This is hard to describe and I’m not doing a good job of it. Arrgh!

Let me try talking about bringing it up in therapy instead.

I told my therapist about this memory (even with the pre-requisite doubt). I told her that I am of a mind to believe this memory because it’s very strangeness tells me that I couldn’t have gotten it from somewhere else. She thought this was good and she said that many pedophiles have fetishes, so it’s not odd that this incident would have happened.

I explained to her that I have absolutely no emotion about this “memory”. Nada, nothing. It’s like hearing someone else talk about something that happened to them and not being able to relate to it. I felt like I was telling her about someone else’s memory, not my own and therefore I have no context or feelings about it.

She said that of course this was true because I had dissociated the whole thing.

That presents another problem I’m having, which I also shared with her.

I keep thinking that I’m faking having DID. But then I remember all of the times that I felt myself going away in her office and how terrifying and disconcerting it was, I and I realize that I could not have faked that. There’s also no doubt that when I started seeing her again it was because I was losing big chunks of time and my things were going missing and ending up in weird places. So…I guess I have to accept that at least that is true.

Amongst all the doubt and questions are little flickers of awareness. When I was sitting playing my game and I “remembered” that “memory” (don’t you love my continuous use of quote marks?) there was a very quick flash of fear. It was so fast that it literally appeared and disappeared in less than a second. Days later I was doing something, driving maybe? And there was a flicker of an image. It was so fast! And then it was gone. It was too fast to catch it. I think that maybe it was a room but again it appeared and disappeared in milliseconds.

But this flicker came with an odd sensation. The only way I can describe it is to imagine someone very quickly opening the curtain in a house and then just as quickly closing it. It was an actual physical sensation though. In my head. God, am I making any sense at all???

It was like having someone trying to tell me something but…it was just gone.

I actually miss the days of lost time and items being put in strange places. At least then I had proof that there was something going on in my mind. As it stands now, there’s no sounds in my head, no communication. I can’t even make collages anymore. It’s like there aren’t any pictures that adequately illustrate my thoughts.

Why won’t the supposed people in my head talk to me!!?? Say something! Anything! Give me a clue that you’re here and that I’m not a pathological liar!

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to How do you catch little flickers of awareness?

  1. meredith says:

    What do you want your innards to say?

    I’ve noticed a double bind that goes on with me that’s similar. First, when I experienced shocking, offensive, or reprehensible experiences I shut down to keep my emotional responses to a minimum. I did this as a coping skill. I do it still. When I feel overwhelmed by something that seems very wrong, I become still, I shut down the emotional center so that my emotional reactions don’t emit heat, and all of these memories go with the glimpse of the intangible. I don’t know what the quiet says to you, but sometimes the whole thing goes together, rather than sequence of separate responses.

    It’s a catch 22 to give information that’s taboo. Even though I’m safe now… I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel better. I feel scared and confused, just like I did when the event originally occurred. I still shut down, emotionally and verbally (sometimes physically), because sometimes it’s also part of the flicker… that it’s another part of the survival skills I used during the actual situation…. and how I coped afterward.

    Maybe this has relevance in your situation. I don’t know.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hey meredith, To answer your question, I guess I want my innards to confirm that they’re “real”, that I’m not faking this disorder. The quiet is disconcerting and annoying to me. I get irritated and start to question whether I’m just a really good actress.

      • meredith says:

        Ah. I totally get that. Sorry for your luck. I hope it doesn’t get too thick with you.

        hope you feel better soon.

        meredith

  2. castorgirl says:

    I think that most of us get these doubts… It seems the more we chase something, the further away it gets. The more we demand something, the more it hides away. It’s part of a nasty paradox.

    You gave some pretty clear examples which show your use of dissociation as a coping mechanism, so what makes those examples less believable now? It could be that the silence you’re now experiencing could be what is needed in order to help you cope?? I’m not sure…

    I hope things ease for you soon…

    Take care,
    CG

    • CimmarianInk says:

      I’m not sure what’s going on either. I can see the evidence of past dissociation but the silence just mocks me and calls me a liar.

      I hope for change too. Thanks CG 🙂

  3. Hi CI, gonna throw something back your way 😉 . Have you tried writing to your insiders? Write to them, ask them questions, let them know you saw and felt whatever it is they showed you. Ask them if they need anything, certainly if they hold the emotions to that memory they must not be feeling good. Try and offer some comfort. Write a little something everyday so they see you are open to hearing from them. It is like any other relationship you have, has to be nurtured. I think it’s so ironic that I have to build relationships with my insiders and I have a hard enough time doing it with outsiders! It is the same idea though. Have patience with yourself and work on it.
    🙂
    IP

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thank you for reminding me to do that IP. 🙂 I hadn’t considered it for myself. How silly is that? I will definitely try that, even though it will be weird and kind of awkward. You’re right, outside relationships are hard enough, now there’s more.

      • meredith says:

        “…outside relationships are hard enough, now there’s more.” I find this hysterically funny, but I don’t suppose it’s appropriate to tell you I laughed myself silly.

        Maybe you could text them…

        It is too weird, isn’t it?

      • CimmarianInk says:

        It’s appropriate. 🙂 I’d love to see how my phone keeps track of a conversation between me, me and me.

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