I’m Losing It

Ok I am officially freaking out. My mother’s husband said that he’ll get to the albums at another time as they’re in storage right now. It was stated as a non-negotiable fact. That means that the invitation to visit has already been extended and can’t be retracted but there are no photos until who knows when.

Secondly, I expected the visit to happen within the next day but now it looks like it won’t be until Tuesday which gives me plenty of time to have meltdown. My brain is imploding and I’m sinking into fear and anxiety. The desire to self-injure has arisen out of nowhere and I have no desire to fight it. My only hesitation is that I don’t know how to do the amount of damage I want to do without ending up on the floor bleeding out.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
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24 Responses to I’m Losing It

  1. NextInLine says:

    Please don’t. Please. I know the drive, I know the desire. I am more than guilty as charged. But tonight, deep breaths. Small steps. Make it small if you have to. Try to contain. I am so sorry this is happening to you. IT SUCKS.I don’t have the advice to fix anything, but I can say, from what I read, you are stronger than you think, and you can beat this shit. Here’s one beyotch behind you, cheering you on. Hold tight. Those pics belong to you. One day! But don’t bleed out. Small. Keep it small.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi NextInLine,

      Thanks for the support. It’s very kind of you and I appreciate the confidence. I barely made scratches. Just enough for marks but I have a razor now. The weekend will probably decide what’s going to happen.

      Thank you again for the nice words. They made me smile.

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    I am going with the sage advice from NextInLine. You CAN hold this together. You are just strong enough now.
    Hold your ground. No photos, no visit!
    And ps, call your therapist if you feel you just can’t get through this without self harm.
    With LOVE, Freasha

    • CimmarianInk says:

      I did email my therapist and she told me that I’m in control of the visit. By that time I had already done a bit with a needle. I ended up taking a Xanax so I didn’t go completely insane.

      I know it disappoints everyone.

      • Freasha1964 says:

        Yes, it is a setback, and I am not happy to read this, but I know it is a long long road for you, winding and full of boulders and swamps and other unpleasant obstacles. I hope that you will have a success with how this visiting thing turns out.
        If worse comes to worse, you can dart out the back door and you and your husband can go out for a long movie or dinner or something until she goes away.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Ha, if I left her alone in my house she’d just steal more stuff. I think we’re going to say that we have plans but I don’t know what the fallout will be.

      • Freasha1964 says:

        Well, I meant dart out the back before you let her in the front!
        This is a temporary situation and you are physically safe from her.

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Oh! That’s makes sense lol. My therapist has also tried to remind me that she can’t physically hurt me anymore. For some reason there’s still some fear there. I have bad dreams about her at least once a week regularly.

      • Freasha1964 says:

        Yes, the emotional piece is always much, much harder….

      • CimmarianInk says:

        Yes, sometimes emotions aren’t really logical.

  3. Broken Girl says:

    I would definitely consult your therapist about this new development if you haven’t already. My first thought is to tell you to stand your ground as Freasha said- no photos, no visit! But, your therapist might have a different idea and maybe she can help you resist the urge to harm yourself. Stay strong!

    • CimmarianInk says:


      My therapist reminded me that I control the visit. We’re working on getting out of it but the weekend will probably see developments that determine what happens.

  4. CI, You can do this! Don’t let her control you, you are stronger than that! I know it! I hate having to rely on Xanax, but if it thats what you need right now then by all means take it. Tell her something came up and you’ll be busy this weekend– period! End of story, have a nice life. Please let us know how you’re doing…..
    Sending strength vibes your way!

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi IP,

      Yes, Xanax is my new best friend right now. We are going to use the “something came up” excuse and see what happens. I don’t think she’ll let it go at that but maybe being busy with the move will distract her and she’ll leave me alone. The downside is that I don’t see me getting those pictures at all now. Unless my mother’s husband grew a pair and brought them on his own.

      Thanks for the vibes and right back at ya. 🙂

  5. castorgirl says:

    I agree with the others… no photos, no visit. You put a great gesture out there in the form of saying that you would have contact if the photos were brought. Now, to most mothers, that would mean that heaven and Earth would move in order to find those photos!! I know I would… I’d be like “forget this moving biso, my daughter wants to see me and some photos… let’s do this!” To make the photos “something they’ll get around to”, means that your mother is still playing games. She’s looking for ways to manipulate, and hurt you.

    Do not let them in the house without those photos. If they do get around to finding the photos, meet them at a coffee place or somewhere neutral – I know I’ve had to scrub my house from top to bottom when someone triggering has visited. It also means that you can get up and walk away at any time.

    I hope you’re managing to get through the weekend alright… That she has resorted to this sort of action means that you still have control, and she is trying to break that control. You have control… don’t let her derail you. Remember that you have skills, support, and abilities, that you didn’t have in the past…

    Take care,

    • CimmarianInk says:

      hi CG,

      It was eerie (not in a bad way) to read that you have to clean your after a triggering person has been there. That’s so true!

      It’s really ridiculous to have to play games and strategize with my own mother. It simply reinforces the truth about the weirdness of our relationship. We’re going to tell them that we’re busy and I’ll have to see how this plays out. I have a feeling that I will never get those albums the way things are heading. On the other hand my reaction to this situation has been eye-opening in a not-so-good way.

      I believe the no photos, no visit deal is the way to go. However I’m now anticipating her next move which could be for her to ask for a phone call from me. That gets me nothing and only opens up an opportunity for fighting.

  6. NextInLine says:

    Just wanted to check in and see how the weekend went. Also wanted to say that because you engaged in SI does not equal disappointment. You do what you need to to cope. You contained it and that is good. I think your self-awareness helps you immensely and is something to hold on to. For your mother to continue to play these games simply shows that she is the mush weaker person. Hey, wait, I think that was a Freudian typo. You’re the stronger one. Hold your ground if at all possible and also, hard and difficult as it is, just try not to engage.nd like I know it all. Wow. I so sound like I’m all Yoda and a bag of chips. Not so much, just hoping to help a little 🙂

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Ha! Nice Freudian slip. 🙂

      Yoda and chips are welcome. Right now I’m waiting to hear her response to our email saying that the visit will not be possible. I feel very pathetic indeed to have to say that her response will affect my actions. Unfortunately now that SI has happened once, the little switch in my head has been flipped and is now only waiting for an excuse. It’s very much a step backwards for me as I haven’t done that in quite some time.

      We’ll see what happens. I imagine a reply will be forthcoming either tonight or tomorrow.

  7. NextInLine says:

    Whoops, meant to say I know this sounds like I know it all, but I don’t. I have one of those horrible keyboards that jumps around all the time. It might well be out to get me.Sorry about that.

  8. slewfoot2 says:

    Hey there,

    Been wanting to comment, but not sure what to say. I don’t look at it as taking a step backwards, you’re on pause. You’re learning so much about youself during this. Especially how strong you are. That’s what I see. You’re making smart decisions. Good for you. You’ll get through this, and have so much support here. Focus on the good.


    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi jo. I know how it is not knowing what to say but you did just fine. 🙂 Pause is a nice thought. I stuck to not seeing them. The response from them was two words: Ok thanks.

      I have no idea what that means. We’ll see if an angry email is forthcoming.

      Thanks jo.

    • meredith says:

      Good for you, too, jo!

  9. Alice says:

    It’s absolutely your choice as to if they can visit, I agree, no photos, no visit! Don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to, take care x

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