I don’t know what topic I should start with so I’ll just pull one out and go with that. I guess that means talking about Barbie. Why in the world would I want to do that, you ask? It has to do with a young alter and her persistence.
You may remember that for a while I was missing the communication with my Insides. There was nothing happening; no revelations, no flashes, no anything and I found it really frustrating. The no revelations thing hasn’t changed but I was surprised by a bout of communication that started maybe a week or more ago?
This will be sort of embarrassing as it will expose some of what I watched on t.v. as a kid. I was looking through Netflix and I saw that they had the cartoon Jem and the Holograms on (yes, yes laugh if you must or wrinkle your brow and say “Who the hell is that?”). It was a cartoon I watched when I was younger and I had one of the dolls that came from the show. I watched the first episode just for nostalgia’s sake but it started something I wasn’t expecting.
The alter who I’ve designated as the “The one who plays” decided to speak up. That’s all she does: play. She wanted a doll and the image in my head was very specific down to what the box would look like. She wanted a doll like Barbie even though it didn’t have to be a real Barbie. Strangely this alter is like me as a child because we were very poor and getting dolls was a big deal. She seems to be aware of money being an issue even though it isn’t anymore in my current life. I mean we’re not well off or anything remotely like that but we’re not as poor as I was growing up.
Back to what I was saying. She wanted a doll and she wanted one that came with a few different outfits to put on. Shoes, purses the whole thing and she especially wanted it to come with a brush for the doll’s hair.
I intended on ignoring this “request”. I didn’t take it seriously and I thought it was just an idea in my own head. But the idea was persistent and it wasn’t just an idea. I could hear her in my head like she was talking to me, not with a voice but by placing thoughts and images in my head but with her own style. It was very much like talking to a child. I actually found myself speaking out loud to her which is one thing in private and a wholly other thing when in public.
She seems to stuck in time and I say that because her taste have always been what mine were when I was a child. When I first started being aware of her way back, she wanted coloring books and crayons but the world had changed. She wanted Sesame Street but she but Elmo lacks the appeal that he’s garnered with other children in more recent history. It’s kind of the same with Barbie because some of the new Barbies out there don’t look the same as the ones from when I was a child. However, in the end that didn’t matter. She didn’t just want the doll, she needed the doll. And she made her needs known.
It was quite disconcerting to have that persistent presence in my head but I also welcomed it as some communication from my internal world that had been silent for so long.
Things became more disconcerting later however. I had to promise to let her play with the dolls which meant taking time to stop what I was doing and letting her have that time instead. It was fine because I keep all of her toys in my bathroom where no one can see them and where she can lay on the floor and do what she wants.
So I’m kind of watching her play and feeling slightly amused by the whole thing and a little weird when the playing changed abruptly. Maybe it wasn’t abruptly. Maybe I was just startled by the turn it took.
It’s hard to describe and it will make me sound like a creep but I don’t know how else to say it. I was watching and it was like my hand just started doing things to the doll naturally. I was horrified but it was also like it had to happen that way. Ugh! How can I explain this without sounding like a sicko?
In my head I’m kind of asking “Why am I doing this!?” and the answer wasn’t so much of a real response but more of a feeling. The answer was that this is the way we always play with dolls. I don’t know.
So, pretty much immediately after the disturbing play, I was “told” that I needed to get a second doll for her to play with. I had a bad feeling about what that could lead to but once again the persistence was there and very forceful. She was in my head constantly, asking for other doll until I couldn’t ignore it. So back to the store I went to pick up another doll. We didn’t need more clothes, just the doll.
Again, she made me promise to give her play time which I did after a few days because it feels like I would be disappointing her in an important way if she didn’t get to play after I promised. This sounds absolutely crazy doesn’t it?
Watching her play with two dolls was…disturbing. It wasn’t graphic, don’t get me wrong, but it was just…I don’t know, sexual. The thing that disturbed me the most was that I started dissociating as soon as the sexual stuff started. I panicked and struggled to stay present which worked but the whole exercise was not cool.
The next request I got was to get a boy doll and I didn’t bother ignoring it because she would just repeat it and push it forward in my head until I did it.
I haven’t given her time to play yet though but it’s mostly because it feels like she isn’t ready yet.
I told my therapist about what happened, knowing full well what conclusions she’d draw. I love it when you tell your therapist something and they ask, “What do you think it means?”
Actually I do appreciate it because she doesn’t just jump in with everything she’s thinking. I told her that I think I’m a big attention-seeking liar and that I made myself do those things to get attention. She disagreed saying that I hate attention and am the least attention-seeking person and that it didn’t play for her as the reason. She expressed her thought that it means something. I should look at these things as information etc.
I can’t believe myself long enough to look at anything I see or do as anything more than a play for attention. True, she’s the only person I talk about these things with (except for you lovely people) but it doesn’t change what I feel about myself.
There will be more posts coming because I have too much stuff in my head. You can ignore them if you like.