This week the day leading up to therapy was full of feelings. Anxiety and super-pissedoffedness (yes I made up another word). The anxiety was because I did not want to go to therapy this week. It wasn’t because of fear, I simply had nothing to say. Literally. Nothing. Which ended up leading to the super-pissedoffedness. After I called to cancel my therapist called back and “strongly encouraged” me to come in any way. This made me angry because I felt pressured into going in. But, I respect her and I secretly feared that it would damage our relationship if I stuck to my no. I was worried that she’d be mad at me. So I went in and I was not happy about it.
It’s quite funny and a little unsettling to have your therapist realize that you’re pissed at them and then to have them say, “Let’s talk about that.”
Really? You want me to acknowledge my anger with you and you seem really happy to talk about it. Weird.
Eventually she made some connections about why her “strongly encouraging” me to come in would have ticked me off. She said that for a lot of my life I was forced to do things that I didn’t want to do which would have caused anger that I was unable to express because it wasn’t safe. Her conclusion was that her actions would have indeed made me angry and she reassured me that I have the right to say no to anything I want, including her. She also read my mind and told me that she would never hold it against me or get mad about it. She just told me to realize that there would never be a time when a client would say that they felt anxious about therapy and didn’t want to come in and she would just say, “Sure ok, see you next week.” So, we’re cool I think.
Moving on to the title of the post, we were talking about emotions and I asked her if it was normal for people to feel emotions all day. Does that seem like a strange question? I don’t know. Anyway…she said that there are times when people feel contentment or peace, (which I’m assuming aren’t emotions in the strictest sense), but otherwise, yes people feel things all day.
That was weird to me because I don’t feel emotions like that. There are times when I don’t feel anything but I’m not feeling contentment or peace either. It’s just nothing.
She said that it made sense that I would have developed that ability. It saved my life, which is true. In my house emotions that weren’t in perfect harmony with my mother’s wishes were punished with hitting and cursing and a general tearing down of your spirit. The only way to counter this state of existence was to develop what my therapist termed: A Blank Slate.
This would be a way of not feeling anything and thereby protecting myself from my mother, and dare I stretch the purpose, protecting myself from feeling how scary my life was?
Sure that sounds reasonable. We’ll go with that.
I’m not sure what to do with this “insight”. My therapist said not to judge it, just be aware of it. Okay. Commence awareness program in 3…2…1…