I was told yesterday that my stepfather emailed my husband again, I guess with details about their move? But the worst part was that he asked if I wanted to see my mother before they go.
I’ve never been as happy as I’ve been after cutting my mother off. It was one of the best decisions I ever made, hands down.
That being said I found myself practically ill with obsessing over this new problem. It rolled around in my brain, pushing out other concerns and making me nervous.
I don’t want to see her. Period. And there’s no question or doubt for me about that. My anxiety comes from the nagging thought that not seeing her makes me a bad person. It’s eating at me, that thought. Every time I think to myself, “I am not going to see her!” then the doubts pop up and make me feel petty. I can imagine my mother being disappointed that I wouldn’t see her in this circumstance.
But then I also think, “What the hell is the point!?” We haven’t spoken in what? Over a year? And I like it that way. If I were to see her I would have to have rules about no touching of any kind because just the thought of her makes my skin crawl. There would be no “I love you’s” because I don’t lie or pretend about our relationship anymore. And to come back around to the point: I don’t want to see her.
And then the thoughts of being a bad person surface again. I’m not sure how to reconcile my desires and needs with the desires of a person that I hate.
I still have bad dreams about my mother on a weekly basis for God’s sake! Then I think, “Well, she’s leaving so seeing her won’t harm anything.” But then I think, “Yes, but seeing her could open up the door for her to contact you in the future all over again after all the hard work you did to get her out of your life.”
I don’t like this.