Little Revelations

I’ve been quiet for long periods of time between posting. It annoys me that I have nothing to write on several levels. On one level it means that nothing is progressing. On another level, I feel like I let my readers down if I don’t post.

Today I’m writing about putting into practice a couple of suggestions that some of you made in comments on my last post. I was talking about having an image in my head and being unable to find a picture of what I see because it mean going to adult websites, which I don’t want to do. Also, I was having trouble with internal communication and was therefore knee-deep in doubt that I even have DID.

The suggestions were about writing and drawing respectively and I tried them out.

For the image I saw, I Googled “male anatomy” and found non-adult, textbook drawings of  what I needed and then I took out the crayons I had kept for any younger parts that wanted to color way back when, and I colored in what I saw in my head. It wouldn’t be obvious to anyone looking at it what it is, but I know what I was trying to get across so I felt better about getting it out.

For the internal conversation I took one of my many notebooks that are kept for the purpose of writing about any mental health/abuse issues, and I just started talking to myself. It was along the lines of, “Hello, is anyone in there?” “Please talk to me.” and so on.

Later that day I had this epic moment which will sound silly to all of you but I only know how it felt in my head. You know how in movies there’s that moment when the clouds part and the angelic choir sings as someone has a brilliant idea? It was like that but without the fancy visual and sound effects.

It was simple but it was important, for me anyway. I very clearly remembered using my stuffed animals, a few ones in particular, to rub against as a child in a sexual manner.

Now, first let me acknowledge what you may be thinking. I know that psychologists and doctors say that children masturbating is a normal and healthy thing. I’m not talking about what they say. I’m talking about the awareness that I have about myself as a child and what I was doing in these memories. My awareness of myself and who I was as a child, the kind of person I was, tells me that my behavior was out of the norm for me.

I had lots and lots of time to be by myself when I was little, thanks to dear old mother, and I know what kind of kid I was.

I don’t think it was normal for me to be moving the way I was and seeking whatever I was seeking in that manner.

I tried very hard to hold onto what I was seeing and making sure it cemented in my mind so I didn’t lose the feelings that came with the memory like I have with other stuff in the past. This thinking also led me back to re-remembering (yes I made that word up), the way I would grind against doorknobs and possibly furniture. I remember the doorknobs for sure now. I was quite tall so I had better access than most kids would have as I got older. But it was like I had forgotten these things and then suddenly there they were.

I don’t want to be dramatic and add all sorts of meaning to what I remember. It seems to be the caveat that I have to add disclaimers to everything I see or feel but I never know when to take something seriously or brush it off. The tendency is to brush it off all the time.

Maybe I mis-titled my post. Maybe these aren’t little revelations after all. Maybe it’s nothing and I’m reading into it because I’m desperate not to believe I’m a liar.

Ah, I see the disclaimers have already begun.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Little Revelations

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    I have wondered about that feeling like there is nothing happening inside. But I think about seeds waiting to germinate. You pour the water on after poking them into the fertile soil, and nothing changes for days. But the moment they do sprout it is clear that they have been going through a genetically predetermined process ever since the water touched their seed coat. And even before that, they lay in an envelope for years sometimes. How do they know NOT to sprout? Something must be happening then, too.
    However as you continued to write it became clear that you seem to have some germination happening. I am sure others with more specific experience must have light to shed on your process in a more specific manner.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      To continue with your illustration, my questions had been revolving around why there was germination or growth for a while and then it stopped and almost seemed to shrivel up. My therapist told me last week that it’s common to hit plateaus. We’ll see how long this phase lasts.

  2. meredith says:

    I don’t think you’re being dramatic in any way. You’re describing something that makes a lot of sense to me. When you were a very little girl, you didn’t have language for your experience. You hardly had language, at all. I think it’s brilliant that you got out the crayons. Kids connect with crayons.

    I think the hardest part of working with trauma is figuring out how to meet the traumatized part on their turf… whatever that may mean. It’s really cool that you just got creative and that it opened a door for you.


  3. CI, this is a really good beginning at communication… Proud of you! 🙂 I am sorry though that you are having these difficult realizations about your childhood. Glad you are able to push the “liar” stuff aside long enough to actually feel the feelings and see the memories. Hope you are able to hold on to it long enough to be able to work through them because it seems it’s really important to someone inside… Important enough to share it with you now…
    Keep us posted,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Thanks IP. I tried to hold onto it and while I have the image more in mind, there weren’t any feelings with it. My therapist said that it’s important to have the feelings. She said that it will take time though and that I need to internally let everyone know that it’s ok. I felt weird after therapy but even that feeling was gone by the next day. I’m not claiming that I’m lying but I’m still trying to find excuses for where the image came from.

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    Firstly, you don’t owe your readers anything… there’s no pressure to post anything. It’s totally up to you and how you’re doing, ok?

    There’s a difference between healthy sexual exploration, and experimentation; and that which is driven by abuse. What you describe here are signs that things were happening in your life that you couldn’t cope with. I’m sorry…

    As for your line “I’m reading into it because I’m desperate not to believe I’m a liar”… can you please be a little – no, a lot; less harsh on yourself! 🙂

    Take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi CG,
      Thanks for letting me off the hook about posting. 🙂 I know it’s my blog but for some reason I just feel bad if I don’t say anything for long periods of time.

      My therapist and I talked about what is “normal” behavior for young kids and what would be red flags or signs that sexual abuse has occurred. We had to take a trip back in time because you can’t use today’s kids as an example since they’re exposed to so much more mature content in everyday life than people my age or older were. So we thought back to the time I grew up. We also talked about other ways that I played with toys, like Barbie dolls and there were more signs there as well. It’s difficult though because I was trying really hard not to cling to these “clues” just to make myself feel better.

      My therapist didn’t think that I was reading too much into anything and there are certain things, like the grinding on door knobs that’s so freaking weird that even I have to think something was wrong with me.

      As for not being too harsh on myself? That’s a hard one. I’m finding it very difficult to accept what I’m seeing and accepting that I could have forgotten something so huge. The only way to deal with it is to call myself a liar and question my motives.

      My therapist continually points out how much I hate talking about this stuff because to her that’s something that should tell me I’m not lying or seeking attention. I don’t know how to just believe something. If I just try to choose to believe it, it won’t work either.

  5. Pingback: This Week in Mentalists – The Bumper Daylight Savings Edition « This Week in Mentalists

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