Stress and Guilt Eating At My Brain (Mother Issues Continue)

I was told yesterday that my stepfather emailed my husband again, I guess with details about their move? But the worst part was that he asked if I wanted to see my mother before they go.

I’ve never been as happy as I’ve been after cutting my mother off. It was one of the best decisions I ever made, hands down.

That being said I found myself practically ill with obsessing over this new problem. It rolled around in my brain, pushing out other concerns and making me nervous.

I don’t want to see her. Period. And there’s no question or doubt for me about that. My anxiety comes from the nagging thought that not seeing her makes me a bad person. It’s eating at me, that thought. Every time I think to myself, “I am not going to see her!” then the doubts pop up and make me feel petty. I can imagine my mother being disappointed that I wouldn’t see her in this circumstance.

But then I also think, “What the hell is the point!?” We haven’t spoken in what? Over a year? And I like it that way. If I were to see her I would have to have rules about no touching of any kind because just the thought of her makes my skin crawl. There would be no “I love you’s” because I don’t lie or pretend about our relationship anymore. And to come back around to the point: I don’t want to see her.

And then the thoughts of being a bad person surface again. I’m not sure how to reconcile my desires and needs with the desires of a person that I hate.

I still have bad dreams about my mother on a weekly basis for God’s sake! Then I think, “Well, she’s leaving so seeing her won’t harm anything.” But then I think, “Yes, but seeing her could open up the door for her to contact you in the future all over again after all the hard work you did to get her out  of your life.”

I don’t like this.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Stress and Guilt Eating At My Brain (Mother Issues Continue)

  1. Vivid says:

    You are not a bad person for wanting to see her. She has treated you abysmally and she doesn’t deserve your time, care or worry.

    Easy for me to say, I know. But if it’s any reassurance, I can’t imagine that anyone that knows you would ever think you not seeing her reflects badly on you. You’ve done nothing wrong, whereas she has done plenty.

    Thinking of you and sending love.


    Viv x

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    Au contraire! You are in touch with very healthy feelings on your needs. You have good reason to not want to see her, and I suggest you honor your own self. Society’s depiction of motherhood is what you are wrestling with in my opinion, and that is very different than your individual experience. Go with your gut feeling, I say. It is screaming for your regard.

    Regarding the photo album that your mother took from you. I understand why you would want a picture of your uncle. I wanted and recently discovered a photo of the scene of our car accident. (I am sure that some people didn’t understand this.) It said to me that after all this time with a fading memory, there on a piece of newsprint was the undeniable truth. It proved I wasn’t making it up somehow, a concept I know you wrestle with often.
    As for getting the photos back, since your husband is in touch with her husband, could you send an emphatic “no!” regarding seeing her before she goes, while indicating that you sure would like your photo album back before she leaves?

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Freasha once again you get to the heart of things and bring up perspectives I didn’t consider.

      Your comment about society’s concept of motherhood was dead on and I hadn’t been able to see that until you mentioned it. That was very helpful so thank you.

      I absolutely understand why the newspaper photo of the accident would be important to you and I’m glad that you found it even though I imagine it would be painful too.

      As for the photo albums, there’s no way that I could ask for them for many reasons. One of them is that I couldn’t bring myself to make that request with our current relationship. I know that makes me weak. The other is that my mother has a history of holding things over my head if she knows they’re important. She’d love it if I needed something she had.

  3. meredith says:

    I think it takes a long time to interrupt old messages about how we should or should not behave. In your ‘now’ life, though, does your mother have a place in your future? If you go back to old habits, you’ll return to other,old habits, too. Well,, what if you’re at a turning point, right here, right now, in your life. What if today’s the day you cross a threshold in your process that marks awareness you didn’t have before? Your mom is part of an old way of being–like a dial telephone. If dial telephones aren’t of any use to you in the here and now, why have one? Tradition?

    Maybe the question is, ‘how well do you want to be?’ Your mother makes you sick.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Yes, returning to old behaviors and patterns is unacceptable. She has not changed and therefore has no place in my life. Even though I know that, it still makes me feel…impolite. Weird right?

      • meredith says:

        Not weird at all. We are conditioned by society in every imaginable (and unimaginable) to be compliant in society.

        It doesn’t work that way, though, and I think the larger struggle in therapy is recognizing, then turning away from, all the many ways we are held back by ideas of honoring those who have no right to that kind of power.

        Actually, you grew into a beautiful woman despite the challenge of your mom’s presence. That says a lot about you, and very little about the woman who’s HUSBAND called to see if you might like to say goodbye to your mother.

        There’s a clue about how pointless thinking about re-connecting with a non-connection will be. You have too much vibrancy to waste on illusions of illusions.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        I like what you said here about society. One of my gripes has been that she doesn’t deserve respect but I feel obligated to show it. Where we’re from all adults are shown respect and deference no matter what. Whoever the oldest person is, they get the most respect.

        It’s that same mentality that makes it so easy for incest to happen as well, but that’s another matter.

        I would like to think that I’m nothing like her so thank you for that. 🙂

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    You are a caring, compassionate person; so it makes sense that you would feel all of these misgivings about not seeing your mother… But, do you really want to go back there? The answer is pretty clearly no, based on what you’ve said here. It’s time for more grieving of what you never had – that stereotypical mother.

    It doesn’t make you impolite not to see your mother… it means that you value your own safety. That’s a good thing.

    Take care,

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